Thursday, January 18, 2007

Not the post I wanted to write

I have another post that I was drafting this morning, but I am not happy with it yet. Instead, I am writing this post, that I really really don't want to write.

I am a puddle that wants to evaporate away, sublimation would be fine too. I know that I have been depressed for a few days now, but was hoping to go on an up swing soon. I think this roller coaster is defective. Seems that I am stuck in the down position. Not enough momentum to come back up.

Some time ago, I set up the list of links ("When it really isn't funny anymore") to the right of this post in case any of my few readers needed help. I did this just after Veronika lost her son. Turns out, that I am probably the first to need it and use it. Perhaps I subconsciously set it up as a safety net for myself.

Nothing is working though. All motivation is lost. I am worthless. I called my therapist and my husband. They are all on red alert at this point. I am still on the fence as to whether this is akin to the red terror alert set up by our omnipotent government, or if the alert is closer to a code at a hospital. Either way, duck and cover. Husband is on his way home, even though I really don't want him to see me in my puddle form.

I keep thinking of my quest to have a child and how I am not exactly a suitable parent. Shouldn't a parent have something to offer their child other than mental illness?

How do I get through the next minute, the next hour, the next day? I just cannot see the other side right now.


Not so little sister said...

Oh, Nicole! I'm sorry you're so down right now. At least you know to call you husband and your therapist. Will you feel better if you get out of the house? Maybe Husband can take you to the movies or something? Bowling? Bowling always cheers me up. A cup of coffee? That works too...I know it's probably not as superficial as those things, but hopefully you'll feel better soon!

Depressionista said...

I am new to your blog, and haven't read all your posts yet, but I read this one and wanted to offer you whatever encouragement I could! I do not have bipolar disease but I do struggle very much with depression (as you probably know from visiting my blog--thanks!--and my screenname).

I'm so glad you alerted your therapist and husband. That alone proves that somewhere in there, even if you can't reach it consciously, is the Nicole that wants to keep going and succeed!

I understand what it's like to be in those places where you have to put people on red alert, the times when you feel like you can't see your way out, and the times when you feel you aren't worthy enough to be a parent. People will say things like "it's the depression talking" but somehow, when I am in the scary place, I don't believe that.

So my words of encouragement to you are to just try not to think of the big important things in your life right now. Try not to plan for your future when you are in this space, or assess yourself as a human being. Just focus on surviving the day. I know that's difficult because that's what depression does--it drags us down with it into a spiral of self-hatred.

You know, you said you were "not exactly a suitable parent" and I wanted to point out that everyone has faults that make them less than perfect parents. I think the most important thing that makes people "suitable" to be parents is the fact that they love their children. Look at the sacrifices you are making to do that! That is surely a sign of suitability!

Please hang in there and do whatever you need to do to keep going.

Aurelia said...

This is me jumping in the hole!!!
I'm holding your hand, I'm sending you good thoughts and baby dust and serotonin.
And why would you assume that the only thing you could offer a child is depression? You have lots to offer, REALLY. If you are only defined by your depression, then how did you get into law school? How did you get through all those science classes? You are funny and cool on this blog, so you must be in real life!!
You know what it's like to live without someone. (Yes, I saw what you wrote on thrice's blog, different circumstances, but still.) Don't do this to your husband, and to all the people who love you.
In fact, maybe it would help to write about that on your own blog. It's help me so much to write my stuff out. Maybe not today, but soonish?
On the strategizing side, is there another short term medication you can take that can help your brain chemicals right away? You can't conceive for this month due to the BV meds...hey wait, could the antibiotics for that be interfering with your ADs? Maybe you need to switch antibiotics? Some meds interact, right? And also, did your Psychiatrist ever call Motherisk? They do international consults...or you could just call and pretend to be from Ontario, but on vacation?
I know with your science background you probably already know a lot about meds in pregnancy, but they really might be useful.
Slowly helping you out of the hole...follow me...please!!

Erin said...

I don't know the right thing to say, Nicole. But I can offer a virtual hug and let you know that I care.

As for being a suitable parent, the fact that you are thinking and worrying about it already means that you are acting like a good parent.

Emilija said...

Nicole, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Maybe your antibiotic is making you feel worse. If so, it will pass. I don't know what, if any meds you are taking at this time. Maybe you need a second opinion on what your opions are to be taking while trying to get pregnant. Also, there are alternative remedies that you might want to consider. I do light therapy every day September to April, and it has been shown to help with regular depression as well as SAD. Light boxes are easy to purchase on the Internet. I take fish oil, l-tyrosine, and 5-HTP in addition to my meds, and they really help. I started them when my meds started "pooping out," and they made my meds start working again, even better. But most of all, stay safe. You didn't always feel this way. You won't always feel this way. You just have to find a way through these dark times.

Sara said...

It must be very little comfort indeed, at a time like this, but I hope you know how many blogging friends you have... and we are all rooting for you. I very strongly feel that this misery is not you; it might have you trapped right now, but it is not what defines you. To write about such pain with such wit! That shows your fighting spirit... with a little help, you will push through this iron cloud and return to being that that smart, funny Nicole we've all grown to love. I'm glad your husband is coming home to rattle around the house with you. He's got a lot of extra hugs to give you, one from each of us here.

Jenny F. Scientist (aka JF) said...

Nicole, I'm so sorry you're feeling wretched. I don't write about it much, but I've been immobilized by depression, so I know how you feel. I know it never helps when you're stuck in it, but the depression is not all of you, and it is not you how you normally are; it is you under the huge lump of rock that is depression.

What do you have to offer a child? Humor, intelligence, wit, love, kindness, understanding. People pass on abuse and indifference to their children every day. You have so many wonderful things to offer as a parent!

Hugs and more hugs.

