I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, and gosh darn it nobody likes me.

I used to repeat Stuart Smalley's positive affirmation to fight the negative cycle of thoughts in my head. Today, that strategy has completely fallen apart. I have been riding a high for a few days now, and as we all know, what comes up must come down. Let's here it for the laws of physics!

So, at lala school, the moot c0urt board is sponsoring the first m0ck trial competition in their history. Because of the snow, I couldn't make it to the first organizational meeting. Not a big deal in terms of signing up because they post all the information on their website, but I did want to go so that I could find team members. Each team is made up of 4 members. The competition is open to all 3 classes (1L, 2L, 3L). So there are a lot of people who are going to be part of it. As I said, I wasn't able to go to the meeting, so I didn't get the opportunity to scope out a team. The organizer said not to worry, that there were lots of people looking for team mates. She instructed me, along with many others, to email the school's list serve and to let others know I was looking too.

I went ahead and emailed the list serve on Wednesday night and shot email replies back to the few people who had done the same. I got responses back pretty quickly saying that they already had a team together. Interesting, since I had emailed them within 5 minutes of the time they sent out their request. Since then, I have been frantically checking my email for replies. In the last two days I haven't received a single one.

Brings me back to all those times, I wasn't picked for teams in grade school. Those were the days when the teacher would just assign me to a team to get it over with. It was a real ego booster then, and even more so now. I am a puddle of tears over this situation. I am just absolutely sick over it. I keep thinking, "Why doesn't anyone like me?" Why is lala school so reminiscent of all the terrible moments in elementary, middle, and high school? I am in so much pain, and am having trouble convincing myself that I have any worth at all. If not one person out of about 400 students wants me on their team what does that say about me? I'll tell you. I am not good enough. That's what each and every one of those people and events says. I am nowhere near good enough. Pathetic, pitiful, and puddle making.