Thursday, December 14, 2006

Now that's just mean

Rage is the word of the day for me. Anger, frustration, and sadness make rage a good place to hide. I wish that I could say I am upset for a bunch of small reasons, but the reality is that I am in a lot of pain for a very big reason. As I have previously mentioned, I am in the process of looking for my Summer 2007 job. According to the rules of my field, we had to choose from our offers as of December 1st. I say choose because my colleagues were holding onto multiple offers from firms all over the country. I had no choices, not even one. Over the years, I have become accustomed to rejection and learned to live with it as a part of life, like most adults. But rejection from everyone is hard to get used to, no matter how many times it happens. Of the 6 firms I got an interview with not a single one sent me an offer.

I don't write this for sympathy or because I think I am the only one it has ever happened to. I write about it because I don't know how else to deal with it but try to get it out, and it certainly doesn't help to think that I am one of many. Responses from those who should know better have been pathetic. I cried in my career counselor's office and said I just want to be able to support my family and pay back my loans, in other words I don't have delusions of grandeur and I never thought this process would be easy. Her first response was, "Doesn't your husband have a job?" Uh... yes, but thanks for checking. Her next brilliant comment, "Maybe you should hold off having children for now." First, of all, that's none of her fucking business. Second, that means to me that I should be punished for my unemployment issue and don't deserve a family if I can't get a job at a firm. I made the comment that this is the next most painful thing in my adult life that I have had to manage, the first most painful experience as an adult was my divorce and the fact that my husband was having affair after affair after affair and I never had a clue. Her response, "Well at least it's not the worst thing that has happened to you." I glared at her on that one and replied that apparently she has never been divorced. She said no, but she is a child of divorce. While I am sure that is a terrible experience as well, it's not even close to the same. Wow, the verbal diarrhea that flows from her mouth indicates that she has a severe case of oral amoebic dysentery.

The next best part about the job hunt is that I have practically had to beg for a response from these firms. There is still one firm that has forgotten to send its rejection letter. I am not even worth the paper and effort it takes to send out a form letter rejection. Now that's just mean. It is everything I can do not to post the firm's name on this site. But I won't because I am infamous for my bridge burning, and the arson only ends up hurting me.

I think I am in need of some long term treadmill time today. Thanks for listening.


Aurelia said...

I just found you from Julie's blog. And we just might have a few things in common! Admittedly I have ADD, not bipolar, but I've been on ADs and various and sundry drugs during TTC and pregnancy and breastfeeding. I've taken a few things off my blog because of a troll, so my details are sketchier there, but off the top of my head...have you looked at ?
And I'm sorry to hear about the job issues. I hope it gets better soon!

Veronika said...

Rejection is VERY tough to handle, isn't it? It's even more frustrating when people seem to be so insensitive. I honestly think that those people don't really know what to say, and when they do say something, it usually comes out wrong, just wrong.
I really admire you for getting through school while dealing with all these things. You're unquestionably determined! And that makes for a great parent - which I believe you and your husband will be one day.
I don't think these firms know what they're losing out on when they don't offer you a postition.
Exercise away!

Veronika said...

P.S. Your doggies are cute! And I was noticing your netflix list. Monty Python is great! Brandon and used to love to kick back and watch those videos.

Anonymous said...

Nicole - Rejection is very tough, don't blame you at all for feeling bad. Crying is cathartic, there is a chemical that's released when you cry that makes you feel better. Exercise also releases those endorphins. Don't give up, your dream job is waiting for you to find it.


Veronika said...

Hey girl, I came by to see if you've updated. I'll be gone for a while today, but hopefully I'll be back on before I go to bed. Hope you have a most fab day today and keep exercising!