Monday, April 9, 2007

Missions of Mercy (updated to an annoying degree)

Before you read the following, please note that I am not actually complaining about blogging comments, except for the one that I mention in the post. The asshat derived comments I am referring to are NOT from blogland. These are asshats that I talk to every day in my non-virtual life. So, please don't read into this post, I am not at all upset with any of my regular readers (ashmc2, you can go ahead and assume I am not all that impressed with your comment though).

The former version of this post has been removed. For those who did read it and those who commented, please don't be concerned. It will be OK.


The old version was a mistake. I shouldn't post such a thing, and when I went back to read it, it made me sick. I am too vulnerable and unstable to read any comments to such a disgusting post which actually reveals a little too much of how angry and ugly I have become. I apologize. Nothing to see here, please move along and pay no attention to the woman behind the curtain.

update 4/10/07: Now that I have made such an issue of the removed post, I feel like I am hiding from the bloggies, and I never want to hide from you all. Here is the most painful part of the post that I took down so that you can all understand why I find myself so ugly right now. As you can see I am really struggling.

All in all, it went OK. I promised myself not to discuss the miscarriage with the in-laws, mainly because I knew whatever they would say during such a discussion would damn them to hell in my mind. And, well, I was right. I talked about the death of Pooter. It sucked. Husband's sister, a 30-something single woman, couldn't help but throw in the two people she knew who had miscarried. Repeatedly, she told me that they were "very common, you know, like, no big deal." Then she proceeded to tell me how everyone she knows who has miscarried had no problem staying pregnant later. Clearly we are in different social circles. Few things make me angrier than when someone tries to either tell me why a bad thing isn't really that bad or why my grief isn't valid because it's so common.

And at the risk of losing every single reader I have, I will say this one thing to preempt a particular comment. I am perfectly aware of the fact that people are well meaning when they make comments (specifically check out the one from ASHMC2) about the miscarriage. I am well aware of the fact that they were just trying to help. I am completely aware of the fact that they don't know what to say. I know all of this, really I do. And, guess what? That doesn't make me feel any better. One person who does get to "feel better" for having said something is the insensitive asshat who convinced themselves that their words of wisdom would wipe away the pain. Not to ruin SIL's mission of mercy or anything, but I am glad that someone is feeling better, even though it's definitely not me. Looks like she wins either way. Nice.

As an attempt at something positive from this mangled post, I will add the following link. "Helping someone after a miscarriage" It's a lovely compilation of do's, don'ts, and not to say's to a person who has miscarried. Any New Zealander's out there? That's one country that seems to actually get it.

28 comments:

jane said...

Okay, if what I say pisses you off, feel free to tell me to fuck off, I will understand 100%.
1 thing stood out & I'm wondering if what you are hearing when anyone relates a story to you is, "why my grief isn't valid because it's so common." <--- Is that what you're hearing inside?
If so, from all of the comments I've read, I haven't gotten that feeling from any of them.

People can't heal other people, we can only offer some lame words to try & express how much we care & wish you were not having this experience.

You've got a lot of people that care about you. While you may feel alone, we're all hugging you...cyberly (if that's a word)

love ya sweetie

ultimatejourney said...

I'm sorry you were able to drink a Mimosa for Easter. I'm sorry that people don't know the right thing to say after your loss. I'm sorry that all I have to offer are these lousy apologies. Just know that I care and I'm thinking of you.

Aurelia said...

Well, hmm, I think I was a good tactic to use with the MIL. Probably headed off more issues, but eeeek the SIL? Yah, not a superstar...

I do understand the foot-in-mouth commenters though. I'm really good at saying lame stuff, and feel awful every single time. But only afterwards, as the true meaning of my awfulness sinks in.

I'm glad you spoke to them about Pooter though. They just might be kinder in the future?

Here's hoping!

Cate said...

Didn't read the original post just delurking to say that I don't know what to say but I hope you are okay.

Jackie said...

Hey there, Nicole, I didn't catch the post, but I'm here to give you a virtual squeeze. I won't give you any assvice today, just say that I hope you can avoid any proverbial potholes in the road ahead.

Sarah said...

Sorry you felt like you had to take down a post...

I hope my thoughts on any similarity between your feelings and my experience with grief doesn't sound like I'm invalidating your feelings... My intention is just to let you know that you make sense and you are not alone.

So far my experience with grief is that it comes in waves, is totally unpredictable, it rips apart your life, it changes how you see everything around you, and that others can sympathize but they will never really know how you feel. No one can tell you how to feel, or that your feelings are wrong.

Many hugs... and feel free to yell at me if you need to...

Renee said...

sorry I missed the first post...looked like it was a doozie.

Ya know we love you enough to take whatever you have to say.

Casey said...

I read the first post. I'm sorry you felt you had to take it down, but I completely understand the panic that comes when you feel you've revealed too much. Hang in there, Nicole.

Dino aka Katy said...

don't worry about posting "bad" posts because there is no such thing. Sometimes writing things down helps just saying it out loud so post whatever you like we'll be here to support you

Pattycake said...

Sorry I missed the post. I hope you are feeling better today.

Not so little sister said...

(((Nicole)))

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

You may get angry at me for my comments but in the hope that it helps you to feel less alone and provides maybe a glint of insight, I wrote it anyway.

I think your anger at nearly everyone right now is a normal reaction to feeling so out of control: the inability to sustain the pregnancy, the knowledge that you need meds to stay in a good psychological space (I know this one from experience), the need for people to validate your experience and your pain (this one I know, too).

