Monday, June 11, 2007

Digging Out

Once again I want to thank everyone for their kind words and thoughtful concern. Day by day, I am digging out of my hole. Thankfully, my work at legal services is very interesting and motivating. I spend more of my day focused on other people's worries and less of my day focused on my own worries, which is a very good thing. I really do love my work there. It feels really good to help others through the legal system and avoid homelessness.

My therapist and I had a good long discussion about being stuck in the hole. If I am going to get out of the hole, I have to want out. There is a point at which I choose to wallow and it is at that point that I am not suffering grief but instead self pity. I found that I had made that choice when every post I read on all of your blogs made me sad. If it was a positive post, then I was jealous; if it was a negative post then I was sad for both of us. So, now I choose to dig out of the hole so that I can celebrate with you when you are happy, and hold your hand when you're not.

43 comments:

anonymous mom said...

nicole, there are times to wallow, and times to move on. you know when it's right for you. feeling guilt for being sad is not necessary. if you are sad, you are sad. if your feelings begin to change for the better, that's great. if you feel guilty for your feelings, you are piling misery on top of misery and it will likely take longer to get out of it.

glad to know you're feeling better.

Casey said...

I keep trying to leave an insightful comment, but I'm not getting much. I'll just say that I'm glad you're finding your way out.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I'm also glad you are digging yourself out of the hole!

niobe said...

For me, anyway, there's a very fine line between self-pity and grief. Actually, I think, the two morph into one another, shifting shapes back and forth.

But I'm glad to hear that you're on your way towards feeling better.

Carrie said...

It can be so hard to remember how to get out the hole, even when you want to. I'm really pleased you seem to be on the up. I'm trying to be a bit more positive myself, it is kind of working. Shocked myself there!

I hear you on the feeling sad no matter what the post. I never want tn read bad news on Blogs but I sometimes find the happy ones sort of difficult too. Thought it was just me.

Cibele said...

I am so glad that you made that choice to move out of this whole... I am digging with you ok???
all the best!

ultimatejourney said...

You're such a strong woman. I'm glad you're fighting your way out of the hole.

DD said...

Maybe you didn't know, but I love the feel of dirt under my nails. I hope there is a time that I can help you like you have helped me.

Aurelia said...

I'm so glad you are feeling like you want to get out of the hole.

I've been VERY worried about you, and that ol' color change on the blog is a good sign.

I'm so happy you are back I want to JUMP UP AND DOWN!!! Even though I'll look goofy. :)

Dream Writer said...

Well, good for you about your job within the legal field...that is awesome!

And its great that you opened up to your therapist...

Baby steps, one step at a time! :)

jane said...

Getting out of holes is a good thing. :)

Sarah said...

wow that is a great sentiment. your therapist sounds like a good one, i'm glad she's not letting you wallow. sometimes they seem to allow the analyzing-the-problem part to overshadow the resolution part. you WILL come out of the hole!

Dino aka Katy said...

interesting work to me is the best therapy. I tend to emerge myself in work when things get tough it takes my mind of but also sometimes gives me perspective. I am glad you are working on this and I am sure you are getting better

BerryBird said...

I'm so glad things are looking up over there.

megan said...

you *are* so incredibly strong. i still don't know if i can tell the difference between true grief and wallowing. can i borrow your shovel when you're done with it? :)

My Reality said...

I hope the hole is really shallow and you don't have far to dig.

Renee said...

I'm glad that you're feeling better.

If you like cute furry animals I found a video the other day that's adorable.

Julia said...

I can certainly use some hand holding nowdays. Glad to see you are making the choices that make you feel better.
Hope to get to celebrate good news of yours sometime real soon. :)

Mands said...

It is an empowering decision, and one that can be used anytime anywhere and for anything.
The sooner we realise that we hold our happiness in our own hands, the sooner we can be happy.
Well done Nic.

Colette said...

