Just a quick update to let you know that I finally got my HCG results, after 4 phone calls to my doctor. It's 8.0. I am pretty upset at this whole process and feel continuously insulted by my body. I want a period or a pregnancy, everything else can go fuck itself. I just want to cry, I am getting nowhere with all of this.
I will be absent for at least 24 hours, because I have a final tomorrow. So I need to study and forget this whole procreation thing. Actually, both studying and procreation send me into sadness. It's entirely possible that I will fail at both.
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After over five years of being heavily medicated for my bipolar illness, I am just crazy enough to go off the meds and try to conceive. With a whole team of professionals monitoring my progress and an amazingly compassionate husband to catch me when I fall, I am ready to start trying to get pregnant. This is my journey through the insane process...
Pepper in the pond.
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- Nicole
- Crazyville, New York State, United States
- 30-something, over-educated, and bipolar crazy woman with a bicornuate uterus and a baby...Who'd a thunk it?
Back off man, I'm a scientist
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31 comments:
Oh Nicole, I'm so sorry you're still in limbo land. Hopefully it just means that it's finally on its way down and that AF will be here really soon so you can get your body back on track. Good luck with your final - I'm sure you will do great - at least studying will take your mind off all the other crap, right? Hang in there.
Ok...I am going to talk tough now...yell at me if you must! I am saying this from the bottom of my heart because I love you! SNAP OUT OF IT GIRL!!! : ) That is coming from someone who has been in your shoes and has been in your state of mind. I would have been totally pissed if someone said that to me...it usually takes 4-6 weeks to get your AF after a D/C. So you are on track. I know you are so much like me...I want a baby now and so do you...but somethings we are not in control of and this is one of those things. You are almost there 8.0 is at the end...maybe by the end of the week...remember 4-6 weeks...onceyou get to 6 weeks then freak out all you want. Your body feels your negative thoughts...I know it is so hard to be positive right now...it is very stressful and I wish I could wiggle my nose for you and make it all go away...wiggle...wiggle...wiggle...I am trying! I love you honey and things will get better! They will I promise! You have such a strong support group around you and thinking of you all the time...it just amazes me. I wish I had that support group when I had my M/C's. Hugs and so many Blessings! PS--- Jeff and I are going to go to the wineries in June...i will let you know the dates...let's plan on getting together! Hugs!
Sorry about the funk.
Do you get a follow up hcg test?
Good luck with the final. Sometimes it helps to have something else to concentrate on.
Blah. That sucks. But 8 is low - not below 5 yet I know. I had a 5 in the middle of my first period after my m/c, so don't despair yet. Waiting this out sucks, I know.
Good luck with the final.
Being in between cycles is one of the worst parts. Especially when the rest of your life continues on. Good luck on your final and I hope AF comes soon. How often do you hear someone say that?!
Oh crap, well keep studying and I really hope things get back on track quickly.
Sending you big hugs!
It's funny but no one monitored my levels after my 1st m/c --- and so far no one's said anything about it this time around either. Which makes me think that maybe I was better off that way, sometimes ignorance truly IS bliss. I will say that my period took about 6 weeks to come back after my 1st m/c so hang in there, it'll be back soon. Sorry you are living in limbo.
xo Anns
sorry to hear that things still feel so uncertain. i hope AF is packing her backs for a visit -- and that she arrives SOON. best of luck to you on your exam.
Just do the best you can, hun. Sending good thoughts your way. And hugs.
I'm sorry Nicole... I know you just want an end to this now, and so I hope AF arrives soon, so that you can move forward. As always, we're here for you. Good luck for the test xxx
(((Nicole)))
Good luck on the final. I, too have faith you will do well. The good thing about finals is that the semester is almost over.
It took over a month for me to test under 8. It sucks but sometimes your body is just slow. Not much help I know. Good luck on your test.
If it makes you feel better, my clinic considers anything under ten to be negative.
Just round down.
