I really hate to break my promises. But, if I don't break the promise I made to you all regarding posting "good times to come", well, then I don't think I would be posting for awhile. I know it was silly to hope that I would be pregnant the first full cycle after a D&C, but I hoped anyway. And, I hoped beyond hope that I would be able to post about the elusive pink line. Suffice it to say that today I am back to square one, or as we like to say, cycle day 1 (CD 1).
Somehow, Husband always manages a high level of optimism. Lately, his favorite chant is "We did it once, we can do it again", or "there's always next cycle". I feel so bad when all I can do is glare at him as he says these things. It sucks to be married to me.
Meanwhile the universe makes sure that every pregnant woman in town crosses my path. The new job that I was so looking forward to this summer was effectively ruined by the presence of the same pregnant l@w student that I couldn't stand to get even a glimpse of at school. Approximately every 5 minutes she passes conspicuously rubbing her over 8 month belly. And no matter how hard I try to look away, my eyes seem drawn to her belly in the same way that I can't help but stare at a gruesome car accident. So instead of coming home feeling like I am helping others avoid homelessness, I arrive weepy and defeated, feeling like I will never ever get the one thing that I want more than anything else in the entire world, a baby.
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After over five years of being heavily medicated for my bipolar illness, I am just crazy enough to go off the meds and try to conceive. With a whole team of professionals monitoring my progress and an amazingly compassionate husband to catch me when I fall, I am ready to start trying to get pregnant. This is my journey through the insane process...
Pepper in the pond.
Misery loves company (or other blogs I check out obsessively)
- 18 years and counting
- After All That
- Apron Strings
- Bipolar Notes from Underground
- Conflicted
- Dead Baby Jokes
- doolittle
- Exile in Kidville
- For the Flavor
- From Here to Maternity
- Getting through life
- Goose Juice
- Her very own
- In Blue Ink
- Jason and Samantha's Journey to Parenthood
- Lake Loop
- My Life and Everything In Between
- My Wait Is Over
- Natural Scientist
- No Matter How Small
- No Polar Coordinates
- Oscar wants a pl@ym@te
- Purgatory
- Serenity Now!
- Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters
- Thalia
- The Bean Chronicles
- The Impatient Patient
- Third Time Lucky
- Three Minute Palaver
- Unbalanced Reaction
- Where we're going now...
When it really isn't funny anymore...
Support for the Cause
It's all in the details.
- Nicole
- Crazyville, New York State, United States
- 30-something, over-educated, and bipolar crazy woman with a bicornuate uterus and a baby...Who'd a thunk it?
40 comments:
It may sound strange for me to say this now, but i still glare at pregnant women. And just today I cried in my cube after overhearing conversations with the new mom on her first day back in the office.
It's hard when you can't get away from constant reminders that you aren't where you would like to be... pregnant, new baby, etc.
I know your feelings! We were at Babies R Us on Sunday looking for car seats...oh did I mention...we are matched with a birth mother. I can still say, even though I am going to be a mom...I am so jelious of pregnant women! I love you! keep the faith!
I like your husband's attitude. You did it once, you'll do it again. Everyone needs a mantra.
I am like you in that an obvious attempt to cheer me up tends to make me more upset. Hang in there.
((Nicole))
I'm so sorry about CD1. And, I so hear you about glaring at pregnant women. It's just so hard to be around them. IF is just so cruel sometimes...
Hang in there!
There are tons of pregnant women where I work too. I overheard someone say "there must be something in the water." It made me want to throw something. Hugs.
You say that pregnant women cross your path a lot lately...Look at it in a positive light:
I truly believe that people come in and out of our lives for a reason...these are women who are "Your Light" at the end of the tunnel...a tunnel that will have your baby waiting for you. These are "Secret Messages" letting you know that it will happen all in good time.
These "Secret Messages" are God's (OR whatever you believe in - a higher power) way of telling you that your "Precious One" will be with you when the time is right.
I TRULY believe when Certain things cross our paths..they are hints to our future.
Positive Thinking is a powerful thing!
Sorry about CD1. It sucks. If my husband gave me optimism like 'there's always next cycle' I think I would have to remove a testicle!
