Thursday, February 15, 2007

I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, and gosh darn it nobody likes me.

I used to repeat Stuart Smalley's positive affirmation to fight the negative cycle of thoughts in my head. Today, that strategy has completely fallen apart. I have been riding a high for a few days now, and as we all know, what comes up must come down. Let's here it for the laws of physics!

So, at lala school, the moot c0urt board is sponsoring the first m0ck trial competition in their history. Because of the snow, I couldn't make it to the first organizational meeting. Not a big deal in terms of signing up because they post all the information on their website, but I did want to go so that I could find team members. Each team is made up of 4 members. The competition is open to all 3 classes (1L, 2L, 3L). So there are a lot of people who are going to be part of it. As I said, I wasn't able to go to the meeting, so I didn't get the opportunity to scope out a team. The organizer said not to worry, that there were lots of people looking for team mates. She instructed me, along with many others, to email the school's list serve and to let others know I was looking too.

I went ahead and emailed the list serve on Wednesday night and shot email replies back to the few people who had done the same. I got responses back pretty quickly saying that they already had a team together. Interesting, since I had emailed them within 5 minutes of the time they sent out their request. Since then, I have been frantically checking my email for replies. In the last two days I haven't received a single one.

Brings me back to all those times, I wasn't picked for teams in grade school. Those were the days when the teacher would just assign me to a team to get it over with. It was a real ego booster then, and even more so now. I am a puddle of tears over this situation. I am just absolutely sick over it. I keep thinking, "Why doesn't anyone like me?" Why is lala school so reminiscent of all the terrible moments in elementary, middle, and high school? I am in so much pain, and am having trouble convincing myself that I have any worth at all. If not one person out of about 400 students wants me on their team what does that say about me? I'll tell you. I am not good enough. That's what each and every one of those people and events says. I am nowhere near good enough. Pathetic, pitiful, and puddle making.

23 comments:

Aurelia said...

A. It is critically important right now to keep a positive mindset. No stress hormones allowed in that body.

B. There are probably five other people who don't have partners, and something else will happen in the next day or two. You aren't the only one snowed in, you just may be the only one who has emailed. Maybe some people haven't even got the message because their net access is down after the storm.

C. Call the organizer back and ask for help. It's their freakin' job to get you a team. You are paying cold hard cash for their services. Just like at a store, and you wouldn't let a fancy restaurant screw you over, so don't let a fancy la school do it either.

Dino aka Katy said...

WE LIKE YOU AND YOU ARE SMART ENOUGH!!!!!!!

I am sure there is a logical explaination for it like they are CRAZY and don't know you as we do!!!! Or they are snowed in and can't get to the website.

I am with Aurelia - check with the organizers and have them help you.

terri s. said...

I used to hate being picked for baseball teams. Which is probably why I don't enjoy baseball. I was never associated with athletic prowess in my youth, which is funny. I can really slug a baseball if I want to.

I'd want to be snowed in too today. Connect to someone who can make it happen. You can. You know it.

I think baseball is 80-90% confidence. Or at least a good 50%

Jackie said...

Ugh, Nicole, I feel for you...a similar thing happened to me when I started medical school and needed dissection partners for gross anatomy. My professors eventually found me some tank-mates and all turned out in the end. I sincerely hope the same happens for you. Maybe you could send out another message soliciting team-mates? Just in case anyone else is still looking....
A virtual hug for you *squeeze*

Susan said...

We like you!

(and who else matters, anyway?)

Dream Writer said...

Awwww...I could so relate with this post...Not too many people will pick me for anything either at times when necessary.

It really sucks that is for sure:(

Hang in there...We LOVE you...I know it is Cyberspace, but HEY! Look at your blog..loads of comments.

You go girl!

Jenny F. Scientist said...

I like you and I know you're wonderful even without meeting you.

The snobs were a pain back in grade school, too.

Bumble said...

Those fools don't know what they're missing by not having you in their team dammit!!

Something will come up and those guys will be all the richer for having you.

BerryBird said...

I was the last one picked for teams in elelmentary school, too. As a result, I harbored a long-standing hatred for gym teachers and their cruelty. Why not have kids just count off 1,2,1,2? Or some more creative approach. I swear, some of them took real pleasure from the shame of us rejects.

But this situation is different. From a practical perspective, I think Aurelia is right on all three counts. Listen to her! And from an emotional perspective, listen to ALL OF US. We like you, we really really do.

Sara said...

Oh 'cole......

I think Aurelia is 100% right. I bet there are a bunch of folks who are just figuring they'll line something up in person.

And why put the most negative spin on things? How about: "You're older and have far more life experience than those kids, and you intimidate them. They fear your intellect, ESPECIALLY the men, who all want to be the Big Man On Lah Skuhl Campus...

I know, it doesn't help. Go listen to Aurelia, she's much more constructive.

Alice said...

I haven't been reading you that long --but I didn't realize until today that you are in LAW SCHOOL. All I have to say is that you are in LAW SCHOOL. And law school sucks. It is stressful and full, FULL of moments like that. That being said, you have to have confidence in yourself! And you SHOULD! So, screw 'em!

Barbara said...

I would have picked you first.

Cibele said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cibele said...

I would team up with you if I could! good luck dear. Dont let this hurt you that much.

Ol' Lady said...

It will all work out in the wash...wtf...that's a dumb saying :p
Just keep trying and you will get through this.

Renee said...

I agree with Aurelia too. I'm sure it will all work out. We all like you...even when you're having a bad day.

Lots of hugs!

moonraker said...

You sound great to me.
Over from 'comments for exercise.
Like your blog

Reese said...

I'm little but scrappy, tell me who to hunt down ;). You're loved.

Not so little sister said...

I like you!! Don't worry about those jerk faces.

Dianne/Flutter said...

I like you.....sending you an enormous virtual hug. I hate those situations....squeezing extra hard.

Aurelia said...

I just noticed you changed the title of this post, so I know you are alive, but obviously feeling negative still.

Please read my email...please get on your treadmill, please stick your face in a sunlamp, please take a pill.

Please be proactive and take care of yourself.

We love you. The rest of the world is run by a bunch of stupid assinine dipshits who cannot recognize your brilliance, so I will hate them for you, with the whitehot hatred of a thousand suns.

Now stand up, straighten your shoulders, and repeat, "Aurelia DOES like me." Repeat for all the commenters here, OK?

Adrienne said...

Repeat after me: Law School sucks, not me. And it does - it's the biggest mind-f*ck ever. Remember that, and remember that it has nothing to do with you or your worth as a person. I think you rock, and so does everyone here.

And I'm with Aurelia - call that g*ddamn organizer back and tell her what is going on. That school is only a vendor; you are the customer, and the customer is always right.

E said...

I choose you forever, and ever, and you are always first on my team...