Whoa!

Sorry I have been missing in action for awhile, but I am still among the living. I am back to class now as the semester has already started up as of Monday. While my mood went up a bit over the weekend, going back to school has completely tanked my mood.

I am surrounded by eager, ambitious, perky young students whose use of the word "like" is beyond excessive. Each student has grand tales of their trips around the world over Xmas break. Professors repeatedly assert that now that we are done looking for our jobs and have secured lucrative summer associate positions, we should be ready to concentrate on our classes exclusively. Do I laugh hysterically in the aisles or assume the fetal position right there in that beautiful, exclusive, all oak high back chair engraved with the University's insignia? Decisions, decisions. I spend my day on campus looking for places to hide between classes. The tears come whether I want them to or not. Luckily, unless you're a powerful or wealthy person, they don't want to know you in the first place, so nobody pays much attention to me anyway.

Then I got an email from my mom regarding my pregnant now 20-year old youngest sister. This sister was in CA for a month visiting my parents (sister theoretically lives in North Dakota, but she spends the majority of her time looking for warmer places to holiday). Here's an excerpt:

[J] looked really good, pregnancy agrees with her. Of course she really wasn't showing yet, but she had such a healthy glow.

A glow? Are you fucking kidding me? She's just barely 3 months along and already glowing? Fuck! If I manage to get pregnant, something tells me that there will be no glowing. Horns may grow out of my head and steam may come out my ears, but I think glowing is out.

Now, I should mention that my mother doesn't know we are trying to conceive. I really didn't want to have the whole medication discussion with her, etc. Plus, I wanted it to be a surprise. I think I am going to have to leave surprises to the hyper-fertile women, though. So I finally gave her a heads up. I feel so pathetic that I am not happy for my sister. I really wish I could be, but I am simply not a good person. I'm mean, bitter, and raging.

My other two sisters are right in line with me regarding happiness for our youngest sister. One sister got married one year ago and is frustrated that they can't yet afford to have a baby. The other sister has been pregnant twice before and chose to abort both times. Each pregnancy was unplanned and one was as early as 15 years of age. So the three of us seem to understand what is required to have a baby. And then there's the youngest. Whatever she wants, it falls into her lap. Since our parents were fairly wealthy by the time the youngest came along (I was around during the poverty years only), she has never been denied a single thing. She has 4 horses, and they built a new house and bought property so that she could keep them in residence. When she left home, they kept them all for when she visits. Me? Well, I wasn't even allowed to have a cat. We lived under very different regimes. This never bothered me until now. As I struggle so intensely, I have less patience for these differences. Petty? You bet.

So why is it that when my bloggy friends have good things in their life occur, like pregnancy or adoption or getting a good job or taking a nice trip, I am filled with happiness for them, but if a family member has good luck, I am the most bitter person on Earth. Any ideas for why this double standard or dichotomy exists? Anyone?