Wednesday, January 24, 2007


Sorry I have been missing in action for awhile, but I am still among the living. I am back to class now as the semester has already started up as of Monday. While my mood went up a bit over the weekend, going back to school has completely tanked my mood.

I am surrounded by eager, ambitious, perky young students whose use of the word "like" is beyond excessive. Each student has grand tales of their trips around the world over Xmas break. Professors repeatedly assert that now that we are done looking for our jobs and have secured lucrative summer associate positions, we should be ready to concentrate on our classes exclusively. Do I laugh hysterically in the aisles or assume the fetal position right there in that beautiful, exclusive, all oak high back chair engraved with the University's insignia? Decisions, decisions. I spend my day on campus looking for places to hide between classes. The tears come whether I want them to or not. Luckily, unless you're a powerful or wealthy person, they don't want to know you in the first place, so nobody pays much attention to me anyway.

Then I got an email from my mom regarding my pregnant now 20-year old youngest sister. This sister was in CA for a month visiting my parents (sister theoretically lives in North Dakota, but she spends the majority of her time looking for warmer places to holiday). Here's an excerpt:

[J] looked really good, pregnancy agrees with her. Of course she really wasn't showing yet, but she had such a healthy glow.

A glow? Are you fucking kidding me? She's just barely 3 months along and already glowing? Fuck! If I manage to get pregnant, something tells me that there will be no glowing. Horns may grow out of my head and steam may come out my ears, but I think glowing is out.

Now, I should mention that my mother doesn't know we are trying to conceive. I really didn't want to have the whole medication discussion with her, etc. Plus, I wanted it to be a surprise. I think I am going to have to leave surprises to the hyper-fertile women, though. So I finally gave her a heads up. I feel so pathetic that I am not happy for my sister. I really wish I could be, but I am simply not a good person. I'm mean, bitter, and raging.

My other two sisters are right in line with me regarding happiness for our youngest sister. One sister got married one year ago and is frustrated that they can't yet afford to have a baby. The other sister has been pregnant twice before and chose to abort both times. Each pregnancy was unplanned and one was as early as 15 years of age. So the three of us seem to understand what is required to have a baby. And then there's the youngest. Whatever she wants, it falls into her lap. Since our parents were fairly wealthy by the time the youngest came along (I was around during the poverty years only), she has never been denied a single thing. She has 4 horses, and they built a new house and bought property so that she could keep them in residence. When she left home, they kept them all for when she visits. Me? Well, I wasn't even allowed to have a cat. We lived under very different regimes. This never bothered me until now. As I struggle so intensely, I have less patience for these differences. Petty? You bet.

So why is it that when my bloggy friends have good things in their life occur, like pregnancy or adoption or getting a good job or taking a nice trip, I am filled with happiness for them, but if a family member has good luck, I am the most bitter person on Earth. Any ideas for why this double standard or dichotomy exists? Anyone?


Renee said...

That's simple... you wish your parents could have given you everything like they did for little sis and since they weren't able to you can't be happy for her. Sibling rivalry. Totally normal. But your blogging friends you can be happy for because there is no family tie.
I'd be pretty ticked with little sis too. And I understand my brother's not likeing me so much since I was a favored child and they weren't.
I hope that school gets better for you soon. Ignore the "like-a-holics" that annoys me too.

Emilija said...

Family is always different. When you see them having something that you didn't get, there is a sense of unfairness that there isn't with other people, who have their own families and circumstances. And there's that sibling rivalry. Parents never treat their children identically, even if they try to. We all want our fair share.

Aurelia said...

Oh Nicole,
First of all, yes of course we all resent the fertile myrtles who have no concept of their luck and good fortune. Perfectly normal I think in all circumstances.
I prefer to assume that in the end there must be divine justice. It has to all even out in the end, right?
Sooo, (taking care of googles here)I asked my DH, the lahyer about your summer job issue. He was funny because as he put it, he never had a summer job anywhere, and became a partner in a national la firm. To him, "It means she's smart, and they know she's overqualified to photocopy files and get coffee."
Reality is--most la students don't stay in firms they summer in, and early jobs have ZERO correlation with later job success.
But if you still want a job after my little speech, why not speak to your profs? Maybe they have advice or contacts?
Keep your chin up hon!

alley said...

I'll admitt it, I'm one of those fertile mertiles, and I suck.

I know how you feel about the younger sib thing. I grew up with an alcoholic father that was scary to be around when he was around and who spent years livin gout of state and incommunicado. Now he is remarried and doesn't drink and the step-sisters call him daddy and he buys them pretty clothes and a house and a car for them all to live in like some happy family.

Hear ya on the college kids too. I spent four years on a campus and came out of it with the conviction that academic superiority of over rated and the word like should be banned from the language.

On the other hand, The little sister can't help that the parents were so different with her, I am sure that she feels a little weird about it, but what is she supposed to do, tell mom and dad to quit being so nice?