I am so glad to see you back. I know it is hard..I have been there! We went to a support group on thursday night...and there was a woman there and it had been a year since her last mis...I have been in her shoes..but you have to get back on that horse (so to speak) and try again! We went a long time before we started to try again...don't be like her...greive but continue trying! I am glad you are back! We love you!

Ol' Lady said...

Keep lookin up and soon you will be there...don't forget that we all care for you and want to see you feeling better...

Sticky Bun said...

I'm glad you're finding your way out. Hang in there! Thinking of you...

thrice said...

That's such a great sign that you "want" to dig yourself out of the hole. It's a process. Expect some steps forward and some steps backwards. It's the long term that is important. I don't want to see you get disappointed or frustrated.

The Road Less Travelled said...

It's hard, but glad to know you're starting to dig yourself out. Just wanting to do it is a big step.

The Oneliner (Christina) said...

you can't help how you feel. feelings are, by definition, irrational. they just are.

nonetheless i hope the way you feel feels better soon.

Tam said...

I'm glad that you have chosen to dig yourself out sweetie. That's the sad thing about all of this, you can have all the support in the world and still feel so alone.

Like the new look of your blog, much better. Don't feel bad about getting jealous of everyone's good news, it's totally normal, our turn will come.

Hugs xxx

Amateur Dancer said...

hey nicole!

you sound so good...i know that you are going through such a time, i am amazed at your serenity and strength through this.

i wanted to tell you that i totally understand that "feeling jealous" if someone sounds happy, and being so upset if they sound sad...

that is how i have been for a really long time since my battle with cancer began.

***but, Guess What!!? i am over it now :-)

i am really, just, over it! and, one day...you will be too. nobody can predict when it will happen or what will trigger the change in you, but it will happen. you will be able to truly be happy for another person without a twinge of jealousy. and you will be able to feel compassion without feeling too much grief.

i promise.

hang in there ((((friend))))
dancer

Patience said...

I agree with Niobe, the line between grief and self pity is thin, and they are entwined - but the 'wanting' to get out of the hole is a huge step in the right direction.

You rock babe... x

Jason and Samantha said...

(((HUGS)))

KansasSunflower said...

Oh my gosh, Nicole! You just put into words exactly how I feel right now! Jealous if someone is doing well, sad with someone if they're not. In my case, they are real life friends, but still the same sentiment.

How do you dig yourself out of it? It's so hard....

I keep telling myself it's just chemical, I'll get better? I'm making an appt for this week....how bizarre you verbalized what I've been feeling!!! I thought I was such a bad person, were you feeling that way, too?

occasionalconfusion said...

It is tough, no doubt, but it's also great that you are recognizing your emotional pattern. Glad to hear you're feeling better :-)

Amy said...

I don't know how I surfed to your site, but I'm glad I did. I had two miscarriages, and was incredibly unreasonably hopeful the first month after, too. You are not alone.

Best wishes.

marlena rivers said...

hi, good for you. i definitely find when i'm having my own episodes that the one time i feel best seems to be when i'm working and focusing on things other than my own stuff and my mind's stuff. good for you, focus on the love you have in your life and the work. moments of anger and resentment are ok too and part of the whole thing.

megan said...

thinking of you today.
((hugs))
i hope you're doning okay.

Dream Writer said...

Where are you??? Hope you are OK and doing well :)

dmarie said...

How wonderful that you have a job helping others--making a difference in the lives of other people. That's so great.

As for the hole, congrats on trying to make your way out of the "hole." I'm very familiar with it myself. I got a couch, fridge, tivo and bathroom in my hole with me :)...lol

Not so little sister said...

Where you been girl? Hope you're doing alright!

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

I hope you are finding the ability to dig yourself out. I know how hard that can be!

I am pulling for you.

Dino aka Katy said...

just checking in wondering how you've been

KarenO said...

Don't think the time you spent in the hole was wasted, you just needed time to catch your breath! Now your ready to get up and go on. You're strong and brave, thanks for a really inspiring post! :)

Aurelia said...

Hey, you still there?

Maggs said...

where you at, kitten?

Sara said...

Like everyone else in here, I'm wondering how/where you are.