Friday, January 19, 2007

Feeling hugged

In my entire life, I have never felt so loved and supported by so many incredible people as I do now. The fact that I can feel loved is a big step for me today. It gives me the light I need to see that there is a way out, even if I don't know the path yet. I am so grateful for each and every person who commented and encouraged and hugged me yesterday. The feeling of comfort is profound. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!

Husband came home promptly yesterday and saw me through the minutes until I could take a super (but safe) dose of Seroquel. Once asleep, I could find some rest and peace to give me the relief I so desperately needed. Husband had to pick up some friends from the airport very late last night, after I was sound asleep. When he got home, he whispered that one of the friends (a gentle man from Brazil who is my scientific brother because we were grad students together under the same advisor) insisted on seeing me before he returned home. Sneaky guy, my husband. He knows I will rally to see this friend.

This morning, Husband called and told me to get dressed and shower because he was coming to get me and bring me to see my Brazilian brother. I wasn't given a choice, it was a strict instruction. I had no intention of doing anything at all today. I was going to resume the fetal position and watch the movie A Bug's Life. Apparently, that's not in the schedule Husband has prepared for me.

As a reassurance to all of my beloved friends out there, here is what I promise you when I'm in the danger zone...
  • Husband knows my password for email and this blog, so in the event that something bad happens and I can't post, comment, or email, he will post something to update you all on my, uh, condition.
  • I will go back and read all of the comments from yesterday's post to remind myself of who is giving me virtual hugs.
  • I will always call Husband and Therapist and Psychiatrist to fill them in on my status. Always.
  • I will not kill my husband just for looking at me. :p
And, now, to the following people, please except mad hugs from me. I owe you all my life and then some...
Thank you! I love you and am so thankful for you all. I will survive to post again, I promise.

19 comments:

Aurelia said...

Oh thank god. I was having a nightmare that something awful had happened...I'm so glad you are okay. I know you don't owe us any explanations, because really who are we anyway? But still...

NOW, bossy hat on, I went back and read your archives again. Something strange popped out at me. You seem very calm and even at first when you were on effexor. You switched to zoloft and a week or two later, things seemed to slide a bit.
The sole reason for switching meds seemed to be breastfeeding, but if you aren't even pregnant yet, well then?
I'm not a doctor, but is it worth taking another look at the med combo? Lot of kinds are safe in pregnancy, I'm sure.
Just so we don't all have blog attacks again, okay? XX

Renee said...

I'm so glad you're doing better.

Hey, I'm a La Leche League Leader with a copy of Medications and Mother's Milk...this is a resource book with medications and what is safe/not safe for Pregnant & Nursing Mothers. It even lists alternatives.

If you don't have access to a copy of this book, please feel free to email me reneehelllp(at)yahoo(dot)com to look up a med for you. I would be happy to help out.

I just looked up Effexor and it's listed as a C Pregnancy risk and L3 for breastfeeding. The alternatives suggested Zolof & Paxil are both B for Pregnancy & L2 for breastfeeding. I can send you more info if you're interested.

You can also look up some of his info here http://neonatal.ttuhsc.edu/lact/index.html

more hugs!

Veronika said...

((((((((Nicole))))))
Hugs to you, girl
:)

Depressionista said...

So glad you are feeling better!

I agree with the others, maybe there's something you can take that would be safe in pregnancy? I took Lexapro (and Prevacid, for that matter) all during my pregnancy with my son and as far as I can tell, he doesn't seem any more screwed up than anyone else's kid!

Good job reaching out yesterday and getting the help you needed. I hope things get easier for you soon.

Dino aka Katy said...

wow this is one of your posts with a nice positive note. I am glad to see you are doing much better. keep it up

Not so little sister said...

SO glad you're doing better! Glad, glad, glad. Hugs to you! And praise to Husband for taking good care of you!

Sara said...

Thanks for the update, Nicole. I'm glad to hear your husband is pulling the right strings and giving you the marching orders. It's funny how much easier it is to motivate when you are doing it for a dear friend like Brazilian Brother. And mad hugs right back at you!!

Meri-ann said...

Massive squooshy hug back at you- I've just got up and turned my puter on to check on you and see that you are ok...

I am on Zoloft and have been for quite a while, but to be honest sometimes I'm not too sure how effective it is (for me)- it may be worthwhile seeing what else could work for you.

Here when you need us babe x

Meri-ann said...

oops that was me, for some reason stupid old blogger won't let me leave my wordpress addy....

jane said...

Hi Nicole, I'm sorry I didn't come by yesterday, but am glad so many people surrounded you with hugs & love.
Depression is such a cruel beast. You're doing the right thing: reaching out. It's a wonderful thing knowing we're not alone, even though we feel like we are.
You're in my thoughts & prayers.

Ol' Lady said...

It is nice to hear that you have seen some light in your darkness...keep looking at it and talking to your 'in the computer friends' and your wonderful hubby. Like I said before I can't fix you but I can hold your hand and help keep you together. Besides I'm 'retired' and gots fuck all to do...so please keep talking to me, I need you ;)

three minute palaver said...

I am not so much of a touchy feely person but here's the (((HUGEST HUG))) from me. I cried thinking you could have hurt yourself. That you have posted again so soon has made me much more hopeful for you. I'm again agreeing with Aurelia about questioning whether your meds combo is causing your distress lately? I know I used to take Zoloft and it really didn't agree with or help me feel better. I am so happy your husband is such a good man and knows how to care for you. I'll be thinking of you and hoping things improve each day.
xClare

Barbara said...

Nicole - I'm so glad there was a happy ending for you. Keep your phone handy, that's one grea husband you have there.

Barbara said...

...great husband

Sara said...

I am very glad you're on an upswing today - we were very worried about you.

theoneliner said...

goodness...i've been so busy with work that i hadn't read your blog in a week or so. I'm so sorry you went thru that!
i don't know how low you got...but not too long ago i got to the point where i wanted to not exist. i wouldn't have done anything...but still. So i have some idea of awful that might have been....and i am so happy to hear that you might be on your way back. ; )

Reese said...

Well I'm here for you and it's so nice to meet you. :) I too have battled depression throughout my whole life, I have a lot to share. I have two healthy, happy WONDERFUL children :). I can't wait to hear your journey!

The Town Criers said...

Nicole--I was so worried. I just sat down to read blogs and read about the last few days. It sounds like you're doing better, but know that I'm thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

((((((((HUG)))))))))))
((((((((Nicole))))))))
((((((((HUG)))))))))))
((((((((Nicole))))))))
((((((((HUG)))))))))))
((((((((Nicole))))))))
((((((((HUG)))))))))))
((((((((Nicole))))))))
((((((((HUG)))))))))))
((((((((Nicole))))))))
MAD HUGS for you, and zillions of them!!!!! I wish I could deliver them in person along with a wafer pie for very selfish reasons. (I need a hug too!)

Glad you had a Brazilian Science Brother to get you going and a husband to help along the way. YAY Science. Yay brothers. XOXOX

>:-D< Mary