Saturday, March 24, 2007

Adventures in Medicine

So yesterday, Husband and I arrived at the hospital for my D&C at around 2:00pm. The very kind nurses got me situated in the same day surgery department and I was lounging on the gurney trying to appreciate the rare moment of watching cable TV. Plus, I was efficiently hydrating with my new IV line. Around 3:00pm, Mr. Doctor came in to brief me, and when he asked if I had any questions, I wondered aloud about the results of the last cervical smear Mrs. Doctor had done when she couldn't find the heartbeat. That day, she remarked that my cervix was looking rather raw. Concerned, she did a quick smear and sent it out. They got the results of that test late Thursday. No one had thought to look at the results before hand, so when I mentioned it to Mr. Doctor he ran out to call the office and find out if the results were indeed back and what they said.

Now before, I reveal what those results were, I need to remind everyone of something. Both Husband and I were married and divorced before this marriage. Both of us left our first spouses upon the discovery that his wife and my husband were in fact cheating on us. As I have previously mentioned, the first husband didn't just cheat once, he had actually been sleeping with other women the entire 10 years we had been together. Once I got a divorce and before I began my relationship with Husband, I went to Planned Parenthood and got a full work up concerning STDs, including HIV. It was scary, but the results all came back negative at that time. Little did I know that a few diseases can lay low and remain undetected for quite awhile.

The lab results came back as equivocal for chlamydia. Basically, the results were neither absolutely positive, nor necessarily negative. Nice, huh? I thought so. When Mr. and Mrs. Doctor consulted with me yesterday, they both agreed, and thus so did I, that they wanted me on 48 hours of the best antibiotic before doing this D&C. Too high of a risk of driving the bacteria further into my reproductive organs than it already might be. And while it doesn't currently appear that the bacteria has done any damage to the tubes, the bacteria may be responsible for the death of my fetus.

This is an incredibly painful time for me as it was. But now to know that my first marriage and all of the awful things that happened as a result of it continue to haunt me in the most important thing in my life right now. I am filled with rage, and anger, and revenge. I am going through life mostly in silence at this time. I just can hardly say anything at all. I fear that if I open my mouth, I won't be able to stop the explosion of hate that would come from within.

39 comments:

Aurelia said...

Oh Nicole,

You have a right to be angry and a right to yell, feel free to do it here on your site, and we'll all listen to it as long as you need to say it.

I'm so sorry this had to happen...and I'm assuming that your hubs is on the antibiotics as well, so that it will not get passed back and forth and will be gone forever from both your lives.

That said, before we hunt down your ex and kill him for you, wait to get the pathology results back. This may still be a chromosomal loss, and the chlamydia would not have changed the outcome in that case. Two unrelated things can occur at the same time, really.

And if it was an infection, know that it will be obvious to any good pathologist looking at the tissue.

Once you know for sure...well, I think it's time for more chainsaws and butterknives, IMHO. (weak joke, attempt a smile?)

My heart is breaking for you my friend. I'll be thinking about you all night and all tommorrow.

Adrienne said...

As if the pain of this isn't enough, it has to drag up pain from a previous life and rub it into the wound in this one. I'm so, so sorry you're going through this, my friend.

Patience said...

Nicole,

My heart feels like a lead weight for you - and tears sting my eyes. How fucking, fucking unfair...

Getting my chainsaw and butterknives at the ready.

I wish I could hug you right now.

Cibele said...

Oh Nicole, I am so sorry. I just want to send you a big hug and my support. You will be in my prayers

three minute palaver said...

I have a lot of unresolved rage at/about my ex husband so I can completely sympathise with how you are feeling. Miscarriage hurts no matter what the circumstances are but you are having to deal with a double whammy. I really hope the chlamydia hasn't cause PID and won't cause any further problems for you. Thank goodness you had your smarts about you and asked for your smear results before surgery. I hope this and the anitbiotics will prevent any further chlamydia issues you might have. I'm thinking of you today and hope the D&C is uneventful. You deserve so much more than this.

tipsymarie said...

Oh nicole, I am so sorry. I suppose it sounds odd for me to hope (and I use that word in the loosest sense) there were chromosomal abnormalities, but maybe that would be easier (it did help me to know that) to handle than thinking you have an infection that caused the loss. Did you have bacterial vagniosis a few weeks/months ago? Would that have anything to do with the chlamydia? I am sorry if that's a stupid question, but I would think you are handling all you can right now and sometimes details like that can be important.

And thank god you thought to even ask about that before your d&c. What is sad to me is your dr should've reviewed your chart BEFORE the d&c, but hey, we are all our own advocates unfortunately. Your emotional fortitude continues to amaze me.

terri s. said...

hi nicole. i'm so sorry, that just sucks. you will get through this. i know you. you will get through this. you are stronger than you think.

KansasSunflower said...

I'm so so sorry...there are huge amounts of rage I would be feeling at this moment if I were you, and if I could take just a bit of your anger away, I would.

You're in my thoughts....

Dino aka Katy said...

sadly I know about cheating spouses and STD's given to innocents spouses all to well. My first infected me with the HPV virus after he came back from Turkey. I went through cryo surgery but it kept coming back while I was with him. Once I left him it went away as far as I know. All my paps have been clear since then. HPV can cause infertility and I do often wonder if it contributes to the fact that I have not been pregnant yet and if thats the case I hope to never cross his path because I will hurt him. The marriage left me with enough scars ...

