Monday, October 29, 2007

And the walls came crumbling down

Perhaps from my last entry, you have deduced that I am on a downward slide. If so, you would be entirely correct. I ran out of Z0l0ft over the weekend and am on day 2 of complete withdrawal. I am quickly losing the ability to function at all and the world is looking surprisingly bleak. Let's hit the low points:
  1. I am not at all nauseous today. Not at all. Moderately crampy too. Convinced that this pregnancy is over.
  2. Nothing I do will ever change my current circumstances. I will always be a failure. And, despite my track record, I will always work really hard only to cause cataclysmic destruction and failure.
  3. I am stupid no matter how many degrees I have.
  4. I can't pay my rent, no matter how many jobs I have, because see above.
  5. No matter how much I know about my mental illness and the importance of maintaining my meds, I will always allow myself to run out of meds and then consider myself a total failure in everything with any importance.
  6. I will take everything personally, blame everything on myself, realize that I am depressed and then still slice open my arms in attempt at healing. Now that makes so much sense doesn't it?
I could just keep going, but I think we get the point.

Fuck my classes, my committments, and my clients. I'm going home.

19 comments:

Not so little sister said...

(((Nicole)))

I hope you're going by the pharmacy first to get a refill!

I'm not sure what else to say. I'm thinking about you...

Dino aka Katy said...

hang in there once you get your meds it will look better. just because you are not nauseated doesn't mean something is wrong.

megan said...

you are not stupid and you are not a failure. you're a woman who has a million and one things going on at one time + pregnancy hormones + meds that need refilling.

thinking of you, nicole and sending many hugs. now get to the pharmacy and take care of yourself.

xo

Aurelia said...

Ditto Little Sister. Please please stop by and get a refill.

Hey, how about you put a ticker on your blog for when you need more drugs? Like a big ol' sticky on your blog reminding you and us?

We can bug you a few days before to call for refills?

Sara said...

Oh 'Cole....

I wish there was some way to reach in past the gatekeeper in your brain that is telling you those things....

I like Aurelia's idea of a meds ticker!! Better yet, do you have a pharmacy-by-mail option with your insurance? Do those places allow you to set up a "just send me my pills ever 30 days" thing? New scrip comes in the mail just when you need it?

Take care of yourself. Try to to worry too much about nausea or lack thereof - that can vary by the day.

BerryBird said...

((((Nicole))))

Emilija said...

You are under a lot of stress and over-committed. And under-medicated! That would bring a lot of people down. Just take it easy on yourself!

Cibele said...

((((((((nicole)))))))
first of all just want to send you a huge HUG!
as for the symptoms, mine disappeared at 9 weeks. I freaked out and went to see my doc... Everything was fine and nausea came back full force later on and now it is gone again. Go get your meds, take some time off… you are not stupid , you are not a failure... you are very important to all of us

Bumble said...

Hugs Nicole, so sorry to see you're feeling so blue. I hope you managed to get a top-up by now. And the symptoms can come and go, it doesn't mean anything. Hang in there sweetie xxx

Caro said...

Hugs

The Oneliner (Christina) said...

oh i hope you've gotten a refill. you poor thing, i hope you feel much better soon.

thinking of you.

oxoxo

B said...

Ouch. That must hurt terribly. Especially if you have a little voice in your head telling you that you have to be grateful for the pregnancy/successes/etc.

It's not ungrateful to be sad, scared, overwhelmed, and overstressed. It's normal.

There's no need to feel bad for feeling bad. And it's ok to ask for and need help.

Can your husband help you with remembering meds while you're pregnant? It's possible that he wants to be able to do MORE for you.

Take care of yourself.

peep said...

God I am so sorry your mind is torturing you like that. Hang in there until your next appointment.

Dreamer4agift said...

(((hugs to you)))

Get those meds back in your system. I understand how hard it is to keep your sanity b/c of health problems, but hang in there. I'm prayin' for ya, Nicole and things will work themselves out.

Baby Blues said...

No words. Just sending you a big HUG.

Jenny F. Scientist said...

Hugs also. Hope you feel better once the meds are refilled.

thrice said...

Oh, hun, you give yourself such a hard time for things that "normal" people do ALL the time. I hope you have your meds. Will you let us know?

I used to JUST assume that my babies were dead, until I saw them on the US. I guess it was my way of dealing with, what if, cause I didn't have to what if, if they were dead. See, crazy silly.

Dream Writer said...

You are very hard on yourself. Hang in there...trust me when that belly of yours starts growing...your emotions will be so different :)

And when you hold that baby in your arms...it will be all worth it :)

Flicka Mawa said...

This sounds amazingly like some of my worst days/periods as well. I'm glad to have found your blog! (this is my first visit - I got here from Jenny F. Scientist)