Saturday, May 17, 2008

Trust Issues

Yesterday, I lounged around all morning. After about 3 hours of doing nothing, I realized that I hadn't felt Curry move all morning! Panic set in pretty quickly and soon I was drinking a liter of juice, laying on my left side and begging Curry to give me a nudge. No movement. Husband and doctor were contacted. Within 15 minutes, I had thrown my pre-packed hospital luggage into the car and we were on our way to the hospital for a non-stress test. I practiced doing some deep breathing relaxation on the 30 minutes drive there. By the time we were 5 miles from the hospital, I felt her give me a little punch in the ribs.

While I waited to be hooked up to the external fetal monitor, we could hear a young woman screaming in labor in the next room. Every once in awhile we could make out the words, "It hurts!" I have no problem in general with women needed to scream out in pain. But, I could have used some ear plugs during those few moments.

Finally, they hooked me up and I heard the sweet sound of my baby's heartbeat. The nurse smiled and said things looked really good. Apparently, I even managed to have a good contraction that popped up on the monitor. At least that's what they told me, I didn't feel a thing. Nor did I feel any of the movements that they said Curry was busy making. Perhaps, she had turned herself around so that most of her kicks were into my back. Who knows what my naughty daughter was up to yesterday, but by the time we left the hospital she was back to her tricks and kicking me firmly in the ribs.

On the way to the hospital, I realized that I have some trust issues. All of the natural birthing books I am reading consistently emphasize that women must trust their bodies to do the right thing during labor and delivery. I am not so sure that I trust my body to know what to do. It's sad that miscarriage and mental illness has convinced me that my body doesn't know a damn thing about any of the stuff that it should.

12 comments:

BerryBird said...

I see on your ticker you only have 18 days until your due date... how exciting that you will be finally meeting Curry soon. What a naughty girl to scare you like that! And I know I'm late, but congratulations on your graduation.

Cibele said...

you are not I alone. It is very normal, severla times I went to the hospital for non stress test because she was not moving... I am glad she is okay!!! you are almsot there !

Nadine said...

Glad everything is OK! I can't believe it's almost time!

alley said...

I yelled and was horrible for two of my three pregnancies.

Things are getting close. You'll know what to do.

Not so little sister said...

If you want to talk more about natural child birth and your body doing what it is supposed to do, feel free to email me. That was my mantra, "this is what my body is supposed to do. this is what it is made to do." You are going to do amazingly. And your body WILL do what it has to.

marlena rivers said...

hi glad to hear all is well with the little curry. it's an interesting idea, trust and trusting oneself and one's body. i would add that it is ok to trust that one is in a state (pregnancy, towards the end) that is a different experience for everyone. i found early on i trusted the little one to just be ok and somehow protected from even my moods and believed that all along even when i read things that said the opposite about bad effects of maternal stress on fetus etc. i just thought, you're wrong, she's having a good time, this is not getting to her. i felt like there was a strong protective psychic barrier there and i think i was right because she is a generally happy baby, and she's lived through my having a psychotic episode in her second month of life...
i don't believe your body just knows what to do. i couldnt figure out breast feeding without help from other people. the baby also may not know right away how to "latch". so when you get to that point if you decide to breastfeed, don't worry if your body has no idea what to do... i guess the more important part of trust is knowing when you need to trust others to help and not expecting yourself to know everything and do it all just because you're hard wired to be a mother!

Marie-Baguette said...

don't worry too much about that. I am going to sound negative but you will probably end up on your back, hooked to monitors and IV, with a epidural. I know it is an awful thing to say but I know only a couple of women who went through natural birth. I know at least 10 women who tried for it but could not go with it (not only because of the pain but also because of other issues such as the baby position). I really hope you will get the birth experience that you want. All I am saying (and not terribly nicely I am afraid) is that you have to be prepared: things might be a lot different than planned. I know you will do great whatever happens. I wish you all the best. Keep us updated!

Aurelia said...

You will do fine, however your baby comes out. Yes, you might end up with an epidural, but as long as your body has made the baby, well, heck, does it matter if you need a little painkiller along the way?

Have some faith hon.

Julia said...

You know, you might imagine why I have issues with that absolute statement. But the thing is, bodies are machines. Very complicated biochemical, mechanical, electrical machines. Why the hell would you believe something that complicated can never screw up? Not to mention that these lovely natural books that tell you this? They fail to mention the rate of things going wrong back in those bygone rose-tinged days when everyone gave birth at home and trusted their bodies. Just saying.

Let us know how you are doing, will ya? Pretty please, with sugar on top. :)

Anns said...

Glad to hear things were ok... Curry's giving you heartache already, you poor thing!

Unbalanced Reaction said...

Glad everything was okay! Hope things are still well.

christina(apronstrings) said...

i know what you should do-take a deep breath!