I don't think you sound mean or bitter, just human.

thrice said...

I think that anyone who is going down a difficult road needs a support system. You don't have a support system, because you are a victim of a social stigma. Even if you opened up about your IF, that wouldn't guarantee that the other person would open up, share or be sensitive.

I found it frustrating when I was first diagnosed with PPD. I was looking for someone to commiserate with. No one would admit to having PPD. My husband was useless, so I turned to the internet. It was the only place were people understood and would nurture me. All I needed was “I know it must be hard.” “I’m sorry.” Blah. Blah. Blah.

Maybe that's what’s up with your sister. You might feel she's had enough attention. You are hurting, because of BP and IF. And where's your mother? She's off talking about your sister's glow to everyone and anyone.

If you want her attention, if you want her to nurture you, you need to tell her "Mom, I'm hurting and I need your help." She hasn't been able to "hear" you. If you need it in a certain way, tell her. Such as “I don’t need you to fix it, I need you to listen.”

I hope your spirits are up soon!

Not so little sister said...

There's less pressure here. We are all here by choice. We pick whose blog to read and it's a nice environment where we are all pretty much looking for the same things. My blogger buddies give me the warm and fuzzies!

Susan said...

Hi Nicole,
Thanks for checking out my blog...I'm grateful, because now I've found yours.
I completely relate. I love sharing in the good news of fellow bloggers, and even the women on the infertility message boards. I think it is because I see how these women cheer each other on, even when they might be at a particularly low point. Because I know their struggles... they have shared that with me. And because I know they understand me.
I'll keep reading.

Maggs said...

Interesting. I used to follow a little pregnant and so close before they got pregnant. then i had to stop because it made me obsess more about another baby.

didn't know you were TTC. we can obsess together. : )

would love to chat me.

Barbara said...

Maybe you resent your sister because you can more easily see yourself in her shoes.

My mother always favored my youngest sister too.

Dino aka Katy said...

i know I hate hearing how everyone is pregnant but me (ahm us). I totally get how you feel about your sister. My issues with my adopted sister are beyond a comment maybe I'll blog about it some day

theoneliner said...

anyone IRL who gets PG annoys me a little. Right or wrong i want them to suffer like me. That way at least they apprecaite the struggle and someone else who is struggling. Maybe you're the same n'est pas?

aah0424 said...

Well, I think with family there is always a level of competition that you probably won't find too much among strangers that are spending most of their time supporting one another.

Jenny F. Scientist said...

Well, speaking of sisters- I think one expects family, and especially sister, to be better than they are sometimes. It's somehow easier to accept when our friends make stupid or incomprehensible choices, because we feel less responsible for them. At least, that's how I feel about MY idiot pregnant sister.

I look forward to seeing you glow red with righteous indignation and the fires of Hell.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

I'm not sure I should admit that I got a rib quicvering outloud laugh out of your sorrows--not your sorrows so much as the funny was you expressed them--and I'm not sure if I should apologize or not.

One thing to do is act as if--at least with them. Act as if you're happy for them, and maybe at some point you will be. Push up the corners fo your mouth and maybe the smile will actually touch your heart. or not.

My husband is a paragon of kindness, patience and good will--and he is the person I most often get angry at. Go figure.


People are mysterious beings.

I wish you love and happiness. And your sisters too. Mary :-)

jane said...

From what I've read on blogs, it's perfectly normal to feel this way towards a pregnant woman, if you're having a difficult time conceiving. As for the "glow", that is how some people figure out a woman is pregnant.

I'm the youngest in our family & while my siblings considered me spoiled, what they didn't realize was there was a trade-off. Meaning, they got things as older children that I didn't as the younger. I'm not saying its the same in your family, just something to consider. :)

Sara said...

Well, I'm, like, so sure that, like, it's perfectly, like, normal to be like, cranky about these things....

A certain prof who works in a certain yellow organism happily announced that he and his wife were expecting #2 (who is only about 16 months younger than #1) at a picnic a week after my second miscarriage. I'm STILL cranky about it 3-some years later, if I think about it. It's not even their fault, and I rationally get that... but GEEZE life is unfair sometimes.

At least your other sisters are with you, so you don't have to feel like its you as the only crank against the happiness of the world. Really, the world should not be celebrating some things. Really.

Veronika said...

Don't get me started! I'm going to have to privately email you about this one!!!!

three minute palaver said...

"As I struggle so intensely, I have less patience for these differences. Petty? You bet.", never a more tru word has been written about sucky siters in our life. Amen, Nicole.

I also am freely happy for bloggy friends sucess but more reserved about what my sister achieves. For me it's because my sister is actively and vocally unsupportive, judgemental and negative towards me. She never misses a chance to kick me when I'm down. and IF issues make putting up with that dynamic intolerable.

I can really sympathise. and I wish it was your turn and not your sisters to be glowing & up the duff.