Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Uncomfortably Numb

The bottom dropped out this morning. Since the physical pain is gone, I don't need to continue taking the Per.c0cets. So now there is plenty of room to feel the emotional pain. Until today, I couldn't really cry. And, I find it ironic that I am curled up in fetal position on the couch unable to be productive in any way at all.

Thank you all, by the way, for all of your comments and support. Reading them over and over again hasn't gotten me through things so far. Without all of you, I certainly wouldn't have managed so long.

But now I am hurdling toward hell. Husband has opted to stay home with me today. My lighthouse in the storm. And this has been no fun for him either, he is truly mourning and working through his grief. I, on the other hand, am not. Even though, I know it's not good, I am fighting the grief in the same stubborn way I fought the anesthesia the day of the D&C. I simply can't find words for my grief, and so I feel so numb and in silent pain all at the same time. I don't even know how to feel so much pain.

And, you would think that by now, I would have learned how to efficiently deal with pain. It's certainly not new to my world. Perhaps I am just tired of loss. Pretty pathetic given that this is my first miscarriage. It's the accumulated loss over a lifetime that is crushing me.

45 comments:

Dream Writer said...

"Perhaps I am just tired of loss. Pretty pathetic given that this is my first miscarriage."

Do you think that now that you found out the "cause" of the miscarriage and you are taking your antibiotics to clear up the infection - you will find the strength to maybe try again in the future?

I mean, there are a lot of women who cannot hold the fetus in their womb...some cannot conceive, but for you my friend - You can hold the baby, you can conceive and this unfortunate miscarriage was due to an infection you were unaware of.

Right now you are grieving and it will take some time...but there is light at the end of the tunnel :)

Becks said...

My heart goes out to you. Hope you heal soon. Becks

Nadine said...

We are here for you as always. With hugs and support and understanding.

Sara said...

Read this someplace yesterday:

"It's not the length of the gestation, it's the strength of the attachment."

Not just talking about attachment to the baby, specifically, but to everything that comes with it, all the hopes, the dreams, the plans, the physical investment in the growing baby.

There's nothing pathetic about grief, and nothing efficient about pain.
((hugs))
The world expects women to get over miscarriage and get on with life, and fast. Don't add to that pressure by pressuring *yourself* to conform to the world's expectations.

ellie said...

Having been there in the last two weeks- I feel for you. Numb is good, the grief gets quieter but I can't imagine it really goes away- least not yet for me. Take care of yourself, my heart is with you.

Amanda said...

((((((((((nicole))))))))

Patience said...

Don't you wish that there was a grief manual that clearly outlined what we should feel and when? I often think of that manual- and wonder if it would comfort me to know that what I was doing at any particular time was normal....

Hugs for you my friend x

Amateur Dancer said...

oh, nicole,

i was thinking of you today. i was just outside...thinking that i totally am praying for you.

i can not even imagine your grief.

yet, i do know grief.

i also know that when i grieve, i curl into that same fetal position that you described.

please be careful during this time.

especially since you feel numb...we both know that is an especially vulnerable pain.

i care very much about you.

(((((love and hugs))))))
dancer

Aurelia said...

You can't find the words, except you've written some.

Everyone grieves differently. Your way and husbands way may not be the same.

Maybe you are doing exactly what you need to do right this second. "Not productive?" "pathetic?" Please be gentle with yourself. If you are awake and eating and breathing, nevermind typing, maybe that's enough for today?

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending you a hug.

The Road Less Travelled said...

I'm so sorry. Those seem like such feeble words when I know how gut wrenchingly sad having a miscarriage is. My thoughts are with you. All I can say is take time to be sad, and angry and even hide out if you want to. Most people want you to get over it and forget quickly, but don't feel rushed to heal. ((hugs))

Jenny F. Scientist said...

Oh, Nicole, this is no time to be productive (unless you want to). I'm so sorry for how much you're hurting.

I don't think pathetic enters into it. It's a real loss, not just of little Pooter but of the hope you had.

