Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Busy or Inefficient?

So, now that I have a job that I actually like, I am less inclined to while away the hours at work updating my blog. I can't really say that I am all that busy, although I certainly feel busy. But, I think it's more likely that I am not all that efficient with my time these days. My hope is to be back visiting all of your blogs soon. Since I haven't visited you all in so long, I feel so alone.

For the last couple of weeks I have been in a hypomanic state and such a mental status makes me mighty lofty. I don't sit down long enough to read anything longer than a sentence or two. But, this week feels quite a bit different. I am on my way back down. I miss my friends in the computer and am no longer enjoying the same work-related high.

Last week, I did some research for an attorney concerning the theory of learned helplessness. I was astonished at what I found, even though, the research falls in line with my intuition. Many of the relevant studies indicate that once a person or animal experiences repeated environmental stressors that are beyond their control, that person or animal will inevitably give up on everything. The subject learns through past experience that nothing they do can prevent bad things from happening. Then, that subject simply stops trying to change their circumstances. So a rat that is subjected to repeated shocks that they cannot avoid (compared to a rat who can stop the shocks by pressing a bar), eventually lies down in its cage refusing to eat, drink, or move.

I really don't want to be that rat, but sometimes I think it happens anyway.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Digging Out

Once again I want to thank everyone for their kind words and thoughtful concern. Day by day, I am digging out of my hole. Thankfully, my work at legal services is very interesting and motivating. I spend more of my day focused on other people's worries and less of my day focused on my own worries, which is a very good thing. I really do love my work there. It feels really good to help others through the legal system and avoid homelessness.

My therapist and I had a good long discussion about being stuck in the hole. If I am going to get out of the hole, I have to want out. There is a point at which I choose to wallow and it is at that point that I am not suffering grief but instead self pity. I found that I had made that choice when every post I read on all of your blogs made me sad. If it was a positive post, then I was jealous; if it was a negative post then I was sad for both of us. So, now I choose to dig out of the hole so that I can celebrate with you when you are happy, and hold your hand when you're not.

Monday, June 4, 2007

Not so fast.

I really hate to break my promises. But, if I don't break the promise I made to you all regarding posting "good times to come", well, then I don't think I would be posting for awhile. I know it was silly to hope that I would be pregnant the first full cycle after a D&C, but I hoped anyway. And, I hoped beyond hope that I would be able to post about the elusive pink line. Suffice it to say that today I am back to square one, or as we like to say, cycle day 1 (CD 1).

Somehow, Husband always manages a high level of optimism. Lately, his favorite chant is "We did it once, we can do it again", or "there's always next cycle". I feel so bad when all I can do is glare at him as he says these things. It sucks to be married to me.

Meanwhile the universe makes sure that every pregnant woman in town crosses my path. The new job that I was so looking forward to this summer was effectively ruined by the presence of the same pregnant l@w student that I couldn't stand to get even a glimpse of at school. Approximately every 5 minutes she passes conspicuously rubbing her over 8 month belly. And no matter how hard I try to look away, my eyes seem drawn to her belly in the same way that I can't help but stare at a gruesome car accident. So instead of coming home feeling like I am helping others avoid homelessness, I arrive weepy and defeated, feeling like I will never ever get the one thing that I want more than anything else in the entire world, a baby.