Monday, April 2, 2007

Now what? (with minor update)

So, I don't really know how to keep going. This is my first day back to class after being absent for the last week. To say that I am a vegetable may be overstating my ability to function. I tried to read up on the assignments so I would be ready for class, and it just wasn't happening for me. I just keep reading the same sentences over and over again. Honestly, I don't know how I am going to complete the semester.

I am stuck in grief. Last night, we went out to see David Sedaris do a reading at our local theater. Towards the end, he promoted a book about zombies, the living dead. Now that I think it over, I think that may be me, the living dead, a zombie. A lifeless but moving corpse that just wants to bite people's heads off. That's me.

It's a bit scary when I realize that I have zero desire to live or to be alive. I just want to fade to black, quietly, while no one is paying attention.

Updated as of 8ish this evening: I have been crying in that ugly way all day, but I am still here. Thanks to all of you, the husband, and the pups (even though they got into the garbage). Not going anywhere today, promise.

39 comments:

Jackie said...

Time can't move fast enough to heal this pain. Thinking of you...

anonymous mom said...

then we'll have to keep paying attention, won't we...

((((nicole)))

Renee said...

Yes, we will keep paying attention to you so you can't slip away.

Sending lots of hugs and prayers.

Nadine said...

Here's another person paying attention and wanting you here.

Hugs.

DD said...

I would notice.

ultimatejourney said...

I'm sending you my best wishes as you work through your grief.

serenity said...

*hug*

Yes, I'd notice.

Baby Blues said...

Hugs. I'm praying for your healing.

Colette said...

All of us would notice and be very upset if we didn't see you! You are loved by many...you need to know that. This is a tough time...but we are all here for you!

Dianne/Flutter said...

Sending you a hug, and we would notice.

Adrienne said...

We all would notice. Honey, please find someone to talk to about this. Please.

Not so little sister said...

((((((Nicole))))))

Aurelia said...

If you slipped away, I would notice TOTALLY! This is the time to pay extra special attention to yourself, and make sure your profs know what's up. This they can understand and feel sympathy for, really.

Please stay around, if you left the blogworld would be a sadder place for it.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I wish I knew you in real life! And despite the fact that I don't I still would notice if you faded away.

tipsymarie said...

Well, too bad for you. There's no one on here who is going to stop paying attention. Sorry, but no slipping away into blackness on the Infertile 2007 watch.

Thinking of you and hoping you start to climb out of the hole soon.

niobe said...

I just want to fade to black, quietly, while no one is paying attention.

I've felt this so many times too. I've felt so much pain that I honestly couldn't comprehend how I could suffer so much and still be alive. Though I could feel my breath going in and out, it seemed as if I was already dead.

But this post worries me a little. Obviously, I don't know you at all, and maybe this is just hyperbole or metaphor, but if you are really feeling that you might hurt or kill yourself, please, please get help.

Cibele said...

"stuck in grief" I felt like that before... it is a difficult place to be, but I assure you that it goes way eventually, or we learn to co exist with it. Either way I guarantee that you will fell better soon.

Take care my dear and keep on fighting

Hugs

Becks said...

Thinking of you....lots

jane said...

Do what's best for you right now. If that means dropping out of a class, do so.
You're in my thoughts.

Dino aka Katy said...

okay first of WE ARE PAYING attention - second can you withdraw for this semester take a break and start over next semester?

sending you lots of positive cyber vibes

terri s. said...

breathe. start by going day to day. heartache lessens over time. you will get through this.

Emilija said...

Nicole, you would be missed. You can't slip away unnoticed.

I don't know how law school works, but maybe you can get an extended deadline for some of your major assignments? I didn't always finish my work by the semester's end when things were going badly. I would pick one or two major assingments to put off, and that way I could focus on the rest of my work for the semester.

The Road Less Travelled said...

I felt the same way you did, just keep holding on, it's hard, but you'll make it. In the mean time sending you huge cyber ((hugs)).

Sara said...

we're all paying far too much attention for you to sneak around....

plus, zombies eat *brains.* Yuck!

You're only a week out. You're not long past the "comfortably numb" bit. You're not stuck in the grief, you're finding your way out, and it takes awhile.

megan said...

and here's another person paying attention . . .we'll pay attention, and you do what you need to do in order to keep putting one foot in front of the other. you *can* get through this.

BerryBird said...

Oh, Nicole. We are definitely paying attention, sweetie. All of us here, we are all reading your blog first, we are just so sad for you, and worried, too. We can't make things better for you, but DAMN! We really want to.

ak1908 said...

Hi,
Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon. I've been down this road before, and two years later, it still hurts.
Peace and blessings.

Bumble said...

I'M PAYING ATTENTION! Don't you go anywhere Nicole. I know how shit this is, and I felt dead inside for a long time but I promise you it does get better. It takes time, but a tiny bit every day adds up. I'm here for you, please look after yourself. Thinking of you my friend x

Jason and Samantha said...

(((hugs)))

Here's another one to keep paying attention to you!

Baby Blues said...

Yoohoo Nicole. Just checking in and paying attention! Even if it means bombarding your comment box. Haha!

My Reality said...

I hope the ugly crying has been cathartic. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Cibele said...

Hang in there my dear! Sometimes the ungly cry is the only kind that helps...
hugs

jane said...

The ugly cry? That's what Oprah calls it. ;)

Crying is good.

Sky said...

We're all paying attention - no slipping away allowed! I hate to say it, but it sounds like you are on a fairly normal grief path. I certainly couldn't concentrate on anything a week after my m/c when I was back in work.

BUT, give yourself credit, you were in college, you had managed to get washed and dressed and get yourself there and then get yourself home again. Why not allow yourself to not concentrate in college for a week, but just get yourself there and back. The following week aim for a bit of concentration.
It won't feel like it but you are doing well.

For me it was 3 months before I felt 'normal' again - some people are much faster, others take longer. On week 2 the pain and loss is still so raw, but things will get easier. It's just a very hard road to tread.

One thing that helped me was that my consultant explained that with a miscarriage, you're not just grieving 8/9 weeks of life that has been lost but you are also grieving for the dreams and plans that every mum-to-be starts making for her family as soon as she knows she is pregnant. This really made sense to me and helped explain the intensity of grief - you are mourning so much.

You're strong though and you will get through this, and we're here to walk beside you if you need us. Take care.

thirdtimelucky said...

Take care of yourself.

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

Your depression manifests in the same way that mine does. Try to remind yourself that your brain chemistry is unbalanced right now and that this state will pass, even if you don't believe it. Your mind is really cloudy right now, which is understandable. I agree with the other bloggers who suggest that you tell your profs what is going on...

Hang in there!!!

*hugs*

Dream Writer said...

Time heals all wounds..it will take time that is for sure.

Thinking of you.

theoneliner said...

crap. sorry your so blue. (quite the understatment, eh?) i hope you are getting the support you need.
knowt that we are here and wish you the best. ; )

Sara said...

Just found you but I will start and keep paying attention. Nothing I've ever known hurts like losing a baby. It's an awful terrible horrible miserable ripping betrayal.

Be angry at well-meaning comments - I don't see why intent should COMPLETELY excuse harm caused. Be angry at the freaking whole world because right now it's being completely unfair to you.

But don't leave us.

I'm an academic, but I don't know your situation. Not sure if you're grad or undergrad, and I suppose it's actually too late to withdraw without special permission. But I urge you to forget the stupid assignments for now.

You're not stuck in grief, you've just arrived. Give yourself a break.