Monday, April 16, 2007

Pity Party in Progress-You may want to skip this post.

I had high hopes for today. The plan was to go to school, attend all 3 classes, do the readings, and participate in life itself. It was a nice plan. So for those of you who have just about had it with reading my pitiful whining, you may want to navigate away from this page. The weekend's hope and reason has since faded away into oblivion.

Coming through the breezeway, I was playing the theme from Rocky in my head. Battered and bruised, I was determined to come back to life. I made it through my first class this morning without shedding a single tear. As I exited the lecture hall, that's when it happened. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of a fellow l@w student who is about 6 months pregnant. And, like a grisly accident, I simply could not look away. I found myself staring at her belly. After a few moments of visual torture, I was on the verge of hysterical crying. My carrell is near the stacks, so I buried myself in the nearest hidden corner and sobbed. I did manage to get to my second class, but I still have no idea what we talked about in that lecture. Now, I have to figure out how to make it to 2:30 for the last lecture.

Here it comes, the whining (complete with all the overused phrases of self pity)...

Why me? Why not her? Why does every single thing in my life need to be so fucking hard? Let's review... In the beginning, I had a father with untreated Bipolar I. Under his rule, I was not permitted to wear pants, not allowed to cut my hair, and suffered enough beatings at his hand to make me the most fearful and yet devoted daddy's girl ever known. At 7 years old, my dear father died suddenly of a heart attack. No father for me. At 7 years old, I became a substitute parent for my 2, and later 3, younger sisters. At 7 years old, I assumed more adult roles than should ever be placed upon a child of that age. I cooked dinners, cleaned the house, helped with homework, and protected my sisters from my mother's frequent rages. No childhood for me. At 12 years old, my mother married my step-father. They had a child together...as if I didn't have enough to do. And to add to the fun, my step-father's OCD made my life a living hell. At 17 years old, I went off to college where I thought I could escape from my family. A year later, my mother sent my 15 year old sister to live with me because she couldn't handle her anymore. That lasted just long enough to obliterate my second year of college. At 24, I married a drug addict, because I'm an idiot. At 26, on April 1st no less, he announced he was in love with another woman and wanted a divorce. Around the same time, I was diagnosed with bipolar II. Somewhere in there, I made about 3 weak suicide attempts. I became a cutter, and have the disgusting scars to prove it. At 27, I was forced into bankruptcy by the debt left to me in the divorce and the mounting medical bills. At 32, I endured what I believe to be the first of many miscarriages. A few days later, I discover I contracted chlamydia from the first husband.

Now, in the big world, there are millions of people with a history much more tragic than mine. Even in the blogging world, there are worse tales. But somehow, this doesn't make me feel any better. I am so tired, beaten, bruised from this life. I am not smart enough to finish this horror called l@w school. I only got a Ph.Duh. because my advisor feels sorry for me. I am a sham, a failure, a loser. Because, in all of this badness, I have had good things. I went to college afterall. I remarried to the best husband ever.

But it's the loss that's killing me. No father, no Pooter, no credit, no future. I am really sorry for the pathetic tone of this post, and how ungrateful I sound. I feel frozen in my losses, as if Spring thaw will never come. Did I mention we got 5 inches of snow last night, and it's still falling? I am tired of crying.

38 comments:

Casey said...

(((Nicole)))

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

Adrienne said...

As someone told me recently, grief is not linear. It's two steps forward and one step back. Which sucks hard. And sometimes it's two steps forward and three steps back. Which sucks harder.

You have had a hard life, but you've also made more of your life than most people would have in your situation. You could have let the pity drown you, give you an excuse to not do anything with your life, but you did the opposite. You got a Ph.D. (I don't believe the Duh part, BTW) and now you're in law school. Jeebus, most people don't go past college and you have one EXTREMELY advanced degree and you're going for another!

But hold a pity party if you need to, you're certainly entitled. And then I know what you'll do next: you'll pick yourself up and try again. Because that's who you ARE. And that's awesome.

Nadine said...

Oh honey, my heart aches for you.

Hugs.

ultimatejourney said...