Maggs said...

you have got to be kidding me! your ex was an ass. sure you knew that already.

been thinking about you...

Barbara said...

Nicole - I'm so sorry to hear all this news. I've been out of touch with the blogosphere as of late and am so sorry I wasn't here to lend support. I hope your anger has dispelled a little, don't let it poison you.
xo
Barbara

Renee said...

You have every right to be angry...rage, rage.

I hope that everything goes well with the D&C and that you are able to try again when you're ready.

You're still in my prayers.

Bumble said...

Oh Nicole, my goodness I'm so angry and upset for you. To think that your ass of an ex could have left this legacy that still hurts you now so badly makes me so damn mad. I'm really so sorry hun, I'm thinking of you.

Sara said...

Oh, man.

I wish M-cat had ripped up his face and it had gotten infection and cat-scratch fever, leaving him horribly scarred....

Oh, well...

I'm sorry.

Dianne/Flutter said...

Nicole, I am so sorry. I don't even know what to say. But tears are in my eyes. And I am sending you love.

Anonymous said...

oh weezer,
i am so sorry for all of this and I am so sorry that horror of ass is still haunting you. I can only relish the thought that he has developed a severe case of something horrific and will suffer slowly an no one will take care of him since he did not care for you. I am sorry for the anger husband must feel as well towards ass for affecting his life and family as well. do not let your anger rule you as it is not good for your health, youe mental state, or your marriage. love you

Amanda said...

This is horrible. I don't even know the guy and I want to kick him in the balls with a pointy boot. :(

Casey said...

I'm so sorry, Nicole.

Molecular Turtle said...

I'm so sorry to hear that Nicole. My thoughts are with you and I'm wishing you all the best.

Anonymous said...

thinking about you.... i hope that yesterday went as okay as it could have gone

ivy said...

I agree you have every right to be angry. Any of us would be. I'm sorry you are going through this..

Not so little sister said...

((((Nicole))))

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

Absolutely horrible!! I was also married before - a marriage that ended for nearly the same reasons. And I feel like that relationship haunts me in many ways. I know that I would be beyond angry, seeing only red, if I were in your shoes. I send my sympathies/empathies!

The Town Criers said...

Oh, sweetheart. You have the right to yell. And to scream. And to cry. I am so sorry, Nicole.

Jenny F. Scientist said...

Lots of hugs. Really, that's a terrible thing to learn at any point and especially now. I'll join the bat-and-butterknife squad at any time.

I have enough trouble letting go of my anger at Evil Ex Who Works In My Lab; I imagine it must be much, much harder for a marriage that went down in well-deserved flames. I sincerely hope, for your sake, that this infection didn't cause fetal demise.

Sending lots of antibacterial thoughts your way.

serendipity said...

this is the first time I've stopped by your blog (from Veronika). i just want to say how sorry i am.

Anonymous said...

weezer,
have you thought about finding out if ass knew about this condition prior to passing it to you so that you can have him brought up on charges for knowingly giving it you and posssibly contributing this nightmare? how about suing?

jane said...

My gosh, when it rains it pours, doesn't it? I hope there are wonderful, good things around the corner for you.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

WOW! SO sorry I've been away, tied up in ,my own problems, but this is really terrible! How upsetting and heartbreaking it all is!

I wish there was a magic pill I could send you to make it all better!

(((((((((((Nicole))))))))))))))

take care of yourself.

Jason and Samantha said...

I'm so sorry Nicole. **hugs** Prayers and thoughts going your way!

BerryBird said...

Oh, Nicole. I'm at such a loss for words. How could one jerk cause so much pain so many years later? Hell is too good for him. I'm so sorry.

Dream Writer said...

I was married before to an alcoholic abusive idiot and I always feared that myself.

I am so sorry...I hope that you are feeling better.

Thinking of you!

Mands said...

I am so sorry you had to deal with that kind of deception for so long, and that it may be the cause of your loss now.
You have every right to be angry. Don't keep it in, let it out - you will feel better for it.
Hope your D&C goes well, I'm sure it will.
*Hugs*

theoneliner said...

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I am angry too. Oh there's is special place for your ex on his deminse.

geeeezzzzz.....i am so sorry that this is getting even more painful. good grief bad things happen to good people.

you're in my thoughts. xoxoxo

Renee said...

hope all is well.

Thanks for stopping by.

It's trying to be cold here again.

megan said...

I'm so sorry, Nicole. You're certainly entitled to any and all emotions going through you right now. Let it out. We're listening, and here to support you.

Veronika said...

*hugs* to you, girl. Anger, rage, hate. Everything you're feeling is okay. It's so comforting to know that you've got such a great husband now. Please don't let this turn you bitter.
You've been on my mind forever.
:)

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

I'm so so sorry about this, and sorry I've been absent. Mary

(((hug)))

Lupo Grigio said...

I'm following Mary around the internet right now, please forgive me, I want to offer my condolences, too! Lupo!!!! :-(

((((HUG ECHOES)))))

these hopefully will repeat~!

((((HUG ECHOES)))))