Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Two down, one to go.

After finals, my brain has the mental capacity of a turnip. It's not pretty. In fact, it's so bad that I am a little afraid of writing this post. I have trouble escaping the feeling that everything I write is being graded. On the upside, I am officially two-thirds of my way through this educational hell that they call l@w school. Two years down, one to go.

Dear Aunt Flo is busy packing her bags. While I am absolutely thrilled that AF finally paid me a visit after the D&C, I am anxious about this cycle. Going virtually unmedicated for bipolar in order to try to conceive is not fun. And, I am sure Husband would say the same. He misses those meds even more than I do. Although, he really is a mighty good sport about it all. So, I have the usual anxiety that you are all familiar with when staring at the potential of this cycle. But, I also have the anxiety of wanting to be off my meds for as little time as possible. I am constantly doing calculations to determine "how much longer if". How much longer will I have to be off my meds if I conceive this cycle? How much longer will I have to be off my meds if I don't conceive? And then there's the really sad one. How much longer will I have to be off my meds if I conceive and then miscarry again?

Before I sign off so that I can go comment on all the blogs I have missed for the last week or so, I would like to give a mention to Amy at "A somewhat ordinary life." She has an article published in her newspaper that I think deserves a good look. It's a courageous writing called "Dear Everyone: What to say to a childless couple." Thanks for writing it Amy!

29 comments:

Jackie said...

Nicole-thanks for sharing that link! What a terrific letter. It should be mailed to every home in the world.
Sorry to hear that finals are getting you down, I really admire you for going back to school after getting the phd for yet another advanced degree. I sort of feel as though my brain is a sieve anymore and I can't imagine how difficult it must be to retain information for an exam. Ugh.

Aurelia said...

It's a wonderful letter! I agree!

I'm glad your exams are done and you are still hear and together. I know this is hard. Sometimes it can take a month for your body to start ovulating and for your cycles to go back to normal. If this one is a little off, try no to worry too much, K?

Caro said...

Great letter, thanks for the link. I hear you on the calculating what-ifs. I hope it doesn't take too long.

Dino aka Katy said...

yeah your getting done thats great. You know these days I wish AF would come visit funny how that goes. I actually found a office that is specialized in my problem and they are running a study. I left them a message to see if I could participate . Let me run and read the article keep your head up and remember I tagged you

Cibele said...

Dear Nicole, I don't know how you do it all, graduate school, law school, TTC, meds... YOU ARE A BRAVE WOMAN. I admire you a lot my dear, I am feel honored to know you. Just want to wish you the best of luck in this cycle!!

Renee said...

hugs! Glad that exams are almost over. Sorry you feel like mush, but I'm sure you'll do fine on the exams.

How long would you have to be off your meds before trying again if you decided that you need a break first? Is that something that you can live with or would you rather charge forward with trying again? I don't need these answers...you do.

You're still in my prayers.

Adrienne said...

Congrats on finishing the worst year! Year 3 is a breeze. And a waste of mental energy unless you fill it up with a job and/or other extracurriculars.

marlena rivers said...

good for you, finishing the year at law school. that's an amazing accomplishment! i can identify with the anxiety about being off meds to get pregnant. it is really tough. these days when i come across people who are depressed adn talk about not wanting to take medications i have to control my reactions as i am jealous of them that they have the choice and annoyed that they don't take them, though i know it's a personal decision. i was telling my pdoc yesterday that when people talk about taking their seroquel or antidepressants or when i especially wish i could take my meds, i actually feel a kind of nostalgia and miss the meds as though they are members of my family. pretty crazy...

megan said...

thanks for sharing the link to that letter. it was really fantastic ( went and told her so too ).
i'm glad your exams are finished, and that you have hit a l@w school milestone as well. you're more than halfway there!
glad too that AF came over, but hope she stays away in the future. i think it's really brave of you to be doing what you're doing...you not only have to contend with the vulnerability that comes along with IF but the added aspect of being off your meds. you're one strong lady, nicole. i wish for news for you that enables you to make some solid calculations...

ultimatejourney said...

Congrats on finishing your second year! I really admire the guts you have to take on so many challenges at once. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that your conception efforts succeed very soon.

niobe said...

Congratulations on finishing year 2, even if it left you feeling a bit like a root vegetable.

And thanks for the link to the excellent article.

Jason and Samantha said...

YAy for making it thru finals.

I really hope that you get pregnant soon. I can only imagine how it feels not to feel "normal".

((hugs))

Becks said...

Congrats on finishing year 2!

I do hope things work out for you with this next cycle, and I agree with your comment on my blog, it is frustrating when people seem to make decisions on our behalf when it should be us.

occasionalconfusion said...

Congrats! for enduring the exams...And I'm sending all my good and positive energies so you can have your wish :-)

Julia said...

Yay for the end of the semester! And good luck with the cycle.

Bumble said...

I can't imagine how hard this is for you trying to cope with bi-polar at the same time. Remember that it was unusual circumstances that caused the mc and that should absolutely not happen again. I'm sure the next time everything will go so well. Hang in there, and congrats on being two thirds down! You're amazing!

Sarah said...

congratulations on the exams!! do you get a good break before you start year three? new cycle + no meds sounds like the perfect time for a break from the studies.

Amanda said...

That's a great article. I wish everyone could read it.

Tink said...

Congratulations! I know you're not done yet but heck - you finished another year! I know how finals are, hang in there!

H

Alex said...

Kudos to Amy -- thanks for posting the link!

Another good resource/commentary is South African blogger Tertia's "How to be Good Friends to an Infertile," here -- http://tertia.typepad.com/so_close/2004/05/how_to_be_good_.html

Congrats on finishing year 2 and, of course, good luck (and strength) for what lies ahead

Ol' Lady said...

Congrats on your 2nd year :)
Hope you get knocked up soon :p
try this...buy a new car, get a mortgage, book an expensive holiday, decide that you are done with tryin for a baby and get another dog or two...you should then be prego within 6 weeks cause you really won't be able to afford it :o
I've got me fingers crossed for a :)

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

I can imagine your anxiety about staying off of your meds. The thought of stopping my cital0pram scared me tremendously and I was so relieved when I learned that I didn't have to. You deserve more than anything for a successful next cycle!!!

And, congratulations on completing those exams. Just keep focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel and you will get through the last one. Counting down was the only thing that helped me get through my grad school exams.

Cibele said...

I hope you have a better day next year Nicole. That was suppose to be my first Mother's day with my 11 mont old baby. Like you said, I guess that is out. I am so sorry for you too my friend and I hope that sooner than later we can celebrate life again

BerryBird said...

I'm so glad the semester is over so you can get a break from the drain of school. It's always such a relief when a semester wraps up.

Barbara said...

Glad you're done with exams. Good luck conceiving.

Casey said...

Yay! You made it through the semester!

Dream Writer said...

YOu can do it! I took law in college, but only received an Associate Degree...

Now I am wanting to go for Psychology!

Good Luck and let us know how you did.

Anns said...

great article... I know more than a few people that should read that, my mother included. Stay strong honey. Anns xo

Jenny F. said...

Getting closer! I hear third year is easier. Hurrah for finals being over!