Wednesday, December 6, 2006


I am pouting today because I am not getting what I want when I want it. Of course, pouting doesn't make anything any better, but that doesn't seem to stop me. Ovulation is on the horizon and I don't seem to be able to attract or entice my husband into the game. So frustrating. Just as my body started giving me the clues is when he seemed to lose interest. Granted, I am ultra-sensitive to rejection these days and I interpret it all to mean the worst.

Rejection throws me into flashbacks, but not the good kind. My first husband told me everything I wanted to hear, but his actions always betrayed his words. He reassured me over and over again that he wanted children with me and loved me more than anything in the world. With hindsight I can be thankful that he couldn't follow through on the conception of a baby part. His body just wouldn't play along. Took me awhile to figure out what it all meant. So now, everytime my current husband doesn't show absolute enthusiasm I think of the last one. My poor husband lives in the shadows of my insecurity. Unfortunately, I am not in a state of mind to feel too bad for him. For now, I am just pouting and trying to keep myself from a complete a total freak out. Let's just say that the last time I felt this way I launched into insanity and did a bit of carving. Focus, focus, focus...

1 comment:

Veronika said...

Hi Nicole! Nice to meet you. Thanks for your kind comments on my blog.
You seem to have a strong, supporting husband who loves you very much. I think that's great!