So, I don't really know how to keep going. This is my first day back to class after being absent for the last week. To say that I am a vegetable may be overstating my ability to function. I tried to read up on the assignments so I would be ready for class, and it just wasn't happening for me. I just keep reading the same sentences over and over again. Honestly, I don't know how I am going to complete the semester.
I am stuck in grief. Last night, we went out to see David Sedaris do a reading at our local theater. Towards the end, he promoted a book about zombies, the living dead. Now that I think it over, I think that may be me, the living dead, a zombie. A lifeless but moving corpse that just wants to bite people's heads off. That's me.
It's a bit scary when I realize that I have zero desire to live or to be alive. I just want to fade to black, quietly, while no one is paying attention.
Updated as of 8ish this evening: I have been crying in that ugly way all day, but I am still here. Thanks to all of you, the husband, and the pups (even though they got into the garbage). Not going anywhere today, promise.
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After over five years of being heavily medicated for my bipolar illness, I am just crazy enough to go off the meds and try to conceive. With a whole team of professionals monitoring my progress and an amazingly compassionate husband to catch me when I fall, I am ready to start trying to get pregnant. This is my journey through the insane process...
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38 comments:
Time can't move fast enough to heal this pain. Thinking of you...
then we'll have to keep paying attention, won't we...
((((nicole)))
Yes, we will keep paying attention to you so you can't slip away.
Sending lots of hugs and prayers.
Here's another person paying attention and wanting you here.
Hugs.
I would notice.
I'm sending you my best wishes as you work through your grief.
*hug*
Yes, I'd notice.
Hugs. I'm praying for your healing.
All of us would notice and be very upset if we didn't see you! You are loved by many...you need to know that. This is a tough time...but we are all here for you!
Sending you a hug, and we would notice.
We all would notice. Honey, please find someone to talk to about this. Please.
((((((Nicole))))))
If you slipped away, I would notice TOTALLY! This is the time to pay extra special attention to yourself, and make sure your profs know what's up. This they can understand and feel sympathy for, really.
Please stay around, if you left the blogworld would be a sadder place for it.
I wish I knew you in real life! And despite the fact that I don't I still would notice if you faded away.
Well, too bad for you. There's no one on here who is going to stop paying attention. Sorry, but no slipping away into blackness on the Infertile 2007 watch.
Thinking of you and hoping you start to climb out of the hole soon.
I just want to fade to black, quietly, while no one is paying attention.
I've felt this so many times too. I've felt so much pain that I honestly couldn't comprehend how I could suffer so much and still be alive. Though I could feel my breath going in and out, it seemed as if I was already dead.
But this post worries me a little. Obviously, I don't know you at all, and maybe this is just hyperbole or metaphor, but if you are really feeling that you might hurt or kill yourself, please, please get help.
"stuck in grief" I felt like that before... it is a difficult place to be, but I assure you that it goes way eventually, or we learn to co exist with it. Either way I guarantee that you will fell better soon.
Take care my dear and keep on fighting
Hugs
Thinking of you....lots
Do what's best for you right now. If that means dropping out of a class, do so.
You're in my thoughts.
okay first of WE ARE PAYING attention - second can you withdraw for this semester take a break and start over next semester?
sending you lots of positive cyber vibes
breathe. start by going day to day. heartache lessens over time. you will get through this.
Nicole, you would be missed. You can't slip away unnoticed.
I don't know how law school works, but maybe you can get an extended deadline for some of your major assignments? I didn't always finish my work by the semester's end when things were going badly. I would pick one or two major assingments to put off, and that way I could focus on the rest of my work for the semester.
I felt the same way you did, just keep holding on, it's hard, but you'll make it. In the mean time sending you huge cyber ((hugs)).
we're all paying far too much attention for you to sneak around....
plus, zombies eat *brains.* Yuck!
You're only a week out. You're not long past the "comfortably numb" bit. You're not stuck in the grief, you're finding your way out, and it takes awhile.
and here's another person paying attention . . .we'll pay attention, and you do what you need to do in order to keep putting one foot in front of the other. you *can* get through this.
Oh, Nicole. We are definitely paying attention, sweetie. All of us here, we are all reading your blog first, we are just so sad for you, and worried, too. We can't make things better for you, but DAMN! We really want to.
Hi,
Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon. I've been down this road before, and two years later, it still hurts.
Peace and blessings.
I'M PAYING ATTENTION! Don't you go anywhere Nicole. I know how shit this is, and I felt dead inside for a long time but I promise you it does get better. It takes time, but a tiny bit every day adds up. I'm here for you, please look after yourself. Thinking of you my friend x
(((hugs)))
Here's another one to keep paying attention to you!
Yoohoo Nicole. Just checking in and paying attention! Even if it means bombarding your comment box. Haha!
I hope the ugly crying has been cathartic. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.
Hang in there my dear! Sometimes the ungly cry is the only kind that helps...
hugs
The ugly cry? That's what Oprah calls it. ;)
Crying is good.
We're all paying attention - no slipping away allowed! I hate to say it, but it sounds like you are on a fairly normal grief path. I certainly couldn't concentrate on anything a week after my m/c when I was back in work.
BUT, give yourself credit, you were in college, you had managed to get washed and dressed and get yourself there and then get yourself home again. Why not allow yourself to not concentrate in college for a week, but just get yourself there and back. The following week aim for a bit of concentration.
It won't feel like it but you are doing well.
For me it was 3 months before I felt 'normal' again - some people are much faster, others take longer. On week 2 the pain and loss is still so raw, but things will get easier. It's just a very hard road to tread.
One thing that helped me was that my consultant explained that with a miscarriage, you're not just grieving 8/9 weeks of life that has been lost but you are also grieving for the dreams and plans that every mum-to-be starts making for her family as soon as she knows she is pregnant. This really made sense to me and helped explain the intensity of grief - you are mourning so much.
You're strong though and you will get through this, and we're here to walk beside you if you need us. Take care.
Take care of yourself.
Your depression manifests in the same way that mine does. Try to remind yourself that your brain chemistry is unbalanced right now and that this state will pass, even if you don't believe it. Your mind is really cloudy right now, which is understandable. I agree with the other bloggers who suggest that you tell your profs what is going on...
Hang in there!!!
*hugs*
Time heals all wounds..it will take time that is for sure.
Thinking of you.
Just found you but I will start and keep paying attention. Nothing I've ever known hurts like losing a baby. It's an awful terrible horrible miserable ripping betrayal.
Be angry at well-meaning comments - I don't see why intent should COMPLETELY excuse harm caused. Be angry at the freaking whole world because right now it's being completely unfair to you.
But don't leave us.
I'm an academic, but I don't know your situation. Not sure if you're grad or undergrad, and I suppose it's actually too late to withdraw without special permission. But I urge you to forget the stupid assignments for now.
You're not stuck in grief, you've just arrived. Give yourself a break.
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