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. There's no question about it, you've definitely had a tough life, but look at everything you've accomplished! I fully understand the need for a pity party, but like Adrienne said be sure to pick yourself up afterward. I just know there's happiness in your future.

BTW, thanks for the mention yesterday. I really appreciate it.

Jason and Samantha said...

(hugs) I'm so sorry. I wish I had something that would take all the pain away!! (hugs, again)

megan said...

(((Nicole)))
i'm so sorry to hear that you are so down. you've endured more than most people would be able to endure -- and you've done more than endure, you've moved onward with your life -- and moved onward well....an advanced degree (which I'm sure was not granted because your advisor felt sorry for you...I think there are probably rules about that! :)) and now you're in law school, which you are certainly smart enough to conquer as well. you've so much on your plate right now -- it would be tough for anyone to handle. maybe you should consider giving yourself a bit of a break? take some time to heal without the added pressures of school. i don't know if that's possible for you or not though...i just hope that you find peace soon.

Sara said...

(((hugs))) don't beat yourself up, you are allowed to still feel sad (hell, i felt like making evil eyes at a probably perfectly nice random pregnant french lady at the fabric store the other day and we haven't even started the fertility treatments), i think its totally normal to feel that way. This will get better, and in the mean time you get to have as many pity parties as you need.

Carrie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Carrie said...

You're sad sweetie. Really so sad. Of course you are. Things have been so hard and you are slap bang in the middle of grieving. It's an ugly process no mistaking, but you're not an ugly person.
Give yourself time. It sounds like a cliche and I hope you aren't swearing at me right now. Sometimes you can't just plough on with life. Take some time to lick your wounds. The past won't change but you'll feel better equipped to cope.
Hope this sound the way I mean it xx

Sorry, I deleted my last post by mistake, I'm a newbie!

thirdtimelucky said...

Totally reasonable reaction I think.

I'm so sorry your feeling like this, hugs.
Caro

ps I'm stalking you too ;-)

thrice said...

Everyone needs a pity party once in a while.

Hopefully the sun will literally come out soon, and your mood will start to improve. Throw in a seasonal disorder?

When I was having trouble with secondary infertility, someone said something that seemed to help me. She said you will get pregnant, it will just take longer than you thought.

I hope that helps and you don't throw whatever you have handy at your computer screen right now. I hope :-)

DD said...

There are days that we all need to just "dump". We all should more often. Pity Parties are for the pitiful. I would never use that word in describing you. I would say you are strong, courageous, intelligent, witty, honest. Never pitiful.

Someone sent me an email recently, that said, "sometimes you need to hit bottom hard to get a good bounce up." (It sounded good at the time....hmmmm)

Not so little sister said...

((((NICOLE))))

Anonymous said...

you are not pitiful Weezer, in fact you are one of the storngets people I know. Most people who had been through what you have been through would be using it as an excuse for all their failures and laziness, Not you. You have completed Grad school, which I would never even get in to, and now you are in law school, which most people woould not get into. You are not a bad person, you are not homeless, you are not drug addict, etc... You are leaps and nounds ahead of most people with your history, just watch some talk shows if you do not believe me. Grief takes time, a cliche, but true. allow yourself the time, allow yourself to grieve, allow your anger. you can feel sorry for yourslef for all that you have gone through but do not feel sorry for yourself for feeling sorry for yourself. again, I make the offer for a change of scenery for you and husband. I understand you would not want to stay here with my family, but I make the offer of simple transportation to another place and scene, to have a break and to see fresh things including the sun and warmth. No need for repayment or guilt, all part of friendship.
love,
thelma

Emilija said...

Being bitter is everyone's right, although not always helpful. That said, it isn't always possible to change feeling that way. But when life gets better, and it will, your bitterness will go away. You are dealing with a loss, not on the meds you need to be, and going to school all at the same time. It's a lot. I admire you.

My Reality said...

I wish I knew "why you." Some people just have to deal with more shit than others. It isn't fair.

If I could come over and party with you, I would. You are in NY state, but how far are you from the US/Canada border?

Aurelia said...

Hey Reality, I've already invited Nicole to come up to see us! I'll share if you like?