I tried to write something all optimistic and inspirational after reading Dream Writer's comment, but Reality's made me pee myself laughing!
Don't remove your hubby's testicle yet! You still need it. Rip it off AFTER you've finished having kids. :)
so sorry about AF having to come and visit...
I think summer is always bitter-sweet for those of us struggling with the baby-blues. All the pregnant bellies start popping out once the coats are hung up for the season. If it helps, it took us 4 months to get things "right" again after m/c 1. The problem was that I wasn't ovulating when I thought I was. Perhaps you should try buying the ovulation predictor kits and using those. I was shocked to realize that I was actually ovulating about a week after I expected that I would be. M/C screws everything up. Also - if you're anxious, try "sperm meets egg" - that's how we did it back in Feb and got pregnant *right away* - it was fun too, it tests your stamina!
Good luck -- wish I could join but my Doc says not yet. (bitch).
Anns xo
Dream Writer and other half full bloggies:
I really wish I could be optimistic about it all, but there is no such thing when you're "in the hole". Thank you for the thoughts though. No amount of morphine or happy thoughts could possibly relieve this pain.
Much love,
Nic
I am sorry that AF showed up. Hugs, my dear. IT SUCS!!!!
I admit too, sometimes I catch myself glaring at pregnant women wishing that was me or that would be me soon. Good luck on this cycle. DON’T GIVE UP!
There are far too many pregnant women haunting my town as well. I never noticed them before, but I sure do now.
One of my friends came to my party with her beautiful 10 day old baby. Much as I love her I could feel the twist of jealousy. I hope things work out for you soon.
Oh CD1 and a pregnant woman at work - I'm sorry. I'm glad I'll be practically homebound if I make it very far in this pregnancy simply because that means I'll make very few women sad by simply existing.
The prego chick at your new job won't be there soon...so you won't have to look at her...that's a brighter side to add your thoughts. I know there is nothin I cac say or do to make your pain go away...just remember I'm here for ya if need a shoulder to cry on...
(((HUGS)))
I know what you mean. I went from trying to single and back on the pill. Tick tock is right.
Hugs!
I think that if you want to get pregnant, and even if there wasn't any sex in the cycle, there is still that pain on cycle day 1.
While I won't spew optimism, get on the treadmill. Some endorphins and some weight loss (better for fertility) are in your control. Not to mention, I don't want to be the only one on the fucking treadmill.
So sorry. Hoping for the best next round.
oh man it always pissed me off when my husband tried to get all "positive thinking" on me. sometimes it just totally sucks and you need your partner to recognize that without trying to make it better. i think that's hard for boys though, that's why we need our blogfriends. we're here for you anytime you need to bitch.
I write mainly when I'm feeling down, that's when i have the need to blog and get my feelings out. When I'm going through good moments for some reason I wanna savour them and not share. Dont'worry about writing optimistic or "bad" posts, just write what you feel like you have been writing. :-)
(((Nicole)))
i am sorry things aren't going the way you'd like. It seems like you ought to get at least one break.
Lots of hugs for you.
I feel at a loss here because I can't relate to what you're going through...but I do understand the pain of wanting something and for now the answer is "wait." The little kid in me says "I WANT IT NOW!" Patience is so hard.
hugs hugs hugs
It's sometimes all just too much, isn't it?
Pregnant woman have been known to kick me right into a downward spiral (not literally, obviously) even on days when I was doing ok. I find it so hard to look at them sometimes, yet I do. It's like beating myself up. I swear, if I ever get to the point where I am visibly pregnant, I will not rub my belly in public.I won't do it.
CD 1 is never fun, but when you're at such a low ebb anyway...........
I hope you can keep moving through this Nicole, it isn't easy. x
I know exactly how you feel about your eyes being drawn to those pregnant bellies. I catch myself staring at them all the time, as if I could somehow glean what the secret is to getting pregnant. My beseeching eyes ask: "How did you do it?"
Nicooooole,
Your blog is getting blacker by the day, (color and word style) and you are freaking me out more than a little bit.
From another woman whose been down in that hole...the only way out is to try and get out.
Sitting down there in the bottom waiting for it to get better, will_not_work.
