What a difference a med makes

Thanks so much for all the well wishes, hugs, and good thoughts of reason. Much appreciated.

I have since had my meds picked up from the pharmacy and everything looks so much better now. Clearly, I still have a bit of denial going on regarding how much I need my meds and how really mentally ill I am.

To get ready for my new OB visit tomorrow, I picked up my medical records from my last OB. And against my better judgment, I started reading through them. While scanning through my ultrasound reports, two works struck me quite fiercely. BICORNUATE UTERUS! How in the world was I not informed of this seemingly important detail? I promptly called Husband and asked him to start doing some research on the abnormal anatomy and its affects on pregnancy.

What we've read on various medical and pregnancy sites has been a mix of neutral and bad news. Any thoughts from my well edguhmucated buddies out there? Words of wisdom and humor always welcome.

And the walls came crumbling down

Perhaps from my last entry, you have deduced that I am on a downward slide. If so, you would be entirely correct. I ran out of Z0l0ft over the weekend and am on day 2 of complete withdrawal. I am quickly losing the ability to function at all and the world is looking surprisingly bleak. Let's hit the low points:

1. I am not at all nauseous today. Not at all. Moderately crampy too. Convinced that this pregnancy is over.
2. Nothing I do will ever change my current circumstances. I will always be a failure. And, despite my track record, I will always work really hard only to cause cataclysmic destruction and failure.
3. I am stupid no matter how many degrees I have.
4. I can't pay my rent, no matter how many jobs I have, because see above.
5. No matter how much I know about my mental illness and the importance of maintaining my meds, I will always allow myself to run out of meds and then consider myself a total failure in everything with any importance.
6. I will take everything personally, blame everything on myself, realize that I am depressed and then still slice open my arms in attempt at healing. Now that makes so much sense doesn't it?

I could just keep going, but I think we get the point.

Fuck my classes, my committments, and my clients. I'm going home.

Just crazy

Sometimes I marvel at the appropriateness of the name of my blog. Although today, I leave out the "enough" and say, "Just crazy". My emotions have been all over the board and it's a true miracle that my husband doesn't just quietly pack up and leave while I'm sleeping.

Early last week, I arrived at a decision to go with "Fifty Fingers" OB/GYN and gave them a call to schedule an appointment. When they said they would "be willing" to see me as early as November 28th, I started to rethink my decision. So I hung up and called the doctor that is 35 minutes away. I have an appointment for November 1, and the only reason they couldn't get me in earlier is because he was out of town the week I called. So next Thursday, I am hoping for a positive experience and a gratuitous scan. Honestly, the 35 minute drive will give me some time to spend with Husband; time that is becoming increasingly rare with my overloaded schedule.

In the crazy department, I never miss an opportunity to worry. If I don't have any cramps or back pain then I worry that the little guy has ceased to grow and I have become a walking human coffin. Lovely. If I do have cramps or a low backache, no matter how mild, I worry that I am about to deliver a baby the size of a pistachio. So no matter what, I am screwed in the head. Plus, I had my weekly breakdown last Sunday and concluded that I would fail every single thing I am trying to do if I didn't relieve myself of some of the stress. So, my professor graciously granted me an incomplete so that I could write my brief for a motion for summary judgment over the holiday break. Thank God for male professors who are terrified of crazy pregnant women.

Flicker

We saw the little flicker of a heart beat this morning and we breathed a huge sigh of relief. Husband seemed really pleased and excited. I was excited by still cautious.

My first concern is that we saw a heart beat with the last one and that didn't turn out so well in the end. My second concern is that the little guy only measured at 6w3d (4 days off). On the one hand, the resolution of their machine really sucks and the little guy could have been in the wrong plain of view to get an accurate crown-rump measurement. On the other hand, I seem to remember the first pregnancy to be measuring a few days off as well. The doctor didn't seem concerned at all and saw a beautiful thick placenta building up and a well formed yolk sac. In fact, I have never seen my doctor so optimistic.

In addition, I have been released from my doctor's care and have been encouraged to find an OB to care for me for the remainder of my gestation, however long that lasts (my doctors stopped delivering babies as of last July). So here's where I need some assvice from you all. It looks like we have two primary choices:

1. The first option is to go with the baby mill here in town. For now, we'll refer to them as O.G.A. The good thing is that they see a lot of births, they are in town, they consist of midwives and obstetricians, and all my local buddies have been very happy with them. The bad thing is that they are very large and sometimes referred to as 50-fingers because you see someone different every time you go in and have no idea who you will draw when it comes time to give birth. ( I should also mention that I have had bad experiences on the GYN side of their practice.)

2. The second option is to go with a practice that is 35 minutes away. My current doctor has nothing but good things to say about this doctor and midwife team. And other local women I have spoken to say the same. In the positive, I like the idea of getting to know the doctor and midwife that I will be having in the event of a full term and resulting birth. In the negative, I will have to drive 35 minutes each way for all the visits as well as the birth.

Thoughts?

So far, so good?