Seriously could you pleae listen to all the pp? Adrienne was right, and so was everyone else. (And advisors do NOT give out PhDuhs out of pity, really)

Have a pity party for a little while but try not to go too far down. Let's think of a new way of viewing those preggos, hmm? Like an emergency plan? How about, let's pretend they are fat? Or that they have bizarre growths on their stomach?

Or if schaedenfreude is not a good place to be, maybe let's pretend that they have had terrible lives and that their pregnancy is a miracle....

Maybe rehearse it in your head so you can think of it quick when you see them next?

Sara said...

It's a sucky wet cold day and you've had a pretty sucky month. Grief comes and goes in waves, and its going to keep ebbing pretty far forward for awhile before it recedes a bit.

I know when you're in the place you are right now its hard for you to believe this, but you did earn your goddamned PHD, and you *can* kick lahskuhls *ass*.

infertilemertil said...

Well, shit. I can't change the way you are feeling right now. You have overcome so much and still haven't been given a break. I'd be pissed, too. You did make it throught 2 classes today. Let's see how you do for the remainder of this week and next. Give yourself some credit for getting through all that you have. I know you don't feel this way, but you are so strong! Continue to take things one day or one week at a time. Take care of yourself, take pictures, draw, write, etc. I wish we could take some of your hurt away.

BerryBird said...

(((((Nicole))))

I'm so, so sorry.

jane said...

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Remember, on top of everything else going on, and your past, you also have the fact that you are undoubtedly in a depressed mode right now. We both know that magnifies everything x's 100.
You cry until you cannot cry anymore & never ever make excuses for it!

CP said...

Grief is never ending. Whoever says Time Heals was, for lack of better term...full of shit. We grieve our losses forever in one form or another.

Pity parties are allowed to be thrown so long as you remember to clean up after they are over and the guests that haunt you are long gone.

CP.

Bumble said...

Oh Nicole, I'm sorry hun. You've had a hard life thats for sure. And the fact that you've come through it shows just how brave you really are (even if you don't feel it right now...). This too shall pass. It will get better, I promise. You're in my thoughts and prayers x

Jackie said...

Nicole: Have the pity party. We all suffer. We all have our own private hells we have to muddle through. You have been fucked over by many things out of your control, and you have proven resilient to past insults.
Your loss is unimaginable to me in the face of all else you have suffered. But something tells me that eventually that spring thaw will come and you will emerge from this experience with even a thicker skin. Getting to that point could take weeks or months. Lean on us your cyberfriends, lean on your husband, let those who care about you carry you and help you build your strength.
Sometimes to achieve our goals, we need to check out for a bit. You need to heal...can you consider a leave of absence? Someone at your school has to be sympathetic to your situation. Can you even consider it? I know that money must seem like an insurmountable obstacle (the credit card debt I accrued in grad school was astounding and terrifying), but isn't healing your mind and heart worth it?
By the way, I don't believe for a second that you got a PhD simply because your adviser took pity on you. What about your committee? But, I suppose if you insist...

Dino aka Katy said...

don't worry have as many pity parties as you need. you'll get better soon

Renee said...

wow! You have survived a lot of pretty hard stuff. You should be very proud of yourself. I am in awe of you for this and doing l@w school too.

I know it's really rough right now. You have every right to be upset and wondering why this should happen to you.

Mands said...

You've been through enough without still having to feel guilty about feeling upset with the way your life has gone. Give yourself a break. Be kind to yourself, after all, it seems that not many others have been.
There will be a silver lining soon enough, even if you can't see it yet through all the dark clouds - hang in there!

Sarah said...

I live in a perpetual world of pity party, so you do not seem over the top in any way!

Just because you aren't on the extreme furthest end of crappy things that can happen in one's lifetime (and you know of other's who have worse stories) doesn't mean that you haven't had really hard things happen to you. You have not walked a carefree head in the clouds path to today.

The only reason hearing other people's stories is helpful is if you can take comfort in knowing you are not alone... it shouldn't make you feel like you aren't entitled to be angry, sad, and grieving right now.

Many many hugs (for whatever they are worth).

Pattycake said...

