Friday, March 30, 2007

How are you doing today? Well, I'm pissed off.

I am extremely sensitive to comments from people in my everyday, non-bloggie, life. Very sensitive. Here are a few excerpts of what has been said by well meaning people, and how I would like to respond is in italics.
  • "It's just bad luck and you were the one in five in these odds for miscarriage. So if you have 5 pregnant women in the room, 1 of those women will miscarry and that was you." Really, Sherlock? Is that how odds work? If we have 5 people in a room, and I use everyone of them to beat you senseless, then what are the odds that I will kill you? Pretty high, I'd say.
  • "It just wasn't meant to be." So the baby wasn't meant to be, but the miscarriage was? Nice. If it's not meant to be then maybe it shouldn't have started like it was.
  • "Well at least you know that you can get pregnant." Unfortunately, it takes a bit more than that to get one of them take home babies though. So if that's all the optimism that you can muster, please don't bother even opening your mouth.
  • A nurse at the hospital after my D&C apparently thought that this comment would be helpful in some way, "I've had 5 miscarriages so far." Well, that's some happy news, please tell me more. If I get to number 5, then I will surely shoot myself in the head. That way I won't have anyway of saying the same thing to an unsuspecting, sad patient after her first D&C/miscarriage.
OK, so maybe I am a bit snarky right now. The thing is that I never say any of the stuff I am thinking when people make these comments. Instead, I just smile, thank them for their help, and even tell them they are so insightful. I am such a liar.

31 comments:

Not so little sister said...

I think you are allowed the snarkiness. These people are so insensitive. Don't they realize a simple "I'm sorry" is better than all that other shit?

I hope you feel better soon. Sending you lots of hugs!

Aurelia said...

Is it wrong that I laughed at your replies in italics? The first one on stats, I really really want to use....

I have to admit the last one, from the nurse, I can relate to her a lot, I am always afraid to scare people, so I'm careful what I say. I can't believe she said that to you at that exact moment!

I am sorry there are so many buttheads in the world.

Nadine said...

I'm sure I don't always say the right thing, but I am thinking of you. Hugs!

Casey said...

Oh, man. What are the odds that in a group of five people, at least one is going to say something stupid?

Becks said...

It's the old sensitivity chip missing again. It would have been so good if you'd have come out with your responses - they were so funny.

tipsymarie said...

The NURSE said that?? I am sorry, but that really appeals to my dark sense of humor. Because isn't she supposed to offer words of wisdom, or something at least resembling wisdom?

Your italicized replies kick ass, especially the first one.

theoneliner said...

omg you're funny and those people suck. you should kick them. i'll defend you. they'll be a big trial. we'll make sure that all women in their early 30's are on the jury. they'll acquit you in no time.
so, go kick them, and i'll get your bond set up.; )

Dream Writer said...

Sometimes, I wonder if I say the right thing...and at times, I just keep my mouth shut...or at least try to anyway.

I do mean the very best with what I say, though. My heart is always in the right place :)

You have every right to be snarky...they were comments towards you and during your grieving process and you're probably still going through the grieving process, so there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you feel.

I do hope you are feeling OK...I am thinking about you...

DD said...

Keep a squirt bottle by you when someone says something stupid and squirt them with it, much like you would a cat, just to see what happens.

I bet it'll make you smile. If they don't get the hint, you could always add pepper spray.

The Road Less Travelled said...

There are times when a simple I'm sorry will do. I wanted to say to all the well meaning comments there is no bright side to miscarriage so please don't try to find one. ((hugs))

ultimatejourney said...

You have every right to be pissed, especially at the nurse. Someone who deals with D&C patients should be trained in appropriate versus inappropriate responses.

I probably would have the guts to say any of your comebacks, but I wouldn't be nice enough to pretend I appreciated their thoughts.

megan said...

i'm sorry that people have been such insensitive asshats around you lately. that sucks. truly, nothing wrong with a little snarkiness in retort. i *love* dd's suggestion of carrying around a little squirt bottle and squirting offenders like you would a cat. that would be so much fun.