I got the scan this morning. First, I am happy to report that the doctor found absolutely no signs of blood anywhere. Second, the little fuzzy thing on the screen is measuring exactly right at 6 weeks and 1 day. Sadly, there was simply not enough resolution to get a heartbeat. Doctor felt very confident that everything looked good and I have to say it looked like something was moving around in there. So I guess for now, nothing bad has happened yet. I am scheduled for another scan next Wednesday at which point a heart beat should be much easier to detect. So I am going to hunker down on the couch for now and breathe deeply. I guess I can put away the c0ca1ne and ecst@sy for another day.

By the way, all of your well wishes helped immensely. I am grateful for each and every one of you, all of the time.

Here we go again?

I only have the energy for a very brief update. I am emotionally drained. After a few hours at the wine store stocking the shelves with our latest delivery, I made my hourly trip to the bathroom. The obsessive toilet paper watching suddenly revealed something not so benign. Bright red blood, about a dime in diameter.

I called the doctor and I am scheduled for a scan tomorrow morning at 8:30am. I have mild cramping, but not the painful lower backache I had with the first miscarriage. I am terrified, angry and just plain sad. Just so very sad.

If there is a heartbeat tomorrow, I still won't feel must better given that the last time all of this occurred we saw a heartbeat then too (only to lose the little guy one week later). I am thinking it may be time for a specialist. I will let you all know tomorrow what the scan showed, if anything.

Let it ride.

First, I just have to say that you are all so fabulous and I really don't know how I would handle my anxiety without you all rooting for me. I called the doctor last night and got the betaHCG (human chorionic gonadotropin for the non-IF'ers out there) number.

1886!

Needless to say, I am pretty excited. I am also exhausted and nauseous. Whoohoo!

The good number prompted me to go ahead and put up a ticker, although it was against my superstitious judgment. It's a really rough approximation since I clearly didn't ovulate when I thought that I did.

So, for the time being, I am going to try to sit tight and just let it ride.

Sorry for the delay.

So sorry to leave you all hanging for so long, but I just got a hold of my doctor this morning to get the blood work results. Since I had the blood drawn on Friday, the results weren't available to my doctor until today. All good things come to those who wait, or something lame like that (I like to spout total bullshit when I am not sure how the world really works, which is all the time).

The beta HCG number is 170!!! That's almost triple the number just 48 hours later (first number was a pathetic 54). So all looks good, at least for now. I will go in for another anxiety motivated blood draw on Thursday. And, I have an appointment for a scan on the 15th. Here we go again!

No such thing as immaculate

So, if you look at the post I wrote just before this one, you will see that I didn't have a lot of faith in immaculate conception. Yesterday, I thought I spoke too soon. Today, I think I was right the first time around.

I got a shiny white negative HPT on Monday. Then when I noticed there was no Aunt Flo hangin' around, I peed on another stick two days later. It came up positive. Not a bright second line, but a line nevertheless. So, I had my beta HCG checked with a blood draw (and my progesterone by the way). Tonight, I got the results and it didn't look so promising. 54 is the grand number that isn't so grand. If the IF blogging world has taught me anything, it's that 54 is not promising. My progesterone is all good, but I can't get that damn 54 out of my head.

I go back in for another beta to see if that number is doubling. But, I gotta be honest, I am not so sure that 108 is going to make me feel any better. I'm sad, very very sad.

Is this thing still on?

So sorry for dropping off the face of the blogosphere for so long. I have been battling my thoughts on how to manage my blog. While I really want to write quite a bit and even set aside some time for it, I also really want you, my bloggie buddies, to read it and comment. But, how can I expect others to read and comment when I have not been doing the same. Basically, I feel bad for not making the time to visit all my bloggie buddies. Surely, the rules for blogging are no less strict than the rules for in-person friendships. If I don't return phone calls, do I really deserve to get any phone calls? I think not.

And, so on that theory, I stopped writing for a bit. I kept telling myself that as soon as things calmed down I would resume my original time commitment to blogging. As many of you would have predicted though, things never calmed down. Sixteen units in l@w school really is an insane load. A 25 hour per week part-time job at a wine shop really does contribute to total exhaustion. Another job doing research for an attorney may not absorb a lot of time, but it sure absorbs a lot of mental space. Plus, the volunteer job for yet another attorney (so I can learn actually how to practice l@w as assigned counsel in TinyTown) has an inverse relationship between salary paid and time taken. (I think I can already hear the "Well, duh." from the peanut gallery.)

Given all that keeps me busy, I still find myself quite lonely in the world of TTC and just general emotional/social connection. So in the interest of a hint of sanity, I think I need to keep writing even if I fail to visit others for now. So, if you are still reading, please stop by for a visit again and take it on faith that I will come by yours after the completion of the semester. Really, I will.

Now, for a quick update on life below the belt.

Two weeks ago, all the blood tests started to suggest that I had an ectopic pregnancy cruisin' around in there. After an emergency appointment with the dildocam, it turns out that my body finally figured things out and ejected that lingering blastocyst that was producing HCG at a record low. Much wine was enjoyed that evening. This week, I got the news that I have a cute little 3cm cyst on left ovary. Good times. Apparently, I am to go back for another romp with Mr. Dildocam in 3 months to check on cute little cyst. More good times. And in case any of you are wondering, trying to conceive and have sex on demand with a housemate wandering about does NOT work. So, in the absence of immaculate conception, there will be no double lines this month either.