Short, but not sweet

Does everything really happen for a reason? I try to tell myself that my trials and tribulations in life could be a gift. But some days that's a really hard sell. Looking back on my past I examine events that at the time seemed to be the end of my life, but in the end brought about great things for me. The most difficult time in my adult life, as I have mentioned before, is most certainly the realization that my first marriage was over and that I would soon be divorced. In April, I will likely post about the beginning of the end, but for now I will only describe the situation briefly. First husband, we'll call him Jackass for now, sat me down one day and revealed that he had been cheating on me with a 19 year old girl from school, and he was in love with her, not me. Not only was he cheating on me then, but it turns out he had been fucking other women on and off the entire 10 years we were together. The story gets worse from there, but I will save that for another day.

"Devastated" doesn't even begin to describe how I felt during that time period. I never thought I would survive that situation. But I did. And I am so glad I stuck it out, because I never would have met my current husband had I given up altogether. Plus, if I had not married Jackass, I wouldn't have come out to NY for grad school, and never would have met my dear current husband, who you have come to know simply as Husband. I am thankful for all that I learned in the first marriage and how it has truly made me a better partner in my second.

Now, I am trying to analogize that event to my current situation which is not having secured employment with a lala firm for the summer. To date, it is the most challenging and difficult moment of my academic experience (and believe me that's saying quite a bit given what grad school can do to you). When I am done here, I will have about $150,000 in student loan debt. That's a scary thought when you pair it up with unemployment. I have never felt so beaten down as I do at this time. So when I have the strength, I attempt to convince myself that this is how it is supposed to be for me. I fight brutally with my brain, arguing that there is something out there for me that will come, I just need to work hard and be patient. Most days, my evil brain wins the argument and I cry myself to sleep.

In the meantime, my level of stress has risen exponentially. What else comes with stress, besides the incessant chastisement in my head? Urinary tract infections. The women in my family seem to get them all of the time. Something about our anatomy makes us vulnerable to them. I speculate that perhaps we have shorter ureters than most women, but of course I don't really know that. Usually the pain sets in after a day of serious stress and way too much coffee. By the time I get home, I need to set up camp in the bathroom. With lots of meds, cranberry juice and pills, and a couple gallons of water, I self medicate until the pressure and burning subside. Unfortunately, that often just leads to a full blown kidney infection. Ever had one? They are loads of fun. And just to head off the assvice, yes, I wipe from front to back thank you very much. Oh, and yes, I pee right after sex. But, no, I have been unable to kick my coffee habit, which I know continues to aggravate my bladder. You would think that the guarantee of excruciating pain would keep me off the coffee, but no. Pain has never been a great deterrent for me. One indication that despite my over-education status, I really am just not that bright.