Friday, February 9, 2007

Can do.


When I saw these on the back of my friend's toilet, I knew I had to have some too. Partly because dry toilet paper doesn't always do the job, if you know what I mean, but mainly because there is a picture of a frog wiping his arse, right on the box. Who could pass up the opportunity to adorn their lavatory with frogs practicing proper hygiene? Certainly not me. So I bought not one, but two boxes, plus refills. They even have a lovely cucumber melon scent. No more fishy odor for me, it's all fruit and vegetables down there from now on. To top it off, every time I use one, I can be heard singing in the bathroom from outside the house. It's a simple song, something like, "Caaaaaaannnn dooooooo, caaaaaannnn dooooo, (repeat about 10 times over)." Have I finally lost my mind? Oh yeah, but that happened long ago. I may be the only woman without kids that owns these things. What can I say? I am young at heart.

Since I don't feel like battering all of you, again, with my tales of whimpering woe, I will tell you a story instead. Gotta give you all a break every once in awhile.

When I first met The Ass (aka first husband who doesn't really deserve the title of husband) at the ripe age of 19, he told me that his last girl friend had dumped him. Believing him, we started dating. A few weeks into our relationship, we decided to camp out over night in front of B10ck.buster so we could get tickets to the P1nk Fl0yd concert. By the way, the concert was on April 20th. For those in the know, I think you will find that date ironic, for those who are not please don't ask, because it's not appropriate blog conversation, even on this blog.

Any hoo, we spent a freezing night on the sidewalk, not sleeping. I had to work at 10am the next morning, so around 9am I headed to his house where I was staying for a few days because of a terrible fight with my college roommates. When I came in the door, I saw that my underwear were dispersed about the living room, with a trail leading to the bedroom where my duffel bag was. His dog, Sierra, was not as big on eating underwear as my current dog, but every once in awhile she would express herself by eating the crotches out of my underwear, you know, just for shits and giggles. So as I picked up my crotchless undies, I scolded her and tried to reason with her regarding her behavior. Usually, she slinks away, wagging her tail in an apology, but that morning she just looked confused.

I decided to change my clothes and put on my jeans for work. As I put one leg in, I realized that my leg went through, but not into a pant leg. Staring down, I realized that my leg went through a gigantic hole in the crotch of my relatively new jeans. Again, I scolded Sierra. So I picked up a different pair of pants, and the exact same thing occurred. Then I realized, every pair of underwear and pants were missing the critical crotch component. Where the hell did all my crotches go? Upon closer examination, I realized that this was not the haphazard work of a bitter dog. Instead it appeared to be the careful work of a bitch, of the human species, wielding a sharp pair of scissors. After some investigation, I discovered that his girlfriend, who still lived with him, had come in during the night, when she knew we would be out, and removed all of the crotches from my clothing.

That should have been the first sign that The Ass was a two timing basturd. But, let's face it, I was 19, and I was clueless. Maybe even really dumb.

What did The Ass do when I told him what his supposed ex-girlfriend had done? He vomited right there in the B10ck.buster parking lot. Yep, back then, I really knew how to pick'em.

23 comments:

three minute palaver said...

this post really made me laugh. POrbably because I also have a dumbass exhusband (who also doesn't deserve the husband title). One of these days I'll blog about what a lowlife he is too. I was not so smart about the men I chose when I was younger either. it's a pity!

carrie said...

This made me laugh too. I also have been the picker of bad men. I was in a 3-year relationship with a cheating bastard. I never even found out he was 2- and 3-timing until after we had broken up. What an arse I felt like then.

On the plus side, I hope you still wore those crotchless pants. Now that's hot.

Dream Writer said...

I too have a dumbass EX husband although the word "DumbAss" is a compliment for him...I could say something more harsh, but I won't :)

This post made me laugh, too!! Very cute...Never thought of buying the stuff for me though...kids, yes, But hey whatever "Tickles our Fancy!"

Cute blog - I really like it!

Frogs are awesome!

Aurelia said...

Three years after the end of toilet training, we still have wetwipes in our house. Not that brand per se, but Hugg!es all natural.

