It can always get worse.

I wish that I could say this post is more upbeat than the last, but that would be an enormous lie, so I won't even bother. My mood is dangerously low at the moment, and I am aching with self defeating circular thoughts. I really want to be funny, but I am not even close today.

As I mentioned yesterday, I went in to have my urine checked for bad guys. To my great dismay, I produced the healthiest urine they had ever seen. A lovely light yellow (due to my 3L water consumption per day), totally clear, and not a bad guy in the bunch. Damnit. The diagnosis: Interstitial Cystitis. It's tantamount to telling me that I have dermatitis, which only means itchy skin and really doesn't tell you much of anything. I fit the profile perfectly, and now I have to find a urologist who works with women. None in tiny town, so I may have to go to the big city. Dr. G00.gle had a lot of info on the topic, but none of it is very encouraging.

Here's the treatment options. There's some weird drug they put you on for 6 months, which helps about 40% of the afflicted. An alternative is to have DMSO (dimethylsulfoxide) injected into my bladder once a week for an indefinite period. No fucking way! I use DMSO in protein extractions and other scary science protocols. I have to use the stuff in a fume hood. Thus, there is no way I am putting it anywhere near my cooter. Forget it. Or, I can have the pleasure of an electrical device inserted into my vagina to send electric current through my pelvis. Not exactly the electric wand I prefer. I prefer good vibrations, not electric shock therapy on my cooter. And then there's the diet option which eliminates things like aged cheese, coffee, tea, chocolate, citrus, cranberry (that explains why drinking cranberry juice only seemed to make things worse), tomatoes, onions, Chinese food, Mexican food, spicy food, wine, any alcohol, and even tofu. I am not sure that it will be worth going on living without these foods. In fact, I am pretty sure it's not worth it.

Then there's my stress. Stress only seems to make it worse. I think that's why it's particularly bad right now. Last night, I had a total breakdown. It's all just too much, way too much. The predominant thought in my head is that "I am bad". From my disturbed stand point, I keep thinking about what a bad person I am. How I really cause more harm than good. I am continuously hurting those I love. It doesn't matter that I don't intend to hurt anyone, because I still cause people pain. Intent is irrelevant. Husband told me last night that I need to act, not react. I completely agree with him, and even though I try to live by that, it doesn't seem to change my behavior. I am still ultimately a destructive person.

Then there's my temper. It's out of control. While I seem to manage not completely losing it and ripping off heads, I still stomp away and play scenarios over in my head until I have nothing left that's positive in me. I am enraged at Dr. Nature for leaving a message telling me that she deserves a vacation like everyone else (guess what? most of us really never get a vacation) otherwise she will burn out. Poor baby, let me squeeze out some tears for her. Never mind that my complaint had nothing to do with her taking a vacation. Then, in my meeting with dean of career services, the dean said I wasn't really employable in the p@tent la field, because my Ph.Duh degree in molecul@r biologie isn't in a hard science. WTF? So I said, you mean, I am not an engineer. He says, "Right". So now cloning genes is a soft science? News to me. Thanks a lot for your help, fuckface. Clearly a man with a degree in la and labor relations knows all about hard and soft science. The kicker is that I didn't even try to correct him or argue, I just accepted it and slinked away.

So, in all of my rage and indignant rantings, I still don't stand up for myself. Worthless, absolutely worthless.

Once again, sorry for all the misspellings, I don't really want non-regular readers to see this lovely post.