You have to TRY to feel good, just a little tiny eensy bit better today, then a little bit more tomorrow, and repeat. Treadmill, sunshine, CBT, EMDR, call the therapist, think something sappy!
I know, it feels like walking uphill through oatmeal. But you need to try.
Let me know you are alive!
I am so sorry Nicole, hope you okay sweetie...CD1 always sucks. I know the feeling about pregnant women, I seem to be drawn to them too.
So sorry about CD1 - yep, it sucks big time. I think your avoidance/sensitivity to pregnant women is entirely normal at this stage after a miscarriage. After my first miscarriage I spent months avoiding the pregnant woman next door - scurrying back into the house if I saw her and avoiding the garden if she was outside as well.
To give you something totally different to think about, I wondered if you had seen this new research on bipolar genetics http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/wales/6728133.stm
Of course, genetic research is just the beginning, but it seems interesting, positive and hopeful from my layman's perspective.
Oh, and just to echo what Anns said, my ovulation time was also thrown out by a couple of days by a miscarriage, so for 6 months of self torture we were actually missing my fertile period. Boy, did I feel stupid when I realised that! Might just be worth checking, either by the old natural mucus method or an ovulation kit (which I never got the hang of). Keep your chin up, Nicole.
A big hug for you babe xxx
The brain plays serious tricks on us when we're in the race. I can't tell you how many pregnancy tests I wasted because deep down I knew it wasn't likely, but I did it anyway, hoping for a miracle.
I feel for you. And even though I have Miss A, the bug has bitten me again for awhile and it's tough as hell to see PG women. The neighbors just had their baby and I won't hold it yet-I just can't. I am tickled to death for them but I know what it will do to me. :(
First cycle after miscarriage is usually a wash. A lot of women don't even ovulate or have enough luteal phase hormones.
Consider this the *first* CD1 post miscarriage. It's only starting *now*.
((hugs)) I know you can't be jollied out of the hole. I hope the air clears and you can find the ladder to climb out.
hi. sorry to hear all that you're struggling with. it sucks. keep blogging and sharing what you're going through. just having come out of a dark time myself, i found that what helped me was to express myself on my blog and just get through one day at a time. in fact i'm still doing the just get through the day as thinking any further ahead causes huge anxiety and negative stories. the other thing i soemtimes forgot when frustrated with trying to get pregnant is perhaps the most important thing, make sure to really enjoy the sex! the more you can really enjoy it and have a good time with it, the more likely you are to get pregnant. i read that somewhere that the woman having good orgasms really helps get things going! and i found and sitll do that good sex and orgasms are especially good for the brain chemistry when one is off all the meds. one needs all the natural body chemistry good feelings one can manufacture... i know it's hard to enjoy sex sometimes when one is upset, depressed anxious or overwhelmed, at least it can be for me but i try to get beyond that. i'ts a challenge but worth it...
It's okay, we'll be waiting for you when you start blogging again. It's hard being around pregnants, you either have to make yourself cold to it, or go in the bathroom for a breakdown. I'll be thinking of you. Take Care ((hugs))
cd 1= tres sucky. i'm sorry. hey, why don't we just glare at preggy women? like this > / Oh, yeah, because then they'd REALLY think we were crazy.
if i say somnething...you promise NOT to hit me? promise....
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i think your hubbie's right...it did happen once and very likely will again.
Haven't heard much from you in while, Nicole. I hope everything is OK, as OK as it can be right now. Just wanted to say Hi! and let you know I'm thinking about you.
Nicole??? Where are you??? Are you o.k.??? Please give a sign...please...startin to get worried over here
Mr. LIW says essentially the same things and I try hard not to glare at him but I usually fail.
I had a VERY pregnant woman in my yoga class this weekend who decided to place her mat next to mine. It was SO tough because she noticed that I kept staring at her. It is hard enough for me to focus in yoga given my erratic mind but a glaring reminder of one of the two major things for which I continue to wait made it nearly impossible!
Hang in there, friend!
Hi Nicole, You're at cycle day 8, now, no? I hope you're feeling a bit better and that soon it will be so damn hot that those pregnant women will go back into hiding. And maybe you'll be joining them.
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