Sara said...

People rarely know what to say, but they want to say something. Too bad so many people are Big Dorks.

I sometimes wonder if there wouldn't be such asshattery if miscarriage wasn't such a Dirty Secret -- if it was talked about more openly so that people had more exposure to what to say/not to say....

You don't have to thank the asshats, though. They may mean well, but lots of people mean well and wind up effing things up, and people don't thank them

BerryBird said...

Oh, Nicole, you are too kind. You are going to grind your teeth down to dust at this rate. Keep venting to us! We'll definitely wield the fists of fury on your behalf.

Adrienne said...

Your nurse sounds like the one I had at D&C #3. So helpful to hear things like that, isn't it? I almost wrapped my IV around her head.

Bumble said...

Yup I remember some of those, esp. the "At least you know you can get pregnant now!" Hey hooray for me. Thanks Asshat!

I hope you're hanging in there sweetie. You don't have to be nice to them all if you don't feel like it, and I can come to help you beat them senseless if you want?

Renee said...

HUGS

serenity said...

Girl, you be as snarky as you need to. Those comments are fucking stupid.

(and like aurelia, I LOVED your replies to them...)

*hug*

xxx

Baby Blues said...

We just can't get away from insensitive remarks, even if they mean well. Don't they know that a good rule of thumb is "If you can't say anything nice, or just don't know what to say, don't say anything at all!" Really. It's that simple.

I just love the scene in Litt1e Miss Sun.shine when Dwayne came screaming out of the van after finding out he's color blind (when all he ever wanted to be is a pilot). No one could console him. Olive simply came up to him, put her head on his shoulder and didn't say a word. But just sat there with him. It was simply what he needed to feel better.

So I'm putting my arm around your shoulder, saying nothing but just being here with you.

ASHMC2 said...

OK, as much as their comments hurt, they were trying to consul you in your time of need. Everyone isn’t smart enough to just shut up and let you greave on your own. You truly have the right to be cynical about it all, but remember no one actually meant to hurt you. They were trying to help in there own inept way.

I hope this isn’t insensitive – My wife and I went through more than our share of miscarriages, but in the end after all the tears and thoughts of why, two beautiful children proved to be strong enough to be here. So remember when things seem hopeless, there is still hope out there and you will find it and all these people here that love you will still be be here to say congrats.

I am truly sorry for your loss.

jane said...

That doesn't seem snarky to me, it seems honest. I say tell em what you think!

niobe said...

People are idiots. Even those who should know better.

I vote for using some of your extremely funny comebacks every once in awhile. I guarantee that any of your comments will go a long way towards curing these people of their foot-in-mouth disease.

thrice said...

It never ceases to amaze me that people can't just say "I'm sorry that you are going through xyz right now." Do you really tell people that they are so insightful? Why?

Dino aka Katy said...

I can't believe you don't respond to them that way I am sure I would have

Patience said...

I think it would be so liberating to let our mouths run free when we get the assinine comments - but of course I just swallow it down and let it fester...

Anns said...

I don't think people mean to be insensitive when you m/c -- I truly think they're at such a loss for words that they say what they think will make you feel better without actually thinking about what they're saying. We should come up with a list of "acceptable comments to news of a m/c"... I'm gonna work on that and post in a few.

Be strong.. we're all here for you.

Anns xo

Molecular Turtle said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I don't think any words are approprate for the situation.

Jason and Samantha said...

(((HUGS)) I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the dumbasses who are so insensitive!!

Prayers going your way!!

thirdtimelucky said...

Oh honey I know what you mean about the "helpful" comments. Sending a hug as it's the only thing that helped me.

Maggs said...

people just don't know what to say, so they try to say anything. i'd say the majority mean well.

we should really just shut up.

: (

Ol' Lady said...

when some idiot says something to me that is completely stupid I like to ask them 'were you born that way? or was it an accident?' they usually shut up and try to figure out what I mean...then I walk away...fuck 'em all...I'm on your side and if ya need me you know where to get me :)
Big (((HUGS)))