I am learning that comparing myself to others is a dangerous place for me. Everyone else seems to have it easier, well for one thing, they at least have eyelashes. Everyone has their pain and demons. Don't worry about everyone else. Be kind to yourself. You are a good person, with a good heart. You get to start each day with that. You are a smart and strong person that has already overcome and acomplished so much. Right now we are both going through a sad and painful experience, things are just going to suck for awhile and then I believe (hope) they'll get better. Hang in there.

Baby Blues said...

I'm crashing in your pity party and bringing lots of hugs and laughters. I'm bringing red wine, chocolate, chips and all the small things that would put a smile on your face. We're going to get giddy and euphoric with happy thoughts. I brought the complete seasons of "Friends"! And I have my ipod with my "feel-good-songs" playlist. We'll sing like no one could hear us and dance like no one could see.

You are amazing and inspiring Nicole. And don't you forget it.

The Town Criers said...

Hey, sweetie. I just want you to know that I have this new invention under the bar. Let me just...get it out. Yes. It's a special inverted sunvisor. You can put it on under your eyes--it will catch all the tears so you don't dilute your drink (a Macallan 18--what the hell is that?). I call this invention No More Crying In Your Beer.

But, Nic, I think you're entitled to a good cry. You have had more than your share of shit. And it is okay to ask "what the fuck?" over everything.

I hope healing begins soon. And until then, I'm here to listen if you need to keep venting and get it all out before you can begin to feel like you can breathe again.

occasionalconfusion said...

Life is hard. And for some people it's even harder, no doubt. I hate it when I feel like that 'cause whatever anyone says it will not make me feel better. I keep repeating in my head what my mom told me once--" there's always someone who has it worst than you". Meaning that those ppl really do have a reason to feel down and that maybe I should start looking at things differently. Maybe it wasn't the best consolation thing to say but it has helped me through when I feel crappy and very down.

I hope you feel better today and if you ever need someone to "chat" with let me know. I'm online at work...that's how busy I get LOL

Becks said...

You sound like a fighter Nicole, so please don't give up. Life sucks sometimes, in fact most of the time, and its so hard to get your strength back. You have a fabulous husband who I am sure will look after you and get you on the right road again. You also have us. Hugs x

Tam said...

Oh Nicole, I can just weep for you, your story is so sad and I am deeply sorry that you've had to endure all this. I'll keep you in my prayers and hope that life changes for you, we can only hope that things will get better. Hugs sweetie.

Sara said...

I wish I knew why some people have to suffer more than others. I'm not satisfied by anything anyone's ever said except, "I don't know" about that, and it sucks.

Congratulations on making it through your first class today, seriously. I haven't stepped foot back in my academic department since, and I'm not sure I will until the day I defend (don't really have a need to though like classes anymore).

You feel like an impostor? So do I. You feel like at any moment someone's going to finally figure out that that you're actually not as smart as people say you are, and every thing's going to fall out from under you? That's what abusers do to us.

I'm late commenting on this, but I hope you're feeling a bit better today.

Jenny F. Scientist said...

Those are some tough knocks, no question about it.

Please don't believe you have no future! You have a husband who loves you, and a smashing intellect, and I'm sure you're witty to boot. I know you may feel like you don't have one- heaven forbid I should tell *anyone* how to feel- but know that you have friends who believe in you and your future.

hope548 said...

You have been through the ringer my friend. I'm truly amazed at the amount of shit you have been through and sorry that you had to miss out on childhood. I'm also amazed at what you've managed to make out of it. You have more strength than you know. I'm sorry for the difficult day you had!

marlena rivers said...

i will add my voice of sorry you're experiencing this horrible pain and suffering to the others. my heart goes out to you. i think it is unfortunately true that when you experience a new loss, your miscarriage, it brings up all the old losses and adds to that pain immeasurably, which is truly hard to bear. you are not a failure in any way. besides being a survivor you are a strong capable person who has many talents and abilities. right now you are faced with difficult emotional challenges that simply make it a victory to get through each hour. it sounds silly, but it's a great victory that you managed to absorb anything from even one class today and that you wrote this post and expressed your feelings.