The Crossroads

I have been here before, at the crossroads. Trying to decide which way to go. The choices are tough and nothing is clear or distinct. I need to make sure that my next big decision is derived from courage, not desperation. Here's the deal...

The running theme in my life is that I really want to help people. Every choice I have made in my career has been with that in mind. First, I wanted to be an oncologist, but decided that I hated doctors and wanted no part of their world. Then, I thought plant pathology, so I could help farmers make the right choices for their crops. Turns out if you are in that field, you work more with fungus than with plants or even farmers. Damn it. I was told that I have a talent for science. So I tried to stay within that area because of other people and what they thought I was good at. My dissertation project in grad school had a downstream environmental application, so I figured I could "make a difference" that way. At the time, I didn't quite realize how very far downstream the difference would be. In basic research, you just don't see your work make a significant impact on the world at large in your lifetime, usually (there are notable exceptions of course). And I never got any thrill at all from my success in science. Publishing papers, getting grants funded, being a recognized expert in the field--none of that did a thing for me. I still came home feeling useless at the end of the day.

I left science behind with the hope that I could apply it in the practice of law. I thought about the money and the power I could have being a p@t.ent att0rn.ey. A part of me thought that money would make it all worth it. In science there is no money. I didn't want money for a big house or lots of toys, I wanted to make money so I could give it away. My dream is to start a trust for grad students in need of financial assistance for medical issues. I received a small amount from the grad school to help offset the cost of therapy (it was not covered by my student health insurance unless I saw one of the idiots at the health center). I wanted to give back. I wanted to help others who found themselves in need, like I once was. A bit corny I will admit, but I am serious about this. I thought being able to give would make it all worth it.

Not getting that summer job blew this whole plan out of the water. It's clear that I am not going to be a high powered woman in the la world. Now, I am second guessing all of it. All of my past choices are clearly based on my desire to make a positive impact, to help those who need it, to point others in the right direction, to fight the good fight for someone who has no more energy to do it themselves. Let's face it, if I became a big player, I would still be making an impact from an arm's length away. Will that be enough? Experience says no.

Then it hit me. Disability l@w. Interesting, albeit frustrating, work that would allow me to help someone, even if its one person at a time. I can tell this may be worth looking into, because I get a little hop in my step just thinking about it. So I ran this by my blind l@w stoodent friend, A. A thought this was an awesome plan and then she gave me the greatest of compliments. She told me that I would be great working in this field. She told me that my personality is well suited to the type of clients I would manage, and that I am good at relating to people who are struggling. I do my best when I am advocating for someone else. I fight harder than I ever would for just myself. For her to tell me this, as a person with a disability, was HUGE for me.

Now, here's the really hard part--walking away, for real this time, from science. Am I exploring this option out of desperation or courage? This is going to take some time and some deep thought. Bring out the wine, it's time to do some thinkin'.