All my love and thougts are with you.

My Reality said...

I hope that you find some peace and comfort in the next few days.

Bumble said...

Nicole, your pain is not pathetic. This little one was with you for 9 weeks and you and your hubby already loved it so much, and had great dreams for your little family already. It will take time, I still cry over my loss over a year ago, and I was only 5 weeks along. Its such a devastating thing to go through but you will make it. And you'll try again. But you'll never forget your first little Pooter. Hugs to you my friend, and I appreciate you still commenting on my blog, but I don't expect it at all, take all the time you need to find your voice again. Thinking of you x

Cibele said...

I am so sorry Nicole. I member how hard it was when I had my m/c... feeling empty and numb! but I also know that you will eventually feel better and that betters things are on your way . Just want to send you lots of support, hugs, and love!

Casey said...

Not pathetic at all. Please don't punish yourself for your grief. It's okay to be angry or sad. It's even okay to despair for a little while. Just be gentle with yourself.

Baby Blues said...

I'm sorry for your loss Nicole. My heart goes out to you. Just know that we are here. Hugs.

Susan said...

The losses of infertility are tremendous, no matter what form they take.
If you can't feel the grief right now, if you must fight against it, then that is exactly what you are supposed to be doing now. Everyone works through it in their own way, and this is just your way. Don't add to your distress by worrying about your reaction. Whatever you are feeling (or not feeling) is OK. I know it is so hard to know that now.
You are in my heart and mind.

Dino aka Katy said...

everyone deals with loss differently - there is no right or wrong. My way out is what I call work therapy. I just plunge myself into work and try to forget. We are here if you need us

Renee said...

I think that everyone has said what I want to say...but I'll say it anyway.

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Deal with this any way that you need to, but please take care of yourself.

Please also let your hubby know that we are praying for him as well. This is such a terrible loss for both of you.

Remember that we are all different and deal with things differently. Don't worry about what anyone thinks about how you do this. You be you.

We love you. Take care.

shazz said...

Hope you don't mind me droping by but I wanted to say how sorry I was to read about your loss. xx

Adrienne said...

Pathetic is not a word I would choose. Normal, and understandable fit the bill much better.

Take care of yourself. And let Husband take care of you, too.

Mands said...

Please be kind to yourself, and if you need to be sad and cry out, go right ahead. It's the first step to feeling better. Thinking of you and hoping you pull through this truly upsetting time.

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

SO sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time, but glad that your husband is there to support you.... Hang in there!

Not so little sister said...

What everyone else has said. This is total shit for you. I hope you see the light soon. ((((Nicole))))

serenity said...

Loss is loss. It's NOT pathetic, hon.

I am so sorry that you have to feel this pain.

Wishing you love and peace right now.

Venusuvian Debs said...

Hoping you see a glimmer of light on the other side soon.

Jackie said...

Nicole, I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you must endure to grieve this loss. It will surely take time, an amount that no soul can predict. Hugs to both you and your husband--it's so tough when both parts of the team are down at once.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

Grief is a hard taskmaster! I'm so sorry! It hurts and nothing I or we can say will make the hurting stop, but time will help and as dreamwriter says, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

(((((((hugs for Nicole)))))))))

anonymous mom said...

it's natural and right to grieve such a loss as you and your husband have had, nicole. it's not pathetic in the least.
(((((nicole))))

BerryBird said...

Oh, Nicole. Please don't be so hard on yourself! You pain is real and natural, and the numbness is, too. Do not deny yourself the right to this grief.

Emilija said...

Nicole, I think you just have to let yourself feel your grief. That is the fastest way through it. Just be patient with yourself, and take care of yourself. I wish there was something I could do to help you through this time.