Gawd, it's painful just how much these things drag out....
Good luck with your final x
(((Nicole!)))
I know that things feel overwhelming right now. Just do your best with studying - don't expect or strive for perfection - and it will be fine. Really.
And 8 is better than it could be, right? At least your body is getting closer to where it needs to be.
oh lord that sucks. i hope this limbo is over for you soon. good luck on the final!
okay waiting sucks I agree but try to focus on something else it will make the time go by faster. SO concentrate on school and then after that find something else to emerge yourself in - I call it work therapy it really helps to shorten the waiting time
Hey Nics, hope you feeling better soon sweetie. Hope that number comes down real quick and that old hag arrives and you can get out of this limbo state. Thinking of you always...Hugs xxx
hey there nicole...I'm sorry that you are feeling like a bag of shit but at this point I have to give you a kick in the butt...time to close this chapter and move on...I agree with colette...snap out of it!!!
so if your gonna yell at her you might as well yell at me.
we are only thinking of you and we are trying to help you move on...it's time...
may be you and hubby could sneak away for a night or two and do something fun...I'm sure he could use a change with you.
keep tryin it will get better...yea yea I know everyone says that blah, blah, blah...
(((HUG))) (((HUG)))
I hope your Aunty Flo will come by soon.
((((((nicole))))))
I'm sorry. It's hard that have this hanging over you as well as everything else. I hope it resolves itself shortly.
oh, jeez louise. good grief, how much does the *#!$## expect you to take!?!?!?!?
dear universe,
step the fvck off. you've put ms.nicole through too much and she needs a freakin' break. seriously. can't you go pick on someone else? like a five foot arab in the pakastani desert dragging a dialysis machine?!?!?
love,
the oneliner
well contrary to some commenters here, I think it's perfectly okay to take as much time as you need to get through this. I mean really, who is to say you have 2 weeks to get over something? We are all different people we all face things differently and we are all entitled to take as long as we want to when dealing with a loss!
That said, I'm glad to see you commenting on my blog. And it's a good thing that they make automatic transmissions...they make the world a better place.
Nicole -
This is a very trying time for you, and although I haven't been through it, I can only imagine how horrible it must be. It would take me a VERY LONG TIME to get back to what I call just "being okay".
You use your blog to vent....you know what I say? (And now several of your posters will hate me, but I could give a flip less). F them for telling you how and what to feel (but almost all of your comments were pretty postive). You feel what you feel, and you can't change that, and I think it's part of the natural, normal process of what you've been and are going through.
You'll get through this...your feelings are temporary and will fade over time (I promise!), and one day, you'll be pregnant and ecstatic once again! :-)
I'm cheering for you, Nicole! And giving you a hug at the same time...(big hug)
Sometimes it takes a huge amount of courage just to get out of bed in the morning, and you're doing so much better than a lot of people would be!
Being in limbo just sucks ass. I'm sorry!! (((hugs)))
Good Luck with your final!! (thoughts and prayers)
You have every right to feel the way you do - just don't let it take over to the point where it will put you into a deep depression or a high mania. :)
What are you going to school for? I know you mentioned "Legal," but is it Paralegal, Lawyer?
I went to college for Paralegal... I loved it! I LOVED studying law...if you need help drop me an email:)
I am so sorry Nicole. I have picked up from the other commentors that this is normal - it is a bit if a cruel joke though isn't it? Thinking of you and hoping you start to feel happy and positive again soon.
I know you know this, but being so stressed and upset won't make it go away, or help things. Try to breathe out and just let it be.
There isn't much to say except that one day you will feel just a little better and so it will carry on. You are very brave and strong as far as I can tell. Keep your chin up, we're all here for you!
(o)
And I have posted before... :) It's just that you get sooo many comments, I probably got lost in them all!!
It took 6 weeks to the day for me to get my period after my D&C.
But 8 is low... you should be down to zero soon and then you can go for another ride on the fucked up IF roller coaster.
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