Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Risk versus Sacrifice

Finals are finally done. And while I still have 3 papers to write by the end of January, the end of exams for the semester still relieves a significant amount of stress. I made a fairly successful attempt to focus on studying for finals and not obsess over all things fetus related. So now with the completion of finals, I have totally resumed by previous obsession.

Firstly, at 15 weeks, I am neither "showing" nor do I feel any movement. I know this is perfectly normal for a "first" timer, but I worry nonetheless. Maybe the baby is already dead, maybe I am not growing on target and the baby is about to die, maybe there is something seriously wrong that means death will occur shortly after birth. I think you get the picture. When it comes to potential baby death scenarios, I can be pretty creative.

Then there's my meds. For the most part, I feel confident in my psychiatrist's decision to keep me on 100mg of Ser0que1 and 100mg of Z010ft during the pregnancy. Ser0que1 is a schedule C drug that is contraindicated for pregnant or nursing women, but we opted to take the risk. And when I say "we", I mean I opted that the baby take that risk. Right now, that sounds pretty fucking lame. Sometimes, the alternatives sound quite a bit less selfish. For instance, let's assume that without the Ser0que1, I launch into a full blown depressive episode where owing to the lack of Ser0que1 sleep is downright impossible for at least a month or so. The impending self injury and real live insanity would require hospitalization or simply tying my arms and legs down to our bed. Let's be honest, that's the kind a sacrifice a real mother would make. Not this pansy sacrifice claim that I am taking a risk by ingesting Ser0que1. Taking Ser0que1 is not a sacrifice made on the behalf of the baby, it's made on the behalf of me.

Perhaps this little discussion is driven by the fact that while I took my Ser0que1 last night, I was up by 3:30 this morning unable to sleep. That's just insult to injury, my friends.


Julia said...

yay on the end of exams! Woo-hoo!
Do you think renting a dopler would help with DBTs?

Now, about the sacrifice. F those who would question your dedication. Not being able to sleep would wrack a lot of damage on your body, and that may do real harm to the baby. While taking the drug, under the supervision of your doctor, is a responsible thing to do. Ok? Ok.

Mrs said...

I agree with Julia. My psychiatrist and I have had many conversations about this and if/when I become pregnant I am remaining on my meds. My psychiatrist trained with a guru on this particular subject and that was the guru's considered professional opinion. The guru would even keep people on Lithium. A depressed or bipolar or schizophrenic mother is far more dangerous to the baby than the medication is. For a baby to develop properly a mother needs to be able to take care of herself and a person in the throes of mental illness is often not able to do so. You are doing the right thing!

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

I hope the baby is fine and that you sleep well and feel good. I know how horrid it is to not sleep.

I added you to my awards bestowed becasue I love your blog.

Renee said...

since I've retired as a LLL Leader I don't have my books anymore. But the majority of meds are never tested on preg or nursing women and the manufacturers says don't take it to cover their rears. I'm sure you and your doc have covered all the bases and know all the risks.

Hugs and Congrats on your pregnancy. I'm sure you'll both be just fine.

Anonymous said...

I follow your blog because of the connection I've experienced between mania and TTC.

When I'm stable enough to try again, I intend to continue taking L*mictal and Pr*zac. Good for you for working with your doctor on this. You're making the right choice for your whole family unit.

Beruriah said...


I didn't feel movement in my pregnancies until beyond 15 weeks. A doppler would be an option but I'd wait until the doctor and nurses easily get a heartbeat on the doppler themselves.

About the drugs and sacrifice, Julia is right. None of this "real" mother crap. You are one and I don't think spiraling into depression or out of control is a better option.

Take care of yourself and you will be taking care of the baby too.

Aurelia said...


You and I are in the same boat here. I feel for you, since I have a heck of a time focusing when I'm not on my meds. And now, I AM on them and dope that I am, I'm still not able to focus very well.

Stupid hormones. sigh

I'm worried my current bout of the crazies is egging you on on these dead baby thoughts. If you are worried, then call your Doc, and go get dopplered. He can do it and find the baby no problem.


From Here To Maternity said...

Yeah for the end of exams. Hope you did well. As for the drugs, you have to take care of you, so you can take care of everything else.

peep said...

I worry too every day that the baby is still alive and well. I live for hearing the heartbeat every 4 weeks and as soon as I'm big enough I'm getting one of those at home dopplers.

I agree that your mental health is as important as your baby if not more. I will be thinking of you as we journey through the next 6 or so months together.

niobe said...

What everyone else said. You need to take the medication. Your doctor agrees you need to take the medication. It's important for the baby's health and safety that you don't have a full blown depressive episode, if it can possibly be avoided. End of story.

Cibele said...

wait and you will see. Up to 16weeks I was not showing at all and than it started... OMG, now I am already huge. As for movement, It is early, very early. Try to stay positive!!!!! HUGS

Sara said...

Firstly, the time between starting to feel better post first-trimester and starting to show and know you're pregnant is pretty ... unsettling. Or it can be. I didn't feel anything until far after 18 weeks, and I didn't have to unbutton my top buttons until about 20 weeks. Don't worry. You'll be huge soon. IT's always the women who are definitely showing at 10 weeks who wind up with the perfect little model "basketball under the shirt" belly.

You take the meds because you care, and because non-manic mama is vital to your fetus's well being. The less depressed you are, the better off *everyone* is.

Caro said...

I agree, the meds are important and the risks are worth it.

Dream Writer said...

I, too finished my exams..thank goodness!!! Now I could relax for the holiday and so could you!

15 weeks is about 3 months, correct? I felt movement in the 4th month I believe.

My first one (18 years old I was pregnant) I didn't notice movement OR KNOW that I was pregnant until 6 months into the pregnancy...

You and baby are doing great..:)
Put your feet up and enjoy your time off from school.

Electronic Goose said...

I'm at 15 weeks, not showing and not feeling any movement either. And I worry all the time about what could be wrong. But, on the better side of things ... I got to hold a 5-week-old baby last night and it was won-der-ful.

You are doing the right thing.

thrice said...


Get acquainted with Benadryl. Pregnant mother's sleep drug of choice when the your regular meds aren't doing the job!!

Jason and Samantha said...

I'm with the others, I think taking the meds is worth the risk.


A big.. wooohoooo! on the end of exams this semester. :)

And don't worry too much about movement, most women don't feel it till around 20 weeks. It has a lot to do where the baby is, and where the placenta is located.