Cate said...

my husband dealt the same way with his grief as your is. I wallowed in it for months and couldn't seem to shake it. I hope that your dh was more understanding than mine in my constant renewal of feelings of sadness and blame. Because no matter what the reason for your miscarriage, there is always blame. And that was the hardest part for me to deal with. I couldn't stop going over and over in my mind what I could've or should've done to make the baby stay with me. It is totally normal to do this. Don't put a time limit on your healing. Because if you mom had just died, no one would be expecting you to be over it in a day. And this baby was a family member even in his/her brief existence and deserves a remembrance.

Venusuvian Debs said...

I've been lurking on your blog for a while now, you are welcome back to mine anytime!

Sara said...

(((hugs))) and wishes for the light at the end of the tunnel.

three minute palaver said...

I remember my first miscarriage was devestating and stopped me dead in my tracks for awhile. I was more stoic with my 2nd (becuase I was full of DBT's and half expecting something to go wrong)and quite shit again with my 3rd (b/c at the time, everything was quite shit (with my 1st marriage/assh*le 1st husband), that IF & loss was quite impossible to bear. and then we stopped ttc. Oh & he gave me HPV which lead to my cervical issues, so I can relate to you on that (assh*le ex & std) level too). My 1st miscarriage had much of the same confused depth of despair reaction as the loss of my stillborn son (except the loss of my son holds way more guilt and regret and terrible memories for me) . Context was the key with my grief, not order of pregnancy or gestational length. So, I totally understand you feeling unproductive and depressed.. etal. That's normal. What happened to you sucks bigtime. It's hard. It hurts. and you don't get over it, you just get use to it. and then when you're ready, you TTC all over again. and that is the sorry truth about us IF chicks. we're sucker's for IF punishment. Much love and hugs to you Nicole darling. XXX clare

Dream Writer said...

I hope that you are doing well, Nicole.

Thinking about you and you are in my thoughts!

MLO said...

Grief is ok. It is normal and natural. It is also hard. Especially for those of us taught to "keep it together" lest we inconvenience anyone else. Women especially tend to bottle it up when we need to cry and rail against the world.

The thing is, sometimes grief is scary. It can overwhem us, and none of us want to be overwhelmed.

I'm very sorry for your losses. It is no fun finding out what is stolen from us when we are past being able to do something about it.

Pax,

MLO

jane said...

Nothing you are feeling is pathetic. I don't have any answers for you, but I'm here if you want to talk. If you can, try to give yourself a break, k?

Amateur Dancer said...

hey nicole,

it is thursday. i am just sending you a hug.

((((((dancer))))))

*oh, dingo dog wants to send hugs too
(((((((dingo dog)))))))

marlena rivers said...

hi there, again late and i apologize for the lateness. so i've caught up. and i thank you for commenting on my blog in the middle of all this. so sweet of you. i feel for you and this loss. it is not pathetic at all. it's so very real. i felt bad after my abortion that was due to being on meds and i did not even bond with the beginning embryo. so i can only imagine how hard this is. i feel close to it as my very close friend went through something very similar and i remember how excited we were about the baby. she found out around the same time as you. as i said in my last comment, she is now with her lovely 5 month old baby, so i can imagine that eventually time will heal your wounds and you can try again if you choose to. i also know of a woman who has 2 kids now and had some late pregnancy miscarriages.
but you are living through th e pain now and you are very brave. these are multiple challenges, coping with bipolar stuff, dealing with a miscarriage and then the chlamydia and revisitng past traumas of your last marriage. be good to yourself. just rest and don't pressure yourself. you need to heal your soul mind and body and that takes a lot of time and energy.
i will be thinking of you and sending you good thoughts and vibes. you are a truly special and wonderful person and i admire your courage.

Jason and Samantha said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you! It's not pathetic to feel sorry for your loss, even if its your first.. losing a baby will always be difficult. *hugs*

thrice said...

I know that you wouldn't allow someone to name-call your child. And personally, I don't like it when people name-call my friends. So stop name-calling yourself!!!

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I hope the above made sense.

Maggs said...

don't give up hope yet!!

ultimatejourney said...

I came across your blog and wanted to say how incredibly sorry I am for your loss.