Jenny F. Scientist said...

(I meant, pass on abuse and indifference INSTEAD of all the wonderful, amazing things you and your husband have to offer your future offspring.)

BiPolarGirl said...


I hope you are able to shake your funk. I understand how horrible it is waiting for an upswing.

Please do not question your ability to be a mother. You might be bipolar but bipolar is not WHO you are. You are a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend too many and so much more. You bring more to the table than a disorder. It is not the sum of your existance by a long shot. So don't you dare let yourself believe you are undeserving or incapable.

My mother had me when she was 27 years old. She of course wanted more children and tried and tried to concieve for nearly 12 years without luck. When I was 8 she miscarried and had to have a blood transfusion as a result. By the time I was 12 both she and my father had given up and decided to adopt. Months after my new older sister came to live with us (my mother now turning 40) found out she was pregnant.

I heard a quote once, I wish I could place it. The person said sometimes we ask for an apple and we question why God refuses to give us just one piece of fruit. Little do we know he always intended to give us an orchard.

So whatever you do Nicole, Don't give up.

three minute palaver said...

Oh God, Nicole. I didn't realise things had gooten so hard for you lately. I have been so wrapped up in my own anxieties, that I hadn't been checking on other bloggers so frequently. I also know this hole you're in. I've been ther more times than I care to share. It's horrible feeling the way you do. I agree with depressionista to focus on making small, baby steps instead of big things right now. and I agree with Aurelia (who is so smart and wise) that you, my dear Nicole, are funny and cool and will make an awesome Mum one day. I think if you could write about all the shit here it might really help. If you're worried about real-life intrusions, go back in your archives and remove all the names and places that identify your RL identity. I have lost a lot of friends to suicide and I have been that depressed that it felt an option for me. Suicide really hurts the RL people you leave behind. It gives them a wound that never heals. I still think about the people I loved that suicided all the time. and I'm left with lots of questions about them but no answers. Like Aurelia said, don't do this to your husband, and to all the people who love you. To live without someone you love is hard. I am glad you told your husband to be on red alert. Let him help you. and please find a way to keep putting one foot in front of the other. We are all hear for you.

Jackie said...

Nicole, I can't begin to imagine. I hate that our brains and neurotransmitters f*ck with us and pull us into a wretched place, where we can explain how we got there and have little idea of how to get out. It's unbearable. I realize we've only just met, but if there is anything I can do...

thrice said...

Oh it sucks. Think about one thing at time. Right now you need to get the depression under control. That is the ONLY thing you need to do. YOU have done it before and YOU will do it again.

I had anxiety my whole life over when and if I would be a mother. I wasted so much time and energy, by not living in the present and worrying about the future. I know you can't touch it and you can't grasp it, but it is close. Most of the time, motherhood happens later than we expect. It will come. You just need to take care of yourself first and everything else will fall into place. One of the things that I have had to learn the hard way, is that if I'm not physically and emotionally functional, I can't take care of my sons. Don't put three in front of one. The order is one, two, three.....for a reason.

You don't have to be med-free during pregnancy. It's better for non-polar people to be med-free. It's not better for bi-polars to be med-free during pregnancy.

Cibele said...

Oh Nicole, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Trust me I understand how it feels to be stuck on the down position. As for what kind of mother you will be. I am very sure you will have lots of great things to offer to your baby. I know it is easy to feel worthless but don’t let yourself go there. We seem to have lots in common hum? Including the ache of waiting for motherhood, love for Science, Brazil and funny sucks (apparent by the pic on your profile). I hope you feel better soon!


Sara said...

Oh honey - KNOW that you can call, or you can tell Husband to call on us if you guys need anything.

From the depths of it you can't see out, I know that. You can't even see that there IS an out, and I know that you stop beleiving there's anything other than the hole you're in.

If only the genetically and psychologically perfect were allowed to have kids, the species would have died out LONG ago. Really.

Renee said...

(((Nicole))) listen to your true heart.

Meri-ann said...

I agree with all these other gorgeous peeps- you'd be a great mother; and I'm so sorry I don't have a magic word of wisdom to pull you out of this hole. Just know that we are all here for you x

Aurelia said...

Hey Nicole, or fab husband!

Are you there? Please let us know! Email one of us, or post something.
And husband, if you don't have the password or can't figure out how to post and Nicole isn't feeling well, call or email one of us, we'll help figure it out!
Just let us knw you're okay! We're on tenterhooks...

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

I hope you are feeling better now, and if not now, soon. I know when you are depressed, it feels as if the sun will never shine again, but it will. Hold onto that thread, that gossamer threat of light--it's stronger than it seems, and let it reel you back into joy. I am sending some love and joy and comfort your way. I hope a good long hug will help. Mary

SMILE even if you have to force yourself into a grimace of a smile---that will help too, and sing if you can. XOX

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...


Ol' Lady said...

Hey Nicole...just like everyone else has been will get better, blah, blah, blah...
All I can really say is, been there done that...too many times. I'm here to hold your hand if you want...I can't fix you but maybe I can help to hold you together through this low in your life.

Aurelia said...

Just sending you a story. I don't have your email address, so here it is.

This guy’s walking down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can’t get out. A doctor passes by, and he shouts up, “Hey you, can you help me out?” The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole, and moves on.

Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up, “Father, I’m down in a hole, can you help me out?” The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole, and moves on.

Then a friend walks by, “Hey Joe it’s me, can you help me out?” And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, “Are you stupid? Now we’re both down here.” The friend says, “Yeah, but I’ve been down here before, and I know the way out.”

– Leo to Josh on The West Wing about sharing his problems at AA.

Not so little sister said...

Hey-I hope you know we're worried about you. Let us know how you are. We're all sending oodles of hugs and whatever else you need right now.