Friday, December 22, 2006

I'm sorry

I am so profoundly sad today that it is difficult to see how to make it through the next hour, the next minute, the next sentence. So I will just keep typing and hope that something I write makes a little bit of sense. First of all, I am so so sorry. Sorry that you are reading this and perhaps hoping for something funny. I don't have funny. All I have is sad.

I didn't sleep much, if at all, last night. I keep having flashbacks of the life I have made for myself and how it has all gone so horribly wrong. I won't even bother to list all of the things that I am hating myself for right now. The best thing I can think of to describe bipolar disorder at this moment is a description I once read about it somewhere. Here it is...Bipolar illness is anger gone awry. When I am manic, the extreme anger faces outward and is expressed as hatred for everyone and everything. That was yesterday. When I am depressed, the intense anger faces inward. I hate myself, anything and everything I have ever done. That is today.

I have thought a lot about why it is that I think others want to see me fail and enjoy it even. Despite my husbands logical and reasonable assessment that if they want to see me fail, that's their problem not mine. It's especially self centered to think that everyone wants to see me fail, I know this, but that doesn't help me. In fact, it's just one more reason to loathe myself.

I have received so many Christmas letters from friends from college. While I am aware that these letters are a bit slanted and don't reveal everything that's going on, I am also aware that there must be some truth to their words. These letters tell tales of new homes, recently purchased property, new babies, new jobs, and loving families. It's becoming more and more difficult to fight off the idea that their happiness doesn't take anything away from me. Unfortunately, I do end up thinking of what I am missing, what I have fucked up along the way, and what a terrible terrible person I am for thinking of any of it. Not to mention what a terrible, ungrateful person I am in general.

I tried everything to escape my head this morning. The treadmill, writing my own Christmas letter (except it sounded more like my last post), meditation, yoga, sleep. It was all a tremendous failure. I cannot help but wonder if the new med I have added to my psych-salad is making things worse. In the past Zoloft hasn't created problems, but that doesn't really mean anything.

OK, that's enough puling. I can't stand to read this or write this anymore. I make myself sick.


Aurelia said...

Never apologize to me. I can be a major downer, and wayy no fun. Until I get drunk of course-then I turn into a Ho. Sometimes even a HoHoHo.

Please don't sit there like this though. Call your shrink, call your husband, do something!!
And hey I don't know if you read Tertia at So Close, but she had posted about ADs recently and got some interesting comments from people who've taken them and people who've sold them. (Drug company reps?) You may get an idea or two. Maybe even a laugh at some of her sillier posts?

JOdi said...

I am worried. I love you and never want to see you fail. I could list all my failures if it will make you feel better. I envy all that you have accomplished. Come out and visit me!

Barbara said...

Nicole - I'm so sorry to see you struggle. Your husband sounds like a wonderful guy who is willing to be a rock in the storms. Wonderful guys marry wonderful girls. Believe it.

sara said...

Hey 'cole,

I know that when you're this far down, rationalizing isn't gonna work, but I'll say it anyway; There are plenty of people out here who aren't waiting for you to fail... and don't think you're failing....

And if you're an awful person for thinking those thoughts when you get letters talking about how everyone's life is better than yours.... then I am too. 'Cause if I find out one more college classmate has just been appointed Assistant Secretary of the Exterior or bought a Victorian in San Francisco, I might barf. And I have less reason to barf than you do.... so I'm *more* ungrateful....

Here's to being an ungrateful witch. I hope you make it through the next few days, especially with the inlaws, without anybody, especially you, coming to GBH. When you get back, come over for hot chocolate and to see our Twee with its Garlic.

jane said...

The holiday season is such a rough time regardless of how relaxed we want it to be.
If you were getting off of Effexor during this time, that may very well be why you're so depressed.
I went through heroin withdrawals & I swear, psych. meds are harder to get off of.