Turns out they have the exact same ingredient list as the o!l of olah expensive wipes for your face, but are 10x cheaper.

Yes, the same wipes can be used for your ass and your face, but not necessarily in that order, hehe...

Fortunately, I am still working on husband number one, currently a good guy, but if he ever acts like an ass, I am comforted by the thought that he can be replaced by a v!brator and a gold card.

BerryBird said...

Hey, I waited in line for tickets for that same Floyd tour! Actually I waited in line twice, once for a bracelet and then again for the tickets. I never ended up seeing them, though, as I got a summer job out of state and had no ride back. I gave the tickets away and ended up seeing the Grateful Dead that summer instead--they were playing in summer job state. Was it a good concert? I heard the light show was amazing. I remember some killer parties held on April 20th back in the day. Whew! Surprising that I can even recall...

And you can be forgiven for you questionable taste in men. You were 19! I think we all made questionable choices of one sort or another at age 19. It's the time for getting all that shit out of your system.

Bumble said...

That post was bloody funny, yup, I especially love toilet humour, (oddball) but the fruit and veggie chirp cracked me up. And the story of your ass-ex was hilarious too!

Barbara said...

Wow, that was pretty mean. Why didn't se go after the ass's pants? Why pick on yours? I would have been seriously afraid of her.

Dino aka Katy said...

the wipes look funny. As for the exhusband got one of them too. Hey they made us smarter and stronger so thats all that matters

Amateur Dancer said...

i have a dreadful ex husband who also did not deserve the title.

that story is hilarious!

crotchless pants! one of my friends would call those "airplane pants" because you can wear them and still fly! (i know...bad!!)

Renee said...

I think we all made the same terrible mistake at age 19. I didn't marry mine, thank goodness. And as far as I know he didn't cheat on me with a woman...just alcohol. blech!

Here's to being older and smarter.

Because we all CAN DO! hee hee

Barbara said...

Nicole - Thanks for your comment over at my blog, you made my day!

Reese said...

Ok what is wrong with your friends that they let you stay in such an awful relationship?

Erin said...

Really, those wipes are the best idea. Why haven't they been pushing them for adults all along? Babies can have clean arses, but adults have to wander around in a less than pristine condition. Bah!

DeeJay said...

OMG! That's awful. Hope you had the opportunity to return the gesture.

Susan said...

I've got to know... how did you leave the house, with nothing but crotchless bottoms?

The Town Criers said...

I can't even imagine who preplans cutting out crotches...

Beyond that, I bought the blue raspberry foaming handsoap just because my niece had it at her house. I think it's called Berry Blast or something similar. It smelled like candy. She stopped using it and I continued buying it.

Sara said...

Calling him an ass is an insult to self-respecting asses everywhere. Whether you're referring to a donkeylike creature, or the part of the body that cushions you when you sit down, either of them have more redeeming qualities than A Certain Doofus.

Ol' Lady said...

Funny story...sounds like something I would do :)

Cibele said...

YOU CAN DO WITH KAN DOOO ... ahahah now I have this silly song on my mind!
Glad to see that you are ina better mood. Take care dear

aah0424 said...

I've often thought about buying them, now I think I actually will!!

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

LOL! Very funny post! Very very funny.

I have a story to tell, I hope I can remember to do it next time I have time--that relates to the second story here.

I like the idea of those Can Dos, LOL. May have to check them out.

By the way, I tagged you at No Polar Coordinates for a six weird things about me meme today--hope you haven't already done it--if so--how about six NEW weird things? You seem to have plenty--no offense, LOL--it makes you wonderfully INTERESTING! :-D

(big toothy grin)

Boy I've had some of those boyfriend husband issues that were so much like that--I wonder if it was the same guy--do they clone them?

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

Such a concert was that Floyd concert (the one I saw back then)

TInk said...

Coincidence... I met my ex at 19 too. I think we all (at that age) think we can conquer the world and know it all! Obviously we didn't... otherwise; they wouldn't be our ex's.

Funny story though!