Wednesday, January 3, 2007

And then the silence

Back to the silence. The house is almost completely silent today. The two dogs are curled up with their Christmas presents. Cusco, the German Shepherd, received a stuffed moose that crinkles and squeaks. Fee, the Jack Russell Terrier, got a stuffed penguin that squeaks when under attack. They love their new friends beyond any hopes I had. I am in usual blog position, propped up by the overstuffed loveseat with my legs resting on the bench that serves as a coffee table. Plus, my coffee mug, a Santa mug today, is never far from reach.

And now, I don't know what to do. Lots of stuff I am supposed to be doing but not a lot of stuff I want to do right now. In fact, there isn't anything I want to be doing except sleeping. The list of stuff that I am supposed to do over the break is too long, and seems to grow longer everyday. Number 1 on the list is to look for a job for the summer. Bleh! Instead of being productive, I think I will just sit down and write a list of all of the stuff I am going to do...tomorrow. Yeah, that's the ticket. Tomorrow will be busy, I swear.

In the meantime, I am putting off seeing my therapist for another week. Usually, I find it difficult to get through a week without seeing her. Now, I just don't feel like talking about it all. I have said everything that's rattling around in my head and I am sick to death of listening to myself. I feel that my relationship with my therapist has gone a bit stale after almost 10 years on her couch. However, I do know that every thought I have towards my therapist is really just a reflection of myself. What I mean is that I am stale with myself. When I get frustrated with her, I am really frustrated with me. Sound like psychological bullshit? Well, perhaps it is but that doesn't make it any less true.

So I am feeling very listy today, and think I will satisfy my urges with a list. This one's a bit odd, I know. It's a list of my themes, stuff that seems to be highlighted as I go through life. In my story, a theme can be almost anything, even people. Here's my list so far...
  1. Rain: almost all of the most memorable moments of my life consist of rain in one way or the other, I just feel so nested when it rains.
  2. November: other than the fact that this is my birth month, all kinds of stuff happens to me in November every year, plus I have a strangely high number of friends who were also born in November
  3. Elephants: can't really describe this one, they just keep coming up
  4. Fire: I gravitate towards it, not in the arson style, but just when it happens to be around, I need to be near it.
  5. China: nope, not the delicate tableware, but the country. everything I love seems to have some relationship to China. I've never been there but would love to go, preferably with someone who is from China.
There are more, but they elude my mind right now, so maybe I will add more later. For now, I will go back to doing absolutely nothing. OK, I will at least be blogging, because it's not on the list.


Ol' Lady said...

Hey, you gots what I had last night...sit on ass syndrome :)
It's actually a life long sickness, so I am learnin to live with it.
Nov is when my birthday is tooo :) 'cept I can't remember the year ;p

theoneliner said...

don't be so hard on yourself...we're all tired after the holidays. i mean, i'm even tired and i didn't travel and really did nothing for about four days.

Aurelia said...

Sooo, are you still exercising for comments? Cause I'll leave a few if you like?
Interesting thing about the therapist, I never thought of it that way. I changed a few therapists along the way until I got a good one, so far I'm keeping her, but after 10 years, maybe it does go stale. Maybe you just need the therapeutic equivalent of a second honeymoon?

Dino aka Katy said...

progretinating is such an art. I have yet to master it.

Not so little sister said...

I'm a November baby too! Good times.

Sara said...

Item to do: Check your email and then email me to set up a time to come on over. Its still the holidays until I take the tree down! You can even wear your jammies if you want to. And don't feel like you have to bring anything... just warn us so I can have some yummy veg-friendly snacks around.

Barbara said...

Rest if you have to rest, unless you are exercising for comments. Are you still participating?

thrice said...

I'm with Aurelia. Tens years is a long time to spend with one therapist. It may be refreshing to hear things from a fresh perspective. Or even how a therapist's life experiences translate in how she relates to or even "hears" you.

IMHO, postponing a session because you don't feel like talking to her is definitely a flag. Just sayin'.

BiPolarGirl said...

You have your work cut out for you today, don't you. My mother is a November baby as well as my little sister.

As far as the therapist is concerned I appreciate the mere fact you have been going to the same therapist for 10 years. I have not been to my therepist in well over a month. I should go. I tell myself everyday to make the appointment but I don't.

The thing I hate about the therapist is that I feel like they have nothing to add. No answers. I have probably used this example a million times but its much like realizing your an alcoholic - now you understand why you drink so much but understanding doesn't stop you from wanting to go into the bar.

Great now I know I am BP and I understand what it means and all that it entails but nothing stops the roller coaster ride. I go looking for answers and I get nods.

I feel like I get more from blogging than I do from therapy. Blogging helps sort out my feelings. Lets me express things I can't even in the closest of company. And the biggest thing of all is that it makes me do something on a regular basis. I feel like I have a commitment. Otherwise I would probably have bed sores-yikes!

Keep up the good work and thank you for all of your comments. You don't know how much it helps.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

Rain. I met my husband in the rain--pouring rain! His opening line was, "Nice weather, huh?"

It was all uphill from there, LOL!

PS, when doing unmentionables in the parkinglot, it is even worse to do them with your KIDS!