I really feel that you are not giving yourself enough credit in surviving this miscarriage without meds. Your ability to see through your pain and anger is compromised by chemical imbalances. So, please don't call yourself ugly and hateful and all that stuff. You are struggling with an illness while dealing with a miscarriage. My ex was bipolar (a rapid cycler, we believe - she never stuck out medical care long enough to get a comprehensive diagnosis) and she struggled to deal with every up and down in life and her angry words about herself were so much like your own.

You are dealing with something major right now: the loss of a loved one that you have worked so hard to create. Try to be kind to yourself. You deserve it AND you wil be surprised by how much kinder you may feel towards others.

Sara said...

It's not just that you and SIL are in different social circles - its that chances are good most of her friends who have miscarried or struggled to get pregnant haven't told her. Why? Because she's an insensitive asshat.

I'm sorry.

carrie said...

Nicole, no words, really. I didn't read your original post, but I understand your reasons for taking it down. It's awful to feel ugly inside.

Someday (soon, I hope), things are going to get better and you are going to feel better. Maybe not tomorrow. But you will get there. I promise.

So write away all you want. Maybe it will speed up the getting there. Or maybe it will just clear out your head a little. We'll read each and every word, nonjudgementally. Hang in there.

Dream Writer said...

I truly think people do mean well and I think it is easier for a lot of people to say how they feel through a computer screen, ya know? There really isn't confrontation.

Plus you cannot always hear the tone of someone's voice or the look in their face - a lot of people are sincere, I believe :)

Thinking about you...

Colette said...

No words for youjust many hugs! I too have a SIL who is an ASSHAT! her comments to me are when her two boys are acting like 2 little boys..."oh you want one? " YES you JACKASS I DO! That is why we are doing what we are doing! Man I hope we adopt a girl...opps was that out loud!? She what she does to me...just thinking about her makes me madder then H*ll! Hugs and Blessings...i am here for you! ((((((HUGS))))))

Christina said...

its your blog. post what you want when you want. its not supposed to be pretty.
right or wrong...that comment would have annoyed me too.

Jason and Samantha said...

I did not read your previous post, but I am sure wouldn't take offense, in fact I would learn what NOT to say to someone.

I know I've hurt people by what I've said.. because they thought they were doing something right. It's a learning process for us and them!!

(hugs)

marlena rivers said...

hi. great post. and great link which really gives clear directions for the rest of us to be more sensitive. your emotions make a lot of sense for where you are right now. it's good to see you express your anger.
hang in there. big hug.

the waiting line said...

holy sh*t there's a lot of stupidity going around. this is your g*ddamn blog - so if you feel like venting about several asshat (albeit well-intentioned but still asshat) comments then SO BE IT!! jeesh!

no need to apologize for your feelings or how you express them. I'm behind you - leave the post up, take it down, do whateva you need to do.

take care & thinking of you.

Aurelia said...

Nicole,

Please don't call yourself bad words, it makes me cry for you. You have every right to say whatever you want on your blog, and feel it to. And quite often, yes, people are going to say buttheaded things, both IRL and maybe in blog land.

WE have to ignore them, and hey, I'm glad you put this back up. Now, I understand the comment you left me today!

So if you expect me to tell the real truth about my feelings and my life, then you have to as well, okay?

No bad words allowed....

infertilemertil said...

Wow. I can't believe how pissed off I can become for someone I've never met in person. It is your blog. If people have a problem with it, don't read it! Don't comment! I read your original blog. It was honest. It was to the point. They were your feelings at the time. I know for myself that it is hard to hear things like "Don't take things so personally," when you don't know how else to take them. However, I truly believe that you have an amazing support base here. It is obvious through reading these replies that there are a lot of people who care about what you are going through. We may not fully understand, but we care.

Bumble said...

Don't degrade yourself Nicole, you are a wonderful, beautiful, caring, special person and you're just going through a really difficult time. Miscarriage is devastating, its okay to feel all the things you're feeling right now. You'll feel better one day at a time, but right now you cope any way you can. I'm thinking of you okay. xxx

BerryBird said...

I fall squarely in the camp of not knowing what to say myself. But even I know your SIL is an assmarmot. And, I'm glad you put the post back up, because I was away from the computer all weekend, and I would've been sad to miss an update, no matter how much anger it contained. I promise I really do care, Nicole. I'm sending big hugs your way.

Carey said...

Well damn, I didn't see the original post. I'm sorry you got crap from it and felt the need to take it down. I'm also sorry that you had to become part of one of the shittiest clubs in town (the m/c club). As a couple, we've gone through 3 of them and damn, they suck. People never know what to say and usually they end up saying something stupid. Why can't they just say "I'm sorry... if you want to talk about it or just cry about it, I'm here for you"??? Hang in there... do what you need to do to get through it. It's hard, I know.

Tink said...

Again, although I may not completely understand what you're going through, I can empathize. I've lost my father which isn't quite the same... but in the same ocean at least.

I've been a biotch lately and it isn't at all my normal self. And knowing that was peeing me off even more. Anger. Dirty, down right anger. Not at his passing, not at him or anythig to do with that situation but anger in general.

Many people have told me that anger is one of the many steps or phases of grieving. I'm sure they're right in some aspect but at the same time still don't want to acknowledge that.

So you know, I completely understand and want to share some words my father used to remind a lot of people of where true hope lies. Something simple and plain but here it goes: "And this too shall pass." It will, in your own time.

My thoughts and prayers are with you!

ASHMC2 said...

I sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you.

Sara said...

I found that same site after my miscarriage. I'm sorry, and even though I've been through loss, I have no words of wisdom about how, when, where you'll feel better.

I'm also, ungrateful person that I am, convinced that people are culpable for anything they say that hurts, no matter how well meaning. And I'd hope anyone I said anything stupid to would tell me, and that I'd be kind enough to just listen without being defensive.