Saturday, April 14, 2007

Openly Miscarried

Updated to add: Because I know how healing your support is when there is an open wound, I want to encourage you all to head over to Ultimate Journey's blog and offer her the type of healing for which you are all so famous.

Husband phoned an old friend of his today. Old Friend announced that his wife was 5 months pregnant. Husband responded by telling him that we were pregnant for a bit, and now we're not. Old friend was quick to reveal that his wife had miscarried at around 11 weeks with the last pregnancy. The sad part is that their previous tragedy gave me the space to be happy for them in this pregnancy. It's incredible how bitter I have become.

However, her story and the success stories of so many others that have gone through this type of loss give me hope that I would not otherwise have. If we didn't talk openly about our loss, then others would never have been so forthcoming about their own losses. And so despite my vulnerability and sensitivity to all the asshats' comments, I continue to be open about Pooter. The good from telling my story weighs a lot more in the end than all the lame statements from people like my sister-in-law. I must speak, because silence just brings more suffering. Needless suffering.

So you may ask, well what about the not-yet successful stories? How does that help? Well, it tells me that survival is possible. Life is still out there waiting for me to rejoin regardless of my baby quest. I need to hear that more than anything.

Thus, to begin my forward march, I wonder when my cycle will resume it's normally scheduled programming. It feels so weird to have no idea where I am in the big fertile scheme of things. This month's crotch watch data has been decidedly inconclusive. One day's data point indicated a possible ovulation, but really who the hell knows. I have my D&C follow-up appointment next Friday. Doesn't 4 weeks seem like a long time? I still wonder whether my HCG has gone down to nil. It's the not knowing that I find so frustrating. When should I expect AF, anyway?

28 comments:

Colette said...

Nicole...I am so glad to hear that you are feeling a little better. My heart breaks for you...because I see me 4 years ago in you. I know it hurts and it will always hurt...but you have a wonderful future ahead of you. In order to suvive we must talk about our pain...you can't deal with it all alone...I am always here for you! Remember in Spetember...We will be in the finger lakes...so you can either have a glas of wine or we will have Grape Juice at one of the wineries! Hugs!

Renee said...

I am glad to hear that you are feeling better too. I'm sorry there have been issues to deal with.
I don't know about the AF stuff, make sure to bugg everyone at the Doc office to get an answer.

You're much stronger than you know.

tipsymarie said...

AF should start about the time your hcg hits zero. You can't have a true cycle until then because your body is still "pregnant". Mine took 4 weeks to reach zero, so when you have your follow up be sure to ask for them to check your beta. Since I see an RE, they are a little more (ok, a lot more) proactive about checking things like that than a regular OB/GYN. Here's hoping it's at 0 next week. Once it is, then you can resume your regularly scheduled crotch watching.

Jason and Samantha said...

I'm also glad to har you are feeling a bit better. I wish you didn't have to go thru with it at all.

I can understand what you are saying about not being happy for someone who is pregnant, unless they have had crap to deal with too. I know it sounds mean, but that's just how I feel.

Baby Blues said...

I hate being bitter about other people's pregnancy too. This is what IF had turned me into, a bitter angry person.
Glad you're feeling better.

Anns said...

Openess with my m/c really helped me get through it as well, to me hiding made things more difficult. My AF returned about 5 weeks after my m/c (I didn't have the D+C, I did the vag pills). Either way I'm sure you're not too far away.

Continue being strong, you'll get through this.

Anns xo

My Reality said...

Survival IS possible.

I have no idea what to tell you about AF, because I have had a seemingly normal period and my HCG is still rising.

Hopefully, your cycle will sort itself out soon.

Patience said...

My AF stayed away for about 6 weeks or so after my last 2 d&c's, but I did bleed (albeit lightly) for a couple of weeks after the procedures.

Like you- I take heart from the survival stories, that life goes on. Until I got an email from a lady last week who wanted to write because I AM a survival story! I'd never have put myself in that category- but I suppose I'm better off getting up each day and getting on with my life that the alternatives...

smooches xxx

Adrienne said...

It's not bitterness, it's human-ness. And I'm glad you're feeling a bit better.

When all things fertility get back in synch is different for everyone. After my first D+C, it took about 45+ days to see AF again. It's very much dependent on when the last bit of HCG leaves your system.

Good luck with your follow-up.

Marie-Baguette said...

I am so glad you sound better. It is great that you share your experience. Because people rarely talk about miscarriages, people don't know how to comfort someone who had one. Thinking of you

megan said...

i'm wishing for a zero beta for you soon! i also want to echo what Adrienne said -- it's totally human to feel that way about your Husband's friend. it brings some common ground between the two of you and maybe can give you some hope.

Sara said...

Alright, alright, I'll talk about my pregnancy, for however long it lasts. Four weeks doesn't seem like a long time at all. I didn't have a D&C with the miscarriage, but it took about 5 weeks after I started bleeding, 6 weeks after the miscarriage diagnosis, for me to get a period.

Aurelia said...

I can't speak based on my experiences because I'm the multiple D&C woman. Like 3 every time I had a miscarriage...although I have heard that ovulation is possible very early after a miscarriage. As is a "normal" AF. It just depends on your individual body chemistry. You could just POAS with a PG test to see if there are any remnants of HCG left in your system?

I think it's more important to worry about the infection being gone, like COMPLETELY gone, and your body back on a good nutritional/mental footing before you try again.

Christina said...

grieving is painfully slow process. but it sounds like your getting there...getting closer to a sense of peace.

knowing that someone has gone through what you've gone throuh..and that making you like them more...and be more invested in their happiness (i.e. pregnancy) doesn't make you bitter. do you think that knowing she knows what you've gone thru will make her understand you more and sort of forms a sisterhood?

The Road Less Travelled said...

I totally get the bitterness part, I was thinking back to my forced attendance at church and remembered there are a few women in the bible that were very bitter about not being able to have a child. So it ain't new, and we don't need to beat ourselves up about feeling that way. I think that feeling is only natural and very human. The success stories give me hope as well, and from my own experience I know you survive but it's a long process of stops and starts. Being able to talk about it was great, and most of my abitly to do that came from on line, because most people just want you to get over it quickly. I compare my mc to a wound, it hurts like hell at first, then it stings as you're healing, and although you eventually heal, there's still the scar to remind you. The only difference is, our scars you can't see. I think there are two aspects of myself now. The one before mc, and the one after. The one after is definately different, she's a little more sensitive and impatient with dumb comments and she's also a lot stronger. So keep holding on, you'll find your way through this.

Dianne/Flutter said...

Continuously have been praying for your healing (and your husband's). Sending you a hug - because there is so much I don't know about "what" happens know phase - but I want you to know I am thinking of you.

Carrie said...

I was six weeks. It seemed a long, long six weeks.

I feel the same too about those who go on to be pregnant after a loss or a struggle with infertility. It encourages me to keeping looking forward. The flip side, of course, is my lack of happiness (maybe even resentment) for those who fall pregnant easily. Now that doesn't make me feel good about myself.

niobe said...

Sadly, I'm not sure if even someone's previous loss would be enough for me not to have at least mixed feelings about her pregnancy.

thrice said...

I believe in out-of-the-closet mode. In-the-closet-mode just sets me up for shame, isolation and confusion.

Molecular Turtle said...

I am happy to hear your feeling better. Writing has a way of helping get out a lot of the hurt.

Maggs said...

you know, i didn't miscarry. but god i remember the watching for every single body sign imaginable that ovulation or pregnancy was approaching. all the pregnancy tests. all the ovulation tests.

i feel for you, i really do.

Cibele said...

Hi Nicole, being open also helped me to heal the pain of my loss. When people ask me when we will have a baby I also respond frankly: we have been trying for a while already. Some people get so embarrassed and leave, others share their histories, others just give me a hug... I am very happy to see that you are feeling a little better
hugs my dear

Sara said...

I was charting after my D&C. It took about a week for my temp to go below the coverline, but after that it was pretty much a normal cycle -- ie - if you treated the day my temp went below cover as CD1, I ovulated about the usual day. The luteal phase was significantly shorter that cycle, though, such that if we'd been trying, probablynothing would have been able to stick anyway.

Bumble said...

Hey you. I got AF about 29 days after my miscarriage (pretty much a normal cycle), but it was a bit earlier than yours. I was only 5 weeks along, so it may take a bit longer? Hope youre okay. x

marlena rivers said...

someone's comment reminded me about how the pregnancy hormones stay in you which also contributes to difficult moods. i remember that from after my abortion... hang in there. the not knowing and uncertainty always seem to be what's most difficult with not just dealing with the loss and pain your dealing with but everything that's difficult in life seems like that! it makes it hard to just be in the moment, i find... although being in the moment is the only way to deal with the uncertainty! what a catch 22!

Amanda said...

((((((((nicole)))))))))

I'm so glad that you are so open about Pooter even though it means having to deal with clueless folks.

Hopefully it at least will teach them to be more sensitive in the future.

Dino aka Katy said...

I am pretty sure I told you before but the people I know that recently had a child ALL miscarried the pregnancy right before that. SO be hopeful it will happen. Glad to hear that you are doing great.

Not so little sister said...

Glad you're starting to feel hopeful again. It's good to read that in your post. I know nothing about anything so I'll just give you a hug.